Series #7 Transcript: The Banana Drama

Hello, and welcome to a whole new adventure starring the following fