Series #4 Transcript: The Adventures of Captain Kremmen

You're the only man alive that can handle this mission Kremmen.

I know sir.

It's up to you to save my empire captain.

Yes your majesty.

Do you realise Kremmen, that the fate of the continental United States is in your hands?

Fear not Mr. President, it's not for nothing that they call me:

The World's Most Fabulous Man

COMPUTER READOUT

SUBJECT: CAPTAIN ELVIS BRANDENBURG KREMMEN
BORN: DECEMBER 25th 1950
HEIGHT: 6 FOOT 10
PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES: SUPREME ATHLETE, CONCERT PIANIST, CONCORD PILOT, MOUNTAIN CLIMBER, DIPLOMAT, SPACE CAPTAIN, AND GENIUS
IQ: 498

Captain Kremmen is a Capital Wireless workshop production.

Hi folks, Captain Kremmen here. What I'm about to tell you is classified information.

It all started in the June of 2005. I was strolling through the grounds of the White House with the president swapping jokes.

Say.

What?

What's black and crisp that hangs from the ceiling?

I don't know, Mr. President.

An Irish electrician.

Suddenly he turned a ghastly serious colour and said,

Kremmen, our scientists have have been tracking a strange object in outer space for quite some time now.

Is it an alien being?

We don't know, but what we do know is, that every probe ship we send up never comes back.

Oh! You'd like me to go and investigate investigate?

Yes I would Kremmen.

This is a job for a man with nerves of steel. A devil may care soldier of fortune with a gleam in his eye and a song in his heart, a smile on his lips, and a girl in his arms.

Before he could say integrated circuit, I was back on board my trusty spaceship, Troll One, talking to my chief technical assistant.

Okay Schmuckstein, Phron Shields in place.

Oh yes captain.

Anti Krell rays in position?

Affirmative captain.

Good. Are all the stores on board?

Oh yes, we have enough supplies for six light years.

Wonderful, what about entertainment?

Well, we've got every feature film ever made and a lifetime supply of radio guide.

Good, where's my sexy assistant?

Carla?

Yeah.

The last time I saw her she was in your cabin opening a bottle of champagne and ripping off all her clothes.

Oh good, I like to start every adventure with a bang.

9...8...7...

Please fasten your seat belts and extinguish all cigarettes. Thank you.

2...1...0...lift-off...plus 1, plus 2, plus 3...

Well, we were off on an adventure that made Gone with the Wind look like the test card.

Hi folks. Your friend and mine, Kremmen, speaking. Well, here we are once again headed out into the inky blackness in search of an alien object, which has been hanging around in space observing Earth for many weeks. The president of the United States thought I might be able to shed some light on the mysterious thing.

Kremmen, I want you to go out there and check it out.

Yes sir, do you think there's any danger?

Well Kremmen...

I mean, you know I can take it sir.

It's just that I...

I mean you know I am a solid sheet of muscle sir, capable of ripping off bottle tops with my nostrils.

Kremmen, if this mission's a success, we're giving you a down to the ground mink space suit made of real mink, a gold space helmet made of real gold, and a set of coonskin luggage made of real coons.

That very day I gathered my trusty crew and took off in my nuclear powered ship, the Troll One. Carla, my liberated number 1, was by my side.

First stage away..

Don't fight it, Carla.

Second stage away....

Fight what captain?

Third stage away...

This...[KISSING]

Oh captain you'll wear out my lips.

Shh, listen.

What?

That noise, it means there's a communique coming from Earth.

Oh, I'll switch on the video Vectra Scope.

BBC World Service. The news. The Soviet Union has crashed at Cairo Airport, North of Hawaii. The 1974 Commonwealth Games are to be held in Wormwood Scrubs Prison. In Moscow, the West German and Soviet foreign ministers will meet the Six Wives of Henry VIII...

Carla.

Yes captain?

Is this news sounding strange to you?

I don't know captain, I never listen to the news, it brings me down.

You know, I think whatever that thing is in space, it's affecting Earth.

Tune in next week and make your blood boil and your bowels go [BOING], in Captain Kremmen and the Krells.

Hi kids, I'm captain Kremmen. Don't you wish everyone was?

You remember last week on our way out to investigate a strange object hanging in space, we received a news broadcast from Earth that told me all was not well down there.

The news. The Soviet Union has crashed at Cairo Airport, North of Hawaii. The 1974 Commonwealth Games are to be held in Wormwood Scrubs Prison...

Carla.

Yes captain.

Is this news sounding strange to you?

I don't know captain, I never listen to the news, it brings me down.

You know I think whatever that thing is in space, it's affecting Earth.

Oh dear.

Carla.

What?

I think it's time we trod boldly.

Where no human hand has set foot.

Yes quick, let's don our Lurex space suits.

Gonad?

What is it captain?

Get travel pod one ready.

You gonna tread boldly?

Yeah, I wanna take a close look at that thing out there.

3, 2, 1. Contact.

Soon, Carla and I were swanning out into the blackness of space, leaving our ship far behind.

Look captain it's coming into view.

Good grief Carla you're right.

Oh.

It's massive. I haven't seen anything as big as that since 1987, when a meteorite came so close to Earth, it ripped Jimmy Young's wig off.

This is what you do....

When we arrived at the thing, I noticed how menacing it looked with its huge blue metal body, sharp nose, and fins at the back.

Looks like a bomb to me. Oh.

Shall we investigate or run?

Carla.

What?

You know how butch and fearless I am.

But I just thought...

I mean, remember that time I volunteered and became the first spaceman to go to the sun?

Didn't you get burned?

No, we went at night.

Ha ha ha.

I decided to investigate further and ran my hand along the side of the thing.

Good grief.

What captain?

It, it feels like, leather.

You still got your gloves on.

Oh.

A we gasped in amazement. A large round door in the side of the thing opened, and Carla and I went inside.

Carla?

Yes captain?

This thing might be a bomb.

Goodbye captain.

Carla.

What?

Don't you remember your oath of allegiance to go forth boldly?

I am going forth boldly, back to the ship.

But, don't you want another medal?

What will I have left to pin it on?

Huh! Look, it's a door in the side, it's opening.

There was no turning back. Our heavy metal space boots clunked ominously as we entered the hull.

Kinda spooky isn't it captain?

Oh I don't know Carla, we've known worse situations than this.

Mm-hmm.

Remember the time we killed the thing that went...

Oh yeah, and then we went on to squash the thing that went...

Yeah but that was nothing compared to what we did to the thing that went...

I kinda got attached to that one.

Never get friendly with things that eat you Carla.

I decided things were getting pretty desperate, so I whipped out my miniature digital computer and computed some digitals.

What does it say, captain?

Well it says,

101-1. Subroutine E-O-P-S Array ABS x 1c, 132. Dimension Array 3002. 104...

Tune in next week to a special seven hour edition when doctor Magnus Pike explains all in episode 4 of The Adventures of Captain Kremmen.

Hi kids, Kremmen here. Last week you remember Carla and I were inside the strange bomb shaped vessel. We were reconnoitering, even though Carla didn't reckon we oiter.

Ugh, ugh.

Captain did you hear that?

Yes it came from over there in that darkened corner.

Look captain, it's an old grey haired man.

Good grief. If I'm not mistaken, that crumpled heap is none other than Dr Heinrich von Gitfinger, world famous atom scientist.

Oh! Captain Kremmen? Is that you?

So it is you doctor, what are you doing in here?

Well, it's a long story.

Well can you keep it short this episode only lasts three minutes.

Well, I came up here weeks ago with this team of top flight scientists to investigate this thing here, and while we were inside, the door closed and tapped us.

But the door's open now.

[CLANK]

Oh.

Holy mega cycles.

Oh captain, it's a trap don't you see? Some alien powers put this thing here to collect the top brains, and you, from planet Earth and whisk us away.

Hey listen.

What?

We're moving.

The ship shuddered into action and slid across the inky blackness of space. Carla was right, we were being kidnapped. My nerves went...

Hey Dr. Gitfinger.

Yes, captain?

You're good at atoms and things?

Mm-hmm.

Can't you tell us what's happening here?

Well according to my calculations captain, we are travelling at the speed of light, roughly in the direction of Vector 9.

Huh! Did you say Vector 9?

Hang on I'll just check.

Roughly in the direction of Vector 9.

Yes that's what I said.

But that's a part of the universe that's been banned by the interplanetary federation.

Why captain?

Because Carla, it's lifeless, bleak, and devoid of all living intelligence.

Like?

Like broadcasting house.

Well whatever happens captain, I want you to know that I'll stick by you.

Oh Carla, you're so yummy and beautiful and gorgeous.

I bet you say that to all the girls.

Yeah the fellas just don't seem to wanna know.

Carla had a fit.

...

Feeling better now Carla?

Oh yes thank you captain.

Good, good.

Captain.

Yes doctor.

Do you think we will survive Vector 9?

Well, no one's come out of that area of space alive yet.

Who knows what monsters lurk in there?

Not only monsters Carla, but deformed Thargoids.

Vampires, demons, wolves, too.

West Bromwich Albion, 1.

Sheffield, Wednesday, 4...

For six days we zoomed on.

Oh captain I wish we could see out of this thing.

Fear not my little space nymph.

Eh?

I opened my handy dandy intergalactic cosmonaut kit.

Oh, it's in here somewhere, Carla.

Pulled out a portable porthole.

Ah.

And placed it on the wall.

Holy mega cycles Carla.

What?

Look at this.

Oh, a square planet.

I've never seen one of those before.

Neither have I, they must have built it themselves.

Doctor.

Yes.

Come and look.

Good grief.

He took one look and reeled backwards.

I gazed at the amazing spectacle of a planet about five times the size of Earth, with no trace of plant life, trees, or rivers, but completely covered in gleaming steel towers, bridges, skyscrapers, and glass domes as far as the eye could see. The pod lurched suddenly as it prepared to land. Creatures who would build a planet like this would only want us for one thing, our brains. The terrible thing is, would they want the rest of us too?

Tune in next week and find out in episode 7, the Brain Eaters.

Hi kids. You remember last time Carla, Dr Gitfinger, and his top flight team of scientists and me, had been trapped inside a space pod and were being hauled across the cosmos at the speed of light to an unknown destination.

Oh.

What's the matter Carla?

I wish we could see out of this thing captain.

I instantly pulled out my handy dandy space kit, rummaged around, and found an instant stick on portable porthole, which I placed firmly on the side of the pod.

Holy mega cycles Carla.

What?

Look at this.

Oh, a square planet.

I've never seen one of those before.

Neither have I, they must have built it themselves.

Doctor.

Yes.

Come and look.

Good grief.

He took one look and reeled backwards.

I gazed at the amazing spectacle of a planet about five times the size of Earth, with no trace of plant life, trees, or rivers, but completely covered in gleaming steel towers, bridges, skyscrapers, and glass domes as far as the eye could see. The pod lurch suddenly as it prepared to land. Creatures who would build a planet like this would only want us for one thing, our brains.

Look captain.

What?

We're heading for a landing bay.

A beam of intense black light gripped the pod and pulled us down to 200 feet.

Captain Kremmen, look a sign has just appeared on the wall here.

It says, automatic flight terminated, land manually.

I looked feverishly amongst the alien equipment for a steering wheel.

Is this it captain?

No Carla that's a digital thermionic video signal processor.

Oh, how about this?

No that's an integrated frequency stabilizing cathode retarder.

And this?

That's a variable thermoplastic micrographic interface logic state analyser.

Look out captain it's too late.

The ship plummeted.

Aargh, Aargh, Aargh...

Captain.

Huh?

We've landed.

Don't panic Carla, I'm right behind you.

Hmm, I noticed.

Suddenly, we saw a strange group of beings approaching. They looked like humans in their long flowing robes, and except for their large transparent heads, 3 lips, and 16 nostrils, they look just like you or I.

Greetings Earthmen.

Greetings oh hideous ones, I am captain Kremmen of planet Earth, and these are my trusted...

We know who you are captain.

Oh.

And in a very short while, we will know everything else about you.

What does he mean?

What do you mean?

As you have deduced captain, we only require you for your knowledge. All knowledge is stored in the brain. Therefore, we will simply remove all of your brain.

Oh!

What?

Take them.

No, nooo.

We were dragged to a chamber where our heads were secured by metal bolts. Electrodes were clamped to our frontal lobes. They started on me first.

Stand by the brain reducer.

Standing by.

I refuse to submit, I refuse to submit, I refuse to submit. I do do do do.

Could this be the end of the most famous brain the cosmos has ever known? Tune in next week when the pain and strain falls mainly on the brain in episode 8 of the Adventures of Kremmen.

Hi cosmo-nuts, Kremmen here. You remember last time the pod in which Carla, Dr. Gitfinger, and myself had been kidnapped landed on the alien planet. I dusted myself off, readjusted my OBE, and looked around us. Suddenly, we saw a strange group of beings approaching. They looked like humans in their long flowing robes, and except for their large transparent heads, 3 lips, and 16 nostrils, they look just like you or I.

Greetings Earthmen.

Greetings oh hideous ones, I am captain Kremmen of planet Earth, and these are my trusted...

We know who you are, captain.

Oh.

And in a very short while, we will know everything else about you.

What does he mean?

What do you mean?

As you have deduced captain, we only require you for your knowledge. All knowledge is stored in the brain. Therefore, we will simply remove all of your brain.

Oh!

What?

Take them.

No, nooo.

We were dragged to a chamber where our heads were secured by metal bolts. Electrodes were clamped to our frontal lobe. They started on me first.

Stand by the brain reducer.

Standing by.

I refuse to submit, I refuse to submit, I refuse to submit. I do do do do.

Get your filthy hands off him you beast.

Little did Carla or the aliens realise that all their machine was doing was giving me a headache.

How could you do this horrible thing you monsters?

Silence Earth wench.

I knew I could pull through this torture, but Carla never would. I remember how she'd once said to me:

Captain, when I made up my mind to join you in your cosmic adventures all those years ago, I decided to develop my brain or bust.

She did swell with the bust but her brain never did catch up. Once in a federation exam, she was asked to define space. She said the answer was right there in her head.

Switch off. Tell Thargoid 1 we have completed draining Kremmen's brain, and we'll start on the others where the reducer has cooled down.

I will do it.

Put them all in the security dome.

I was unscrewed from the brain reducer and marched off with the others down corridor after corridor.

Oh captain are you alright?

Do do do.

When we'd reached the dome and I'd made sure the guards had gone, I dropped the act.

Phew, I made it.

Oh captain, you're okay.

No I've got a terrible headache. Here, lend me your tranquilliser ray.

Here it is.

Huh, that's better.

Captain.

Yes Dr. Gitfinger.

Why you were under the brain reducer, I was doing a little research.

Oh?

Yes, I sneaked into the computer bay next door and plugged in my Grundig.

Discover anything?

Yes, listen to this.

[NOISES]

What is it?

What is it?

What is it? It's computer language, it means that the computer...

...message revealed that the aliens were called Thargoids, a race who thousands of years ago decided the only way to become rulers of the cosmos was to raid other planets, steal their best brains, and then destroy the planet they had raided.

You will realise what this means captain?

Oh captain, this can only mean one thing.

Yes, as soon as they've done with us they're gonna destroy Earth. Carla, we've got to stop them.

Join Kremmen and crew as our valiant space twits pit their wits against the gits in episode 9.

Hi kids, Kremmen here. You remember last time, the Thargoids have tried to suck out my brain with their evil weapon the Neurotron.

Aargh, I refuse to submit.

I pretended that it had worked by going...do do do do.

Switch off. Tell Thargoid 1 we have completed draining Kremmen's brain, and we'll start on the others where the reducer has cooled down.

I will do it.

Put them all in the security dome.

I was unscrewed from the brain reducer and marched off with the others down corridor after corridor.

Oh captain are you alright?

Do do do do.

When we'd reached the dome and I'd made sure the guards had gone, I dropped the act.

Phew, I made it.

Oh captain, you're okay.

Captain.

Yes Dr Gitfinger.

While you were under the brain reducer I was doing a little research.

Oh?

Yes, I sneaked into the computer bay next door and plugged in my Grundig.

Discover anything?

Yes, listen to this.

[NOISES]

What is it?

What is it?

What is it? It's computer language.

It means that the computer message revealed that the aliens were called Thargoids, a race who thousands of years ago decided the only way to become rulers of the cosmos was to raid other planets, steal their best brains, and then destroy the planet they had raided.

You will realise what this means captain?

Oh captain, this can only mean one thing.

Yes, as soon as they've done with us they're gonna destroy Earth. Carla, we've got to stop them.

Well there must be a way out of this place somewhere.

Shh, listen Carla, I can hear the guards talking outside.

Carla pressed her ear up against the wall. I pressed myself up against Carla.

[Thargoid speaking]

What did they say Carla?

Well, it sounded like...

Oh. You know there's only one way out of here.

How?

Remember in the second series when Queen Iris, evil queen of the Krells, held us captive, all those episodes ago...

...

...captain, thank God you've arrived.

Stand back Carla, I'm gonna make a hole in this lead door with the hardest substance known to man.

What's that?

My head.

Oh.

Stand back.

...

...and that's how we got out of that mess, Carla.

I didn't know you played the harp captain.

Oh, it's nothing.

After we burst through the wall of a security dome, I grabbed one of the guards and held him in a triple wristed Quarter Nelson, while Carla tied a knot in his lips.

Take this you alien beast.

The second guard tried to run away and warn the others. I fetched out my Phron gun, set the control to destruct, and let him have it.

Aargh.

Oh captain look, he's turning green.

Oh my god, he's disintegrating Carla.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, he's starting to bubble. Oh, god, god.

When a Thargoid dies it's not a pretty sight. Suddenly we heard on the loud speakers:

All units engaged in Earth attack, report to loading bay.

Look out captain.

Huh!

We dodged into a doorway as hundreds of Thargoid troops marched past, each one of them carrying a billion megaton nuclear device.

Golly captain if one of those hits Earth it's all over.

I've got a strange feeling they won't miss with any of them.

We might be seen out here. Quick, let's get inside this chamber. Hey doctor, we're in luck.

We found ourselves in an old disused launch bay.

Look captain.

What?

Isn't that vehicle over there an old Sky Truck?

Holy mega cycles, it's a six seater shuttle craft.

If we can get it started, at least we can get out into space and radio Earth of the invasion.

Do you think you will be able to operate it captain?

I don't know doctor, what do you think?

Well, the controls look relatively reasonable.

Well at least it'll be better than the old Earth ships, remember them?

What the old gas operated ones?

Yeah, the 5p's always run out in mid flight.

The passenger compartment was like an oven.

And worst of all, the pilot kept going out.

Will our heroes warn Earth in time? Who is the leader of the Thargoids? Is Betty really going out with him? Well, there she is, let's ask her. Stay tuned next time and find out in Kremmen and the Thargoids.

Hi kids, Kremmen here. Well, by superhuman wonderfulness, I've managed to force a way out of the security dome in which we were being kept prisoner by the Thargoids. Once out, we polished off the guards. I held one in a vice like grip, while Carla tied a knot in his lips.

Take this you alien beast.

The second guard tried to run away and warn the others. I fetched out my Phron gun, set the control to destruct, and let him have it.

Aargh.

Oh captain, look.

Oh.

He's turning green.

Oh my god he's disintegrating Carla.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, he's starting to bubble. Oh god, god.

When a Thargoid dies, it's not a pretty sight. Suddenly, we heard on the loud speakers:

All units engaged in Earth attack, report to loading bay.

Look out captain.

We dodged into a doorway as hundreds of Thargoid troops marched past, each one of them carrying a billion megaton nuclear device.

Golly captain, if one of those hits Earth it's all over.

We might be seen out here. Quick, let's get inside this chamber. Hey doctor, we're in luck.

We found ourselves in an old disused launch bay.

Look captain.

What?

Isn't that vehicle over there an old Sky Truck?

Holy mega cycles, it's a six seater shuttle craft.

If we can get it started, at least we can get out into space and radio Earth of the invasion.

Do you think you will be able to operate it captain?

I don't know doctor, what do you think?

Well, the controls look relatively reasonable.

Well at least it'll be better than the old Earth ships, remember them?

What the old gas operated ones?

Yeah, the 5p's always run out in mid flight.

The passenger compartment was like oven.

And worst of all, the pilot kept going out.

Meanwhile, we could hear the countdown to the Earth attack being given over the loudspeaker.

Two minutes to Earth attack.

Quick captain, there's no time to lose.

You two climb aboard, I'll light the wick.

Okay but hurry.

Suddenly, the sky truck burst into life. The overdrive circuits throbbed into action, and the Uniflex Magnetronic Sync-o-Matic pulsing thrust glowed red with nucleonic trajectory dynamic Finsterwald.

Move over you two, I'll take the controls. Doc?

Yes captain?

I'll do the steering and signals, can you manage the gear lever?

Do you doubt me?

No, but I just...

Me the genius who once crossed a bumblebee with an elephant?

Ha ha.

You laugh, you've never been stung with a tusk.

We slowly rose from the launch pad, and with a quick stab on the accelerator, shut out into space.

* * * * *

Oh dear, I hope we'll be alright.

Don't worry my dear, this will save our lives, a thermonuclear device of my own design.

How's a bomb gonna save our lives?

It doesn't work.

Oh boy.

Oh god.

Meanwhile, down below us all hell had broken out.

The Earthlings have escaped, the Earthlings have escaped...

Quick, train the Peutron stench ray on their ship.

Affirmative, Peutron stench ray in position.

They will not get far, Peutron is the smelliest substance in the universe, one whiff is instant death. Fire!

Will Kremmen escape a drenching with Peutron, the strongest stench this side of Radio 1? Stay tuned.

Hi cosmo-nuts, Kremmen here, the only spaceman with a head full of muscle. You remember last time Carla, Dr Gitfinger, and I found an old six seater shuttle craft. And while the Thargoid loudspeakers counted down, we made our escape.

Two minutes to Earth attack.

Quick captain there's no time to lose.

You two climb aboard, I'll light the wick.

Okay but hurry.

Suddenly, the sky truck burst into life. The overdrive circuits throbbed into action, and the Uniflex Magnetronic Sync-o-Matic pulsing thrust glowed red with nucleonic trajectory dynamic Finsterwald.

Move over you two, I'll take the controls. Doc?

Yes captain?

I'll do the steering and signals, can you manage the gear lever?

Do you doubt me?

No but I just...

Me the genius who once crossed a bumblebee with an elephant?

Ha ha.

You laugh, you've never been stung with a tusk.

We slowly rose from the launch pad, and with a quick stab on the accelerator, shot out into space. Meanwhile, down below us, all hell had broken out.

The Earthlings have escaped, the Earthlings have escaped...

Quick, train the Peutron stench ray on their ship.

Affirmative, Peutron stench ray in position.

They will not get far, Peutron is the smelliest substance in the universe. One whiff is instant death. Fire!

Meanwhile up on the ship.

Oh look captain.

What is it?

One of the dials has just flickered into action, look.

I can't look I'm steering this thing, what does it say?

Well, I don't know, it's, it's printed in Thargoidian captain.

Here, let me try. Mm-hmm. It says...

Terrific.

Don't panic captain, I have my miniature computer here, which will unravel this problem in a microsecond.

The doctor tapped out the Thargoid sentence, and out of the other end of his computer came the translation.

DANGER. PEUTRON ATTACK.

What?

Peutron?

DANGER. PEUTRON ATTACK.

What does that mean?

DANGER. PEUTRON ATTACK.

What's Peutron captain?

I don't know. Doctor, ask your computer.

Right away captain.

PEUTRON ANALYSIS. A DEADLY MIXTURE OF ALL HIDEOUS SMELLING SUBSTANCES AVAILABLE IN UNIVERSE. IF TOUCHED, VICTIM INSTANTLY THROWS UP, DOWN, AND SIDEWAYS. BURSTS INTO BOILS, AND DIES. PEUTRON HAS NO KNOWN ANTIDOTE AND IS A VILE, HEWEY GREEN COLOUR.

I get it.

Get what captain?

By now, the Thargoids will definitely know we've escaped, right?

I guess so.

They've probably shot some of this stuff at our ship.

Oh no.

We gazed out of the rear porthole and saw a glowing green lump of sticky throbbing goo slowly approaching us.

Schafts geweinach Krapfen Sie Dinkelbaum Kaptain!

Don't panic, it's got to eat its way through the hull first.

Suddenly there was a mighty lurch as the Peutron hit the ship. I cradled Carla in my big muscly arms as the goo began to stench its way towards us.

Next week you'll go oh, as the goo seeps through. Join us then, space fans.

Hi kids, Kremmen here. You remember last time, us good guys had escaped from the planet of the Thargoids. We were zapping away at nine crypto seconds per goobly when suddenly a message came through the ship's early warning system.

DANGER. PEUTRON ATTACK.

What?

Peutron?

DANGER. PEUTRON ATTACK.

What does that mean?

DANGER. PEUTRON ATTACK.

What's Peutron captain?

I don't know.

The computer went on to tell us exactly what we were up against.

PEUTRON ANALYSIS. A DEADLY MIXTURE OF ALL HIDEOUS SMELLING SUBSTANCES AVAILABLE IN UNIVERSE. IF TOUCHED, VICTIM INSTANTLY THROWS UP, DOWN, AND SIDEWAYS. BURSTS INTO BOILS, AND DIES. PEUTRON HAS NO KNOWN ANTIDOTE AND IS A VILE, HEWEY GREEN COLOUR.

I get it.

Get what captain?

By now, the Thargoids will definitely know we've escaped, right?

I guess so.

They've probably shot some of this stuff at our ship.

Oh no.

We gazed out of the rear porthole and saw a glowing green lump of sticky throbbing goo slowly approaching us.

Schafts geweinach Krapfen Sie Dinkelbaum Kaptain!

Don't panic, it's got to eat its way through the hull first.

Suddenly, there was a mighty lurch as the Peutron hit the ship. I cradled Carla in my big muscly arms as the goo began to stench its way towards us.

Oh captain what are we gonna do, look, it's cracking the portal.

It seemed to be alive as it glurped its way through the window.

Captain I have an idea.

What is it doctor?

I always carry this with me in case of emergencies.

He opened his intergalactic space case, pulled out a cassette machine, and put in a cassette marked Tony Blackburn sings.

[MUSIC] Baby, I need your lovin'...

Think it's gonna work doc?

Well, Tony Blackburn singing usually gets rid of audiences.

Oh captain, I think I prefer the Peutron.

Hey just a minute look, something's happening.

[MUSIC] Another day, another night...

Sure enough as we stood and watched, the goo stopped dead in its tracks.

Carla.

What?

I'm going to the lav.

Captain this is no time for a wee wee.

I got an idea that might finish it off.

I rushed off to the ship's loo and went in. I knew I had to be quick cause I felt in the heart of my bones that that stuff wouldn't stay still for long.

Now where the heck is it? Ah!

I grabbed all the bottles of Stench Killer I could find and proceeded to mix them all together: Dettol, Wendoline, Ajax, Kleenapine, Harpic, and a quick squirt of Brute.

Hey guys, I think I've done it, this might act as an antidote.

Oh captain thank god you've arrived, it's beginning to move again.

Stand back everybody.

As the Peutron reached for my ankles, I poured the mixture on it.

Oh golly, tune in next and go...to episode 13 of Captain Kremmen on this radio set.

Hi kids, Kremmen here. You remember last time when the Thargoids had discovered our escape, they tried to finish us off by shooting evil smelling deadly Peutron at our ship.

Oh captain what are we gonna do, look, it's cracking the porthole.

It seemed to be alive as it glurped its way through the window. Dr Gitfinger tried to kill it by playing Tony Blackburn's LP at it.

[MUSIC] Baby, I need your lovin'...

Think it's gonna work doc?

Well, Tony Blackburn singing usually gets heard of audiences.

Oh captain, I think I prefer the Peutron.

Hey just a minute, look, something's happening.

[MUSIC] Another day, another night...

Sure enough, as we stood and watched, the goo stopped dead in its tracks. I decided that stopping it wasn't enough, we had to kill it. It was then that I had one of my award winning ideas. I rushed off to the ship's loo and went in. I knew I had to be quick because I felt in the heart of my bones that that stuff wouldn't stay still for long.

Now where the heck is it? Ah!

I grabbed all the bottles of Stench Killer I could find and proceeded to mix them all together: Dettol, Wendoline, Ajax, Kleenapine, Harpic, and a quick squirt of Brute.

Hey guys, I think I've done it, this might act as an antidote.

Oh captain thank god you've arrived, it's beginning to move again.

Stand back everybody.

As the Peutron reached for my ankles, I poured the mixture on it.

Oh captain look, it's dying.

Sure enough, the Peutron was just sitting there looking all sort of, uggie.

No, I'd say it was more sort of icky.

Well, it's definitely dead.

How can you tell?

Oh I'm quite clever that way, I have vast quantities of grey matter.

But doctor, you told me the other day that Hertz Van Rental was a Dutch painter.

Captain there's something coming through on the intercom.

Kremmen, we have been observing you on our Teletron screens.

Yes, and we put pay to your Peutron you cosmic creeps, you can't frighten me.

You can't frighten him?

You will listen to me Earth scum. You are lost in space, you have run out of fuel, and your ship if full of dead rotting Peutron.

Listen you digital dummy, I've been in worse jams than this, but I don't care.

He doesn't care, so there.

I have nerves of steel and faith in my script writer.

We have not finished with you yet Kremmen.

* * * * *

From the bottom of my Gucci space boots to the top of my Harrods helmet, I felt an eerie vibrating in my bones. Suddenly I realised, the ship had been gripped.

Carla the ship's been gripped.

I know.

We're being pulled down to the surface of the Thargoid planet by a powerful tractor ray.

Oh captain I'm so worried.

Fear not my little cosmic cupid.

But captain there's no hope.

Carla you're talking to the world's bravest man.

I know, I know.

The man whose bravery will get us out of all this mess.

Oh really?

A man who was brave enough to climb Everest.

That's not so brave.

From the inside.

My lid flipped as we plummeted towards the planet.

Tune in next week friends as Kremmen meets Gort, president of the Thargoids, and is banished to the moon of the Mud Men. In chapter 14 of The Adventures of Captain Kremmen.

Hi kids. You remember last time how we slowed up the deadly stenching Peutron by playing at Tony Blackburn's LP? And how I plan to kill it altogether by throwing a mixture of Dettol, Harpic, Wendoline, Kleenapine, and Brute on it. Well, now came the moment of truth. As the Peutron reached for my ankles, I poured on my mixture.

Oh captain look, it's dying.

Sure enough, the Peutron was just sitting there looking all sort of uggie.

No, I'd say it was more sort of icky.

Well it's definitely dead.

Captain there's something coming through on the intercom.

Kremmen, we have been observing you on our Teletron screens.

Yes, and we put pay to your Peutron, you cosmic creeps. You can't frighten me.

You can't frighten him?

You will listen to me, Earth scum. You are lost in space, you've run out of fuel, and your ship is full of dead rotting Peutron.

Listen you digital dummy, I've been in worse jams than this, but I don't care.

He doesn't care, so there.

I have nerves of steel and faith in my script writer.

We have not finished with you yet Kremmen.

* * * * *

From the bottom of my Gucci space boots to the top of my Harrods helmet, I felt an eerie vibrating in my bones. Suddenly I realised the ship had been gripped.

Carla the ship's been gripped.

I know.

We're being pulled down to the surface of the Thargoid planet by a powerful tractor planet by a powerful tractor ray.

Oh captain I'm so worried.

Fear not, my little cosmic cupid.

My lid flipped as we plummeted towards the planet.

* * * * *

Carla.

What?

I'm gonna try another of my soft landings.

Oh no, not another soft landing.

Standby everybody, this is it.

* * * * *

Troops of guards scooped us up and bundled us into a monorail pod, which zoomed from our landing site. Soon we were travelling high above the Thargoid capital.

I guess we're being taken to the leader of the Thargoids captain.

You think so?

You know like in the movies, take me to your leader.

Captain look down there.

What?

The people look just like ants.

They are ants, we're on the ground.

Oh.

This way Earth scum.

Wow captain this sure is some building, it must be made of solid diamond.

Carla was right, the whole place reeked of expensiveness. This surely was the palace of a president.

When we approach the throne room, you will all enter on your knees.

Listen you transistorized twit, nobody tells Kremmen to kneel.

You will go in on your knees.

I will not go in on my knees.

Or we will remove your eyeballs.

Think I'll go in on my knees.

* * * * *

As we shuffled towards the president's throne, we noticed that he was talking to what seemed to be his advisers.

[THARGOID SPEAKING]

Ahem. Ahem. Ah. Ahem. Ah. Excuse me your majesty.

Ah Kremmen it's you, you scummy little twerp.

Oh.

I have consulted my ministers here, and we have decided that because you have been such an annoyance to us, we must banish you to one of our furthest moons.

The moon he was talking about was none other than Sounaru 9, a cold remote moon billions of miles from anywhere.

Captain, isn't that the one that's completely made of mud?

Yes that's the one.

And it's intensely radioactive Captain.

Quite right doctor...

Well, that was it, we were done for, banished forever on a ball of mud, destined to spend the rest of our lives...in the mud mines.

Oh golly, by the Morgul of Tharnak, could this be the end of the whole Kremmen legend? Tune in and go...with The Adventures of Captain Kremmen on this radio set.

You remember last week as we were making our escape, the Thargoid devil shot an intense ray at our ship, which dragged it down out of the sky. Troops of guards scooped us up and bundled us into a monorail pod, which zoomed from our landing site. Soon we were travelling high above the Thargoid capital.

I guess we're being taken to the leader of the Thargoids captain.

You think so?

You know like in the movies, take me to your leader.

This way Earth scum.

Wow captain this sure is some building, it must be made of solid diamond.

Carla was right, the whole place reeked of expensiveness. This surely was the palace of a president.

When we approach the throne room, you will all enter on your knees.

Listen you transistorized twit, nobody tells Kremmen to kneel.

You will go in on your knees.

I will not go in on my knees.

Or we will remove your eyeballs.

Think I'll go in on my knees.

As we shuffled towards the president's throne, we noticed that he was talking to what seemed to be his advisers.

[THARGOID SPEAKING]

Ahem. Ahem. Ah. Ahem. Ah. Excuse me your majesty.

Ah Kremmen it's you, you scummy little twerp.

Oh.

I have consulted my ministers here, and we have decided that because you have been such an annoyance to us, we must banish you to one of our furthest moons.

The moon he was talking about was none other than Sounaru 9, a cold remote moon billions of miles from anywhere.

Captain, isn't that the one that's completely made of mud?

Yes that's the one.

And it's intensely radioactive Captain.

Quite right doctor.

You're enjoying this aren't you, you evil swine?

I summoned up a whopper and spat in his eye.

Aargh, you'll pay for this Kremmen.

How much?

50p.

Done.

Guards hustled us out of the throne room and bundled us into an auto drive Galactopod with just enough fuel for a one way trip to Sounaru 9.

The ship rose slowly into the green night sky and slipped effortlessly away.

Captain I really don't think you should have spat in his eye like that.

You're right Carla, I should have stuck my foot up his nostril instead.

I know but look what's ahead of us now, banished forever to a radioactive lump of mud.

Well at least we won't be lacking for company captain.

What do you mean?

There are other people on this moon you know.

Really, who are they?

Many years ago captain, the Thargoids ran out of natural sources of energy, just as the Earth did in 1994.

Mm-hmm.

And just like us, they looked for other ways of obtaining it.

Well, it certainly looks like they succeeded.

Indeed. They discovered that one of their moons, Sounaru 9, was entirely made of radioactive mud, just right for converting into power. So they sent teams of workers to dig it out.

Don't tell me, the radioactivity reduced them into mumbling, brainless dumdums.

Yes captain, and they're hoping the same will happen to us.

Is there no protection against this radio activity?

The only thing that really works is to dress from head to foot in pure silver.

But we haven't got any.

Well what's the closest thing to silver captain?

The Lone Ranger's bum Carla.

Oh.

A few hours later, we arrived. We looked out of the porthole and saw it there below us. It was a moon about the size of Earth's, but brown, wet, and yucky. Suddenly the fuel ran out and we plummeted down to the surface.

Here Carla, put these space wellies on.

Oh captain look out there, a reception committee.

Sure enough coming towards us through the mud was a group of radioactive mud men. Limping, twisted lumps that once had been human, now gnargled beyond recognition.

Oh Captain look, that one's got three knees.

Their leader opened up a hole in his head and spoke.

Oh golly, by the holy sceptre of Queen Mongol of the Krons. Tune in and see if our valiant heroes can wriggle out at this one in episode 16 of Captain Kremmen.

Hi kids, Kremmen here. You remember the last time, Gort, leader of the Thargoids, banished us to Sounaru 9 to spend the rest of our lives digging in the mud mines.

Well, have fun in the mud you three. Ha ha ha.

You evil nerd.

I summoned up a whopper and spat in his eye.

Aargh, you'll pay for this Kremmen.

How much?

50p.

Done.

Guards hustled us out of the throne room and bundled us into an auto drive Galactopod with just enough fuel for a one way trip to Sounaru 9. The ship rose slowly into the green night sky and slipped effortlessly away.

Captain I really don't think you should have spat in his eye like that.

You're right Carla, I should have stuck my foot up his nostril instead.

I know but look what's ahead of us now, banished forever to a radioactive lump of mud.

Well at least we won't be lacking for company captain.

What do you mean?

There are other people on this moon you know.

Really, who are they?

Many years ago captain, the Thargoids ran out of natural sources of energy just as the Earth did in 1994.

Mm-hmm.

And just like us, they looked for other ways of obtaining it.

Well it certainly looks like they succeeded.

Indeed, they discovered that one of their moons, Sounaru 9, was entirely made of radioactive mud just right for converting into power. So they sent teams of workers to dig it out.

Don't tell me, the radioactivity reduced them into mumbling, brainless dumdums.

Yes captain, and they're hoping the same will happen to us.

Is there no protection against this radioactivity?

The only thing that really works is to dress from head to foot in pure silver.

But we haven't got any.

Well what's the closest thing to silver captain?

The lone ranger's bum Carla.

Oh.

A few hours later, we arrived. We looked out of the porthole and saw it there below it. It was a moon about the size of Earth's, but brown, wet and yucky. Suddenly, the fuel ran out and we plummeted down to the surface.

Here Carla, put these space wellies on.

Oh captain look out there, a reception committee.

Sure enough, coming towards us through the mud was a group of radioactive mud men. Limping, twisted lumps that once had been human, now gnargled beyond recognition.

Oh captain look, that one's got three knees.

Their leader opened up a hole in his head and spoke.

What did he say doc?

He said it's extremely difficult...to talk...it's extremely difficult to talk to you...with a mouthful of mud.

Well tell him to spit it out.

Spit it out...thanks.

As the doctor stood there with a mud gilbert sliding down the front of his spacesuit, I measured Carla for radioactivity.

Oh.

Golly Carla.

What?

According to this Geiger counter, you've got far too many Geiger's.

Oh captain if I die you can have my Hi-Fi, and the keys to my flat, and all my expensive collection of doobries, and...

Carla I wouldn't let you die, you know that.

And my life size Fozzie Bear doll, and...

Carla.

And this handy dandy transistorized escape kit, and...

Carla, there's no way that I... What? Escape kit? Did you say escape it?

Yes captain I always carry it with me, you know the scrapes a girl can get into.

I grabbed it and rummaged through.

What's this Carla, this thing that looks like a, a fruit gum.

Oh that's a low yield nuclear device captain, in case I get captured by someone who wants to shoot me, I say, before you shoot me have a fruit gum. And as soon as he puts it in his mouth...

Oh how horrible.

At least it's a black one.

What's this mess at the bottom here?

That? Oh, that's a new material our scientists are developing that dissolves anything it touches. Used to be in a bottle, but it dissolved the bottle.

Hmm, and what's this thing with the propeller on top?

Oh, that's a thing for lifting you off the ground so you can escape from places you don't like, but it's no use.

Why?

I forgot to bring the batteries from Earth.

Well, do you think it would run on radioactive mud?

I don't know I forgot to ask the guy I brought it off.

Well let's give it a whirl Carla.

Okay.

It might get us out of here.

Tune in next week, space fans, to episode 17 of The Adventures of Captain Kremmen, King of the Cosmos.

Hi kids, Kremmen here. You remember in last week's lung bursting bowel dripping episode, Carla had pulled a master-stroke that none of us were expecting. She'd remembered to bring her handy dandy nuclear powered laser assisted escape kit. Now at last we had hope.

After several days on the mud moon, the radioactivity was getting pretty bad. Fortunately my bionic blood was pulling me through. And another unexpected development, we had been befriended by Norg, the least mutilated of the Mud Men. Apart from having six elbows and eyebrows that met in the middle of his back, he was almost not bad looking-ish.

Captain, you must escape and tell people what the Thargoids are putting us through.

He's right captain, we've gotta get up this moon somehow.

But how?

I've been looking through my escape kit here.

Yeah?

And look what I found.

Oh!

Götterdämmerung Captain, it's a quadera-static interstellar matter transporter.

So it is, it's too small to transport us back to Earth, but it'll take a written message. Anyone got a pen?

Here captain.

What?

Use this.

Norg snapped off one of his fingers. We sharpened the nail and dipped it in mud.

What are we gonna say?

Well how about, err...

We worked out the message, addressed it to the president of the United Armed Forces of planet Earth, and set it to appear in his office. I pressed the doobrie marked send, and we all stood back.

Well doc.

What?

How long do you think it'll take to reach Earth at this distance?

Well, taking into account the basic diametric polarity of structural nucleonic what's it? It should be rematerializing about now.

Meanwhile, back on Earth.

Gee, look Mr. President.

What?

There's a glowing thing appeared on your desk.

Why that's a matter transporter. Those things are only used in times of cosmic distress. Quick, open it. Whoever sent that, needs our help.

Tune in next week, friends, to episode 18 when the Thargoids launch, the war machine, on this radio set.

Hi space fans, Kremmen here. Well, things are really hotting up out here in space. The radiation on the mud moon has given Carla a touch of the...and Dr. Gitfinger's doobrie has swollen up to twice its normal size.

However, being of sound mind and butch body, I resolved there and then that I wasn't gonna let all this beat me, and we would eventually, through my sheer unlimited fabness, pull through to victory.

Thank you folks, thank you, thank you for that warm round of applause. And speaking of things warm and round, Carla my good old left hand lady and space buddy, have discovered something really useful in her space kit.

She pulled it out.

Götterdämmerung Captain, it's a quadera-static interstellar matter transporter.

So it is, it's too small to transport us back to Earth, but it'll take a written message. Anyone got a pen?

Here captain.

What?

Use this.

Norg snapped off one of his fingers. We sharpened the nail and dipped it in mud.

What are we gonna say?

Well, how about, err...

We worked out the message, addressed it to the president of the United Armed Forces of planet Earth, and set it to appear in his office. I pressed the doobrie marked send, and we all stood back.

Well doc.

What?

How long do you think it'll take to reach Earth at this distance?

Well, taking into account the basic diametric polarity of structural nucleonic what's it? It should be rematerializing about now.

Meanwhile, back on Earth.

Gee, look Mr. President.

What?

There's a glowing thing appeared on your desk.

Why that's a matter transporter, those things are only used in times of cosmic distress. Quick, open it. Whoever sent that, needs our help.

It's from captain Kremmen.

Kremmen?

It says Carla, Dr Gitfinger, and I are being held prisoner on the Thargoid moon.

Prisoner?

While Gort, leader of the Thargoids, is planning an Earth attack.

Earth attack?

Send nuclear strike force immediately.

By the bones of Shirley Temple they'll pay for this, launch a nuclear attack.

I'll get on to it right now sir.

May I help you?

Hello is that nuclear attacks? Can you send one up straight away?

Alright, thank you.

From firing ranges all over Earth, rockets thundered away. Their delicate nose cones seeking the target from information I'd put in the note.

9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0. Lift-off. Plus 1, plus 2...

Meanwhile, back in the mud mine.

Oh captain.

What?

This mud, it's getting on my wick.

Never fear Carla, we'll be off this moon faster than you can say eeny meeny macaracker.

Oh captain look, the matter transporter, they've sent it back.

Götterdämmerung Captain.

This was the moment I'd been secretly waiting for. I hurriedly opened the pod, and there inside was what I'd been hoping to find, a two way radio.

Kremmen to Earth, hello Kremmen to Earth, come in please.

Ah speaking captain. Listen, we've sent off a nuclear strike force, but the bombs can't hit Thargoidia. They've got some sort of invisible shield up. You'll have to tackle it from your end captain. Weaken the shield for just one second, and all the bombs can fall through onto the surface.

But if I'm there weakening the shield, all the bombs will fall on me.

It's the only way captain.

But I-I...

Do it for the queen.

Huh?

She's here with me and wants a word with you.

Oh.

I have my husband to support me, he shares all my ideals and all my affection for you.

Don't fail to tune in next week, space addicts, as cosmic war splits your radio screen apart in episode 19 of The Adventures of Captain Kremmen.

Hi kids, Kremmen here. You remember in our last action packed episode how Carla, Dr Gitfinger, and I managed to get a message back to Earth, telling of the Thargoid war plans. As soon as they received our message, they swung into action.

May I help you?

Hello is that nuclear attacks? Can you send one up straight away?

Alright, thank you.

From firing ranges all over Earth, rockets thundered away. Their delicate nose cones seeking the target from information I'd put in the note.

9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0. Lift-off. Plus 1, plus 2...

Meanwhile, back in the mud mine.

Oh captain.

What?

This mud, it's getting on my wick.

Never fear Carla, we'll be off this moon faster than you can say eeny meeny macaracker.

Oh captain look, the matter transporter, they've sent it back.

Götterdämmerung Captain.

This was the moment I'd been secretly waiting for. I hurriedly opened the pod, and there inside was what I'd been hoping to find, a two way radio.

Kremmen to Earth, hello Kremmen to Earth, come in please.

Ah speaking captain. Listen, we've sent off a nuclear strike force, but the bombs can't hit Thargoidia. They've got some sort of invisible shield up. You'll have to tackle it from your end, captain. Weaken the shield for just one second, and all the bombs can fall through onto the surface.

But if I'm there weakening the shield, all the bombs will fall on me.

It's the only way captain.

But I-I...

Do it for the queen.

Huh?

She's here with me and wants a word with you.

Oh.

I have my husband to support me, he shares all my ideals and all my affection for you.

I suddenly felt an attack of Land of Hope and Glory-ness. I rose to my full 6 foot 8, turned to Norg, leader of the Mud Men, and spoke.

How often do the Thargoids come to collect supplies of radioactive mud for their reactors?

There is a shuttle coming tomorrow.

How many guards are on board?

Only one, but he's heavily armed.

He's right captain.

Huh?

Those shuttle guards carry grunge bombs.

Grunge bombs huh, hmm, never fear, I have a plan.

We sat around for the rest of the night reviewing our situation, while the Mud Men had their evening meal. Deep fried rips of mud with mud dressing, followed by mud madrelyn and mixed mud from the trolley.

Oh captain, I think I'm gonna be ill.

No wait Carla, don't go.

What?

I have an idea, listen, [TWINGE]

Hey, that's terrific.

That was nothing, you should hear the one that goes [TWINGLE-TWINGE]

That night, we decided not to sleep in the cave, but to venture out on what I was sure was to be our last night in the mud mines.

As we stepped out into the night, the stars came out in heavenly splendour. Carla snuggled up to my vast, hairy, heaving chest, and together, we turned the darkness into cosmic bliss.

Well why ever not? Tune in next week space groovers and dig episode 20 of your sexy, silly stereo space serial with The Adventures of Captain Kremmen on your local radio set.

Hi kids, Kremmen here. You remember in last week's limb wrenching, bowel gripping episode, how in answer to our pleas, Earth had sent thousands of nuclear bombs hurtling towards Thargoidia.

...3..2..1...0...

Unfortunately the evil stenching enemy had thrust up an invisible protective ray, which stopped the warheads just short of their target.

My job was clear. I had to somehow get from the Mud Moon to Thargoidia, weaken the shield, and let the bombs fall through. I'd die in the attempt of course but, it was my duty.

It's his duty folks.

But first, how to escape from the Mud Moon? I spoke to Norg, leader of the Mud Men.

How often do the Thargoids come to collect supplies of radioactive mud for their reactors?

There is a shuttle coming tomorrow.

How many guards are on board?

Only one, but he's heavily armed.

He's right captain.

Huh?

Those shuttle guards carry grunge bombs.

Grunge bombs huh?

That night, we decided not to sleep in the cave, but to venture out on what I was sure was to be our last night in the mud mines. As we stepped out into the night, the stars came out in heavenly splendour. Carla snuggled up to my vast, hairy, heaving chest, And together, we turn the darkness into cosmic bliss.

* * * * *

Afterwards, we sat behind a rock and had a smoke.

Well, that was pretty good Carla?

Oh it was magnificent captain.

Yeah, it's difficult to improve on perfection but, somehow I always seem to manage it.

[SMOKING AND COUGHING]

Oh Carla, I've gotta give up this brand.

The next day, we eagerly awaited the arrival of the shuttle, which came to collect all the radioactive mud for the Thargoid furnaces, to keep the evil swines in power.

It arrived on time and landed just near the cave, the door slid open. Out came the guard, pointed his grunge gun at us, and bellowed:

Load the shuttle, you insignificant mealy-mouthed scum.

While the Mud Men obeyed the command, Carla whipped out some elastic from her space suspenders.

Here captain.

I plopped a fat juicy mud pie in it and aimed it at the guard.

Take this fiend.

He reeled back as his big green eye sizzled in agony.

I've got his gun captain.

Professor.

Yes captain.

Get all the Mud Men aboard, we're gonna need their help.

Right away.

Once we'd loaded all the Mud Men, I took off. As we approached the planet, I had to steer carefully as all around it were poised atom bombs from Earth just hanging there, mission uncompleted.

Oh captain you're so brave and stuff.

It's nothing Carla, hand me a fag will you?

But captain you know what...

Just a slight attack of space nerves.

Oh.

Boy wait till the Thargoids see what's in the hold.

Here.

They'll freak...[SMOKING AND COUGHING]

Tune in next week, space fans, to episode 21 when we hear Kremmen say,

It's a healthy life out here in space...[COUGHING]

Hi kids, Kremmen here. You remember last time what happened when the mud shuttle arrived from Thargoidia? It arrived on time and landed just near the cave. The door slid open. Out came the guard, pointed his grunge gun at us, and bellowed:

Load the shuttle, you insignificant mealy-mouthed scum.

While the Mud Men obeyed the command, Carla whipped out some elastic from her space suspenders.

Here captain.

I plopped a fat juicy mud pie in it and aimed it at the guard.

Take this fiend.

He reeled back as his big green eye sizzled in agony.

I've got his gun captain.

Professor.

Yes captain.

Get all the mud men aboard, we're gonna need their help.

Right away.

Once we'd loaded all the Mud Men, I took off. As we approached the planet, I had to steer carefully as all around it were poised atom bombs from Earth just hanging there, mission uncompleted.

Oh captain you're so brave and stuff.

It's nothing Carla, however I must say I'm having difficulty managing to drive this thing.

Full start ahead engine room.

Earth are depending on us captain.

I know Carla, one false move on my part now, and it'll be the biggest disaster since a hydrogen bomb fell on Tony Blackburn's head and did 50p's worth of damage.

Below us through the orange clouds, we could see the Thargoid capital. Towering shafts of steel and glass, light bridges, silver domes glinting in the sunshine. And up ahead, half hidden by a giant skyscraper, was Gort's Palace.

Well captain, what are your plans?

Well doc, I could drop our payload of radioactive mud all over the palace roof.

But captain that would give us away. As soon as it hit the roof, they'd suss it with us and pull the lever, switching off the invisible shield.

She's right captain, all the bombs would fall through on top of us all.

It's not that we mind dying, do we doctor?

Well, maybe a little eensy teensy, eensy bitsy tiny weeny bit.

It's you captain.

Mm-hmm?

The universe can't afford to lose you with all your bravery and muscles.

Oh.

No captain, you must live on to guide all peoples of goodwill towards the goal of ultimate destiny and hope, towards a new beginning and a golden tomorrow. And anyway, you can't die, you're the only astronaut to have seen the far side of Demis Roussos.

Moon shuttle, commence landing procedure, commence landing procedure.

Okay folks, this is it.

Oh dear.

Carla pass me that grunge gun.

Okay here it is, but be careful, it's gonna charge a 50 mega-throbs.

This is gonna be a fight to the death, I'm gonna reduce this planet to a barren desolate wilderness entirely devoid of life, like...

Radio 1?

A deep shudder in the bowels of the ship told me we'd landed.

Open the hatch doc, stay behind me Carla, this is gonna be ugly.

Oh golly, by the cringing remnants of Zargo, the Norgled Thwark, what's gonna happen next? Get your radio insured against grunge fire in time for next week's episode.

Hi kids, Kremmen here. Welcome to episode 22 of my most mind skrazzling adventure yet. Here's the story so far.

You remember last time, Kremmen captured a Thargoid shuttle craft packed with Mud Men? Join us now as he homes in on Gort's Palace and prepares to do battle with the enemy. This is Tommy Vance, available for commercial voice-overs, discos, weddings, funerals...

Moon shuttle, commence landing procedure, commence landing procedure.

Okay folks this is it.

Oh dear.

Carla, pass me that grunge gun.

Okay here it is, but be careful, it's gonna charge your 50 mega-throbs.

This is gonna be a fight to the death, I'm gonna reduce this planet to a barren, desolate wilderness entirely devoid of life, like...

Radio 1.

A deep shudder in the bowels of the ship told me we'd landed.

Open the hatch doc. Stay behind me Carla, this is gonna be ugly.

Doc pulled the switch and the door opened.

I jumped out into the loading bay slap bang in the middle of a platoon of Thargoid guards. All they were expecting was a delivery of mud. What they got was a hail of grunge fire.

Take this swines.

Did you get them all captain?

Of course.

Did any of them get you?

As you know Carla, I have bionic skin, and with it I managed to avoid getting hurt at all.

Well what's that mark on your head captain?

Oh, I was sprinkling a little toilet water on my face this morning and the the seat fell on me.

Now we have arrived captain, where to now?

To Gort's throne room. Now where the heck is it?

I got a sneaking suspicion it's along this corridor, 3rd turning on the left up a flight of stairs, and the 2nd door on the right.

How do you know that?

Because there's a sign here that says Gort's throne room is along the corridor, 3rd turning on the left...

Before you could say quasi nuclear phase interlocked dip thong retarders, we were outside the throne room.

Okay Carla.

Yes captain.

Doc.

Ja.

Let's push the door down.

Right.

Okay.

Look captain there's Gort.

Okay Gort the game's up.

Kremmen.

Yes.

You can't burst in here.

Okay, I'll, go and burst outside...

Come back you fool.

What?

I want you to hear this.

He picked up an interstellar radio set, and twiddled it with one of the seven fingers on the middle hand of his left leg.

Here's a news flash. A rogue neutron bomb was accidentally released this morning, and in two minutes, the whole universe will explode. There'll be a full analysis of the implications of this in our main news at ten tonight.

I don't believe it.

You see Kremmen, the game really is up, for all of us.

Is this a trick? Is this the end? Is this a radio serial? Tune in next week and go, ooh, at episode 23 of Captain Kremmen.

Hi kids, Kremmen here. Well, it's been another rip roaring week in space. Here's the story so far.

You remember in last week's episode how Carla, Dr. Gitfinger, and Kremmen decided to take the bull by the horns and cast their doobries to the wind by forcing open the throne room door?

Look captain there's Gort.

Okay Gort, the game's up.

Kremmen.

Yes.

You can't burst in here.

Okay, I'll, go and burst outside...

Come back you fool.

What?

I want you to hear this.

He picked up an interstellar radio set, and twiddled it with one of the seven fingers on the middle hand of his left leg.

Here's a news flash. A rogue neutron bomb was accidentally released this morning, and in two minutes, the whole universe will explode. There'll be a full analysis of the implications of this in our main news at ten tonight.

I don't believe it.

You see Kremmen, the game really is up, for all of us.

I suddenly went all weird and wobbly. The end of the entire universe? The end of everything? Everywhere? Forever?

Okay Gort, I've decided that seeing as we only have two minutes to live, I'm gonna let you go.

Oh thank you captain, you are most generous. I'll just, call for some tea.

Tea?

Yes tea.

Get me a pot of tea for four and be quick about it.

But that's incredible, out here millions of miles from Earth and you drink tea?

We never drink anything else.

Why is that?

You try asking for lager and lime with lips like these.

Listen Gort, as a gesture, let's lay our weapons on the table.

Is, that absolutely necessary captain?

It's a gesture of goodwill Carla.

Captain?

Yes Carla?

Captain, with only a minute to go before the end of everything, we really ought to be, you know...

Yes Carla I know, it's goodbye time.

Excuse us Gort.

Certainly captain, I understand your strange customs.

Well Dr. Gitfinger, Carla, it's time to part forever, and I suppose we ought to say goodbye in the best way we know.

Captain?

Yes Carla?

What about me?

Captain look.

What?

When I press the button on my digital watch? It just says, 10 seconds to go.

Oh golly.

9, 8, ...

I take heart Carla.

I'm so nervous Captain.

Hold on.

I've never died before.

3, 2, 1.

Well isn't that amazing?

What?

Heaven's just like that room we were just in.

Carla, we're, still in that room we were just in.

We're still alive.

Suddenly, I noticed an evil gleam in Gort's eye as he grabbed up the gun I'd laid on the table.

You stupid fools, taken in by my fake news cast. Ha ha ha.

Götterdämmerung, it was all an evil plan.

Oh you beast.

Yes, and now I have you once again in my grips.

Yes, but you've forgotten one thing Gort.

What is that?

You've forgotten about my bionic left foot with the big toe that unscrews like this. And when I join this bit with this other bit and put that into this alongside the twiddly bit that fits into there, this drops down and joins the other section which turns into this.

Ooh, a space cannon.

Right, grab him Carla.

Okay captain, this way you horrible blob.

Out in the main square the Mud Men had rounded up all the other Thargoidians. I spoke to them through my space hailer.

Attention, we are taking your evil leader back to Earth for psychiatric help and brain removal. Now is your chance to prove that you can mend your ways and become decent space citizens.

They answered back as with one voice.

[SPLURP]

Well, some people you just can't help. I set the controls for home, and the ship rose from the pad.

Join us in Journey to Earth next week, episode 25 of Captain Kremmen.

Hi kids, your friend and mine, Kremmen here. Yes Kremmen, the spaceman who picks his teeth with a bull worker. Sit back in stereo now as we tell you the story so far.

You remember last time: Gort, leader of the evil smelling Thargoids tricked Kremmen into handing over his weapons. Kremmen, being mister super butch, has yet another trick up his sleeve.

Yes, and now I have it once again in my grips.

Yes, but you've forgotten one thing Gort.

What is that?

You've forgotten about my bionic left foot with the big toe that unscrews like this. And put that into this alongside the twiddly bit that fits into there, this drops down and joins the other section which turns into this.

Ooh, a space cannon.

Right, grab him Carla.

Okay captain, this way you horrible blob.

Out in the main square, the Mud Men had rounded up all the other Thargoidians. I spoke to them through my space hailer.

Attention, we are taking your evil leader back to Earth for psychiatric help and brain removal. Now is your chance to prove that you can mend your ways and become decent space citizens.

They answered back as with one voice.

[SPLURP]

Well, some people you just can't help. I set the controls for home, and the ship rose from the pad.

The journey back to Earth would take several weeks, as Thargoidia was one of the farthest planets in Vector 903, in the Krenn region of the Zonj quadrant.

It's gonna be a long journey Carla.

Yes captain, fortunately this ship is equipped with all the latest entertainment computers.

Oh, really?

Hmm, there's a computer here that plays chess for you, and a machine over there that watches television for you, and this gadget here that massages your entire body from top to bottom. And this attachment here, pumps strawberry yogurt in your mouth, while this pipe over here blows Chanel Number 5 up your nose.

How have I lived without it?

Doctor.

Ja mein Capitan.

I'm just gonna check a few dials in the engine room, you take the controls.

Yes captain.

Doctor.

Yes?

Now that captain Kremmen has left us.

Mm-hmm.

Would you, would you unzip my dress?

Why yes.

And and remove my petticoat?

Really?

Yes really.

Okay.

And and while you're down there.

Yes?

Take off my high heels.

Certainly.

And last of all, remove my bra.

There.

And don't let me catch you wearing them again.

On my way back from the engine room, I dropped into the brig where Gort was festooned in chains. It was difficult to realise that this piteous creature now grovelling in a corner was only yesterday in his palace plotting the destruction of Earth.

Well Gort, the tables are turned huh?

So it would seem at the moment captain. I suppose being a backward race, you'll torture torture me when we get back to Earth.

Ha ha, no we banned torture many years ago.

I just know you're going to torture me.

No really Gort, way back in 1983 we stopped torture forever on Earth.

How?

We shot Nicholas Parsons.

Excuse me Gort, there's the intercom. Hello?

Captain quick, I'm getting a message through on the Earth frequency.

I'll be right up Carla. Here Gort, finish your ship's porridge.

A message from Earth after all these weeks. I clunked my way back to the bridge just in time to hear Carla say

Captain, it's a long distance from Earth.

I know, about 57 billion miles.

No, no, the space phone. Here, a call from the president.

The president? Here give it me. Hello, Mr. President?

Hello Kremmen?

Yes sir.

Good to hear your voice.

Well sir, I've mopped up the Thargoid menace and saved Earth from invasion again.

Wonderful. And I'm authorised by the interstellar space committee to tell you that we have designated you a hero of space.

Did you hear that Carla?

Yes captain, it's wonderful.

And not only that Kremmen, when you get back here, I'm going to present you with an award from all the citizens of Earth.

Oh really, what is it?

It's two statuettes in solid gold of a spaceman and a space woman. Do you want them mounted?

No, just holding hands will be fine.

Is this the finest moment of Kremmen's career, or is it pride before a fall? Tune in next week to the serial that puts hairs on your chest, The Adventures of Captain Kremmen.

Hi kids, Kremmen here. Well, apart from the occasional collapsing black hole that goes...it's all quiet out here in space at the moment. Here's the story so far.

You remember last time how Kremmen bundled Gort into the brig and blasted off for home? Join us now as the ship blazes a trail across the cosmos and our gallant captain prepares himself for the triumphant reception which awaits him on Earth. This is your announcer, Tommy Vance, also available on cassette and cartridge.

Captain?

Yes doctor?

I've checked the reciprocal radio frequency readout.

Mm-hmm.

And the rheostatic transducers.

Wonderful. And what have you been doing Carla?

Oh, I've been adjusting my high heeled space boots, and I've pressed your tuxedo. We have to look our best for when you receive all those medals.

I gazed down at my little space nymph and thought of what a brick she'd been through all the agonies of this voyage.

Carla.

Yes captain?

It's gonna be quite a while till we reach Earth.

Mm-hmm.

So at last we'll have a chance to really get to know each other better. For instance, is there anything personal and intimate you've always wanted to ask me?

How long is it?

Huh!

How long is it that we've got till we reach Earth?

Oh.

I pulled out my digital calculator and calculated some digitals.

Captain, we should be coming within visual range of Earth quite soon.

Oh that's wonderful. Did you hear that, isn't that wonderful?

Oh, it is.

Here, give me the Televista video Vectra Scope control.

Here it is.

Listen captain, I can hear something coming through.

We all strained our ears as through the crackles and interstellar mush, voices began to appear.

This morning the British Ambassador in Berlin handed the German Government a final Note stating that unless we heard from them by 11 0'clock that they were prepared at once to withdraw their troops from Poland a state of war would exist between us. I have to tell you now that no such undertaking has been received, and that consequently this country is at war with Germany.

What was all that about?

Hang on a second, I got the right planet, but the wrong date.

I twiddled some more.

This is London calling. Here is a news flash. The German radio has just announced that Hitler is dead.

Well, that proves I'm going in the right direction. There, that should do it.

...mission control to Kremmen, mission control to to Kremmen.

Hello mission control, Kremmen here.

Hello Kremmen, we want you to land at Houston.

Which platform? Ha ha ha.

Houston.

Just a little space joke.

Listen Kremmen, this is most important. Our boys in the technical bay have found two enormous errors on your computer tapes.

Sorry mission control, you're fading.

Two gigantic mistakes on your computer tapes.

Sorry?

Two enormous boobs.

Did somebody call me?

As we got nearer to planet Earth, it became slowly visible on the screens. There it was, the grey continents, the dark grey deserts, the light grey oceans.

I wish they'd fit colour TV in these things.

Doctor, you grab the steering wheel while I blow out the wick.

Right captain.

The ship gracefully settled into a gliding slope towards the Houston Cosmodrome, and from several thousand feet, I could see the thronging crowds and hear the cheers.

Look captain there's the president's car.

Okay doc, gently, ease her down.

Once on the launch pad, we opened the hatch and walked out.

Hurrah!

Well Kremmen, you've done it again.

Yes Mr. President, and I've brought you back a little present from Thargoidia.

Oh yes, their leader Gort, I've been looking forward to seeing him.

I'm afraid he's not a pretty sight sir.

Good grief you're right, Aargh, what a horrible mess. Uh, I've never seen such a hideous face.

Err, that's Carla sir.

Oh sorry, yes.

Look there's Gort now.

You think I'm finished don't you? Earth scum. Well not so fast, just you wait till the next episode, you'll see.

Are these the ravings of a three lip knit from outer space, or has Gort got something new up one of his seven sleeves? Tune in next week and freak.

Well Kremmen, you've done it again.

Yes Mr. President, and I've brought you back a little present from Thargoidia.

Oh yes their leader Gort, I've been looking forward to seeing him.

I'm afraid he's not a pretty sight sir.

Good grief, you're right, I've never seen such a hideous face.

Err, that's Carla sir.

Oh, sorry yes.

Look there's Gort now.

You think I'm finished don't you? Well, just you wait till next week's episode.

This is next week's episode Gort.

You'll never get away with this.

You said that in episode 12.

You will not take me alive?

You said that in episode 15.

All your efforts are doomed.

Episode 23.

I'm invincible.

Mr. President.

Yes Kremmen.

I'd like you to send Gort to the Interstellar Medical Research Center for Cosmic Psychiatric and Psychoanalytical Psychological Development and Treatment.

Ah yes, the loony bin.

That night after the award ceremony, dinner at the White House, an audience with the Queen, and tea with the Pope, I drove Carla to my penthouse.

Oh Captain, I've never been alone in your flat before.

You won't be alone, I'll be there.

* * * * *

Fancy a drink Carla?

Mm-hmm, I'll have a double cosmic cocktail.

After we got relaxed, we took our drinks into the Grope-a-Tron cabinet, plugged in, and switched on.

Oh.

Oh.

You nice and relaxed now Carla?

Uh-huh.

I then told Wilmslow, my domestic robot, to make with the sounds.

Daisy, Daisy,
Give me your answer, do!
I'm half crazy,
All for the love of you!
It won't be a stylish marriage,
I can't afford a carriage,
But you'll look sweet upon the seat
Of a bicycle made for two!

The old ones are the best Carla.

You know something captain?

What's that my little cosmic cupid?

You know, you say Gort is ugly.

Mm-hmm.

But after spending all that time on the ship with him, well, I kinda got used to his transparent head, 3 lips, 7 legs, 2 stomachs, 18 giblets, hairy eyeballs.

Yeah.

You're right he's ugly.

Meanwhile, back at the research center, Gort was going through the first stage of his grilling to find out just what it was that made him such an alien fiend.

Now just lie down on this couch and relax and tell me how the problem started.

Well, ever since I was a baby Thargoid, I've had an inferiority complex because I, I felt that people thought I was ugly.

Nonsense you hideous blob.

Also, I've always had this suspicion that people aren't really interested in anything I say, doctor. Doctor?

The next day as sunshine streamed through the windows of the White House, we walked into the Oval Room.

Ah Kremmen.

Mr. President.

I know you've just come back from a tiring adventure and you'd like to put your feet up.

Sure would.

But I got a lot of pressing assignments for you.

Like what?

Like there's a black hole that needs looking into.

Oh.

And New York has mysteriously started leaning 15 degrees to the left.

Happens.

And we've had a rash of exploding neutron stars.

It's no good Mr. President, Carla and I need a holiday.

Holiday?

Yes Mr. President, and we've decided to go for a couple of weeks to the Pleasure Planet.

The Pleasure Planet: a medium sized world in the 5th vector discovered in 2007, where flaxen haired maidens drift through lush meadows, serving ripe fruit and singing native melodies, while any one of its three suns shines out of a cloudless sky. Everything there is made for pleasure.

The Pleasure Planet huh?

Yes sir.

I hear they have sirloin steak trees there.

That's right sir, they're very rare you know.

Shame, I like mine well done.

Ha ha ha.

Join Kremmen next week in an orgy of yummy-ness on the pleasure planet, episode 34 of Captain Kremmen on the station with knobs on.

Hi kids, Kremmen here. Now it's the story so far.

And this is Tommy "tonsils" Vance bringing it to you. In last week's episode, the president of the United States congratulated Kremmen on saving the universe. Now he pleads with him to mop up some other pressing problems.

I know you've just come back from a tiring adventure, and you'd like to put your feet up.

Sure would.

But I've got a lot of pressing assignments for you.

Like what?

Like there's a black hole that needs looking into.

Oh.

And New York has mysteriously started leaning 15 degrees to the left.

Happens.

And we've had a rash of exploding neutron stars.

It's no good Mr. President, Carla and I need a holiday.

Holiday?

Yes Mr. President, and we've decided to go for a couple of weeks to the Pleasure Planet.

The Pleasure Planet: a medium sized world in the 5th Vector discovered in 2007, where flaxen haired maidens drift through lush meadows, serving ripe fruit and singing native melodies, while any one of its three suns shines out of a cloudless sky. Everything there is made for pleasure.

The Pleasure Planet huh?

Yes sir.

I hear they have sirloin steak trees there.

That's right sir, they're very rare you know.

Shame, I like mine well done.

Ha ha ha.

That night I packed my handy dandy cosmic kit bag with all the things I'd need on the pleasure planet.

What are you taking Carla?

I don't know, what about that topless, bottomless, sideless, see through bikini you bought me once?

I tried desperately to stop the steam from oozing out of my ears.

That'll be terrific Carla.

Oh by the way.

What?

Why isn't Dr Gitfinger coming with us?

Oh, he wanted to spend a couple of weeks with missus Gitfinger and all the little gits.

Next morning we pulled into the spaceport, drove to the private section used only by royalty, stars, and space captains, and prepared to board my personal Sprawndsey Mark VII Rocket.

Oh look captain, there's the president.

Where?

Behind that cigar.

Kremmen.

Sir.

I've come to see you off and to thank you for capturing Gort and bringing him back to Earth.

It was my pleasure sir.

By the way, he was quite different from what I expected.

Oh really?

Yes, I thought from your report that Gort would be short.

Well, I too sort of thought that Gort would be short before we fought and he got caught and his evil came to naught. But I guess I'm just fraught, taught, and a little overwrought since I brought Gort back to port.

Yeah, well have a happy holiday Kremmen, and don't forget forget to keep in touch.

I will sir, goodbye.

We climbed aboard and settled into our chamois leather seats. Carla pressed a few buttons.

Then I pressed a few buttons.

Eventually we found the right one.

Well Carla, this time tomorrow we'll be on the most beautiful planet in all of the known universe.

I know, I'm so excited.

Turn on the radio, let's hear the news before we get out of range.

Okay, which station would you like?

Carla, there is only one station.

Sorry.

Independent Radio News, Christopher Hormones reporting. News has just come in that court, evil leader of the Thargoids, has escaped...

Captain, did you hear that?

I hear it but I don't believe it. Turn it up.

Here's Steve Saylor.

Yes it's true. Gort has escaped from the jail and taken all the toilet seats with him. The question is, do the police have anything else to go on?

This is terrible Carla, I just don't understand how he could have got away. The authorities had him locked in the sick bay. How could he have escaped from there?

Perhaps he came out in a rash.

Well whatever happens now Carla, nothing's going to interrupt us. Unless...did you check the boot?

Oh captain, he wouldn't.

He might, he'll resort to ought that wart covered Gort.

Oh golly. Tune in next week earthlings and listen with baited ears to episode 28 of Captain Kremmen.

Hi kids, Kremmen here. Well, it's been another rip roaring, hum dinging, horn swoggling, gang busting, side winding, finger popping week in space. Here's the story so far.

He's right folks, it's the story so far time.

You remember in last week's episode before we blasted off for the pleasure planet, for a little cosmic vacation, the president came to see us off.

Kremmen.

Sir.

I've come to see you off and to thank you for capturing Gort and bringing him back to Earth.

It was my pleasure sir.

By the way, he was quite different from what I expected.

Oh really?

Yes, I thought from your report that Gort would be short.

Well, I too sort of thought that Gort would be short before we fought and he got caught and his evil came to naught. But I guess I'm just fraught, taught, and a little overwrought since I brought Gort back to port.

Yeah, well have a happy holiday Kremmen, and don't forget to keep in touch.

I will sir.

We eventually took off, and as we headed out into the inky blackness of space, we tuned in to our fave station.

Independent Radio News, Christopher Hormones reporting. News has just come in that Gort, evil leader of the Thargoids, has escaped...

Captain, did you hear that?

I hear it, but I don't believe it.

Here's Steve Saylor.

Yes it's true. Gort has escaped from the jail...

This is terrible Carla. I just don't understand how he could have got away. The authorities had him locked in the sick bay. How could he have escaped from there?

Perhaps he came out in a rash.

Well whatever happens now Carla, nothing's going to interrupt us. Unless...did you check the boot?

Oh captain, he wouldn't.

He might, he'll resort to ought that wart covered Gort.

If my suspicion is correct, he may well be here in this very ship.

The strain was too much for Carla, she flipped.

Feeling better now?

Yeah, but we gotta find him captain before he gets to us.

Okay, you follow right behind me. Now, where's the boot?

It's down here captain, but to get to it, you gotta go through the first hold.

Yeah?

And all the baggage that's stowed on the left will have to be stowed on the right.

Uh-huh.

And in the second hold, all the fuel that's stowed in the front will have to be stowed in the rear.

Mm-hmm.

And then we go into the central flight computer complex and flick up the main door release lever, then flick down the pressure control valve, and finally, all the spare engine components that are now stowed on the right of the corridor will have to be stowed on the left.

I see, so it's stow stow flick flick stow.

Oh, by the way, who's gonna drive the ship while we're chasing Gort?

I'll speak to the computer about it. By the way, how do you speak to this computer?

I don't know, ask it.

Ah, computer, how do I get in touch with you?

By speaking into the microphone and depressing a single key.

Fine. Take over the controls of the ship and maintain automatic drive.

I'm timed.

* * * * *

Carla and I eventually worked our way to the rear of the ship.

Well Carla, here we are in the boot, and there's no sign of him.

Captain, look.

What?

Look out here, out of the back window.

But all I can see are the rocket exhaust jets.

Yes, but look at the bit where all the flames come out on take-off.

Yeah?

See the scratch marks?

Huh!

He must have been clutching onto that when we took off.

Oh Carla that's awful. 4000 megawatts of thrust spraying blistering white hot fuel all over him.

Burning him to a bubbling crisp, and splashing his liquid gooey remains all over the launch pad.

Oh Carla I'm so annoyed.

Why?

I just had the launch pad resurfaced.

Well, it's certainly a bad week for baddies. Tune in again soon friends, for a whole new series of Captain Kremmen. Until then, see you round, like a planet.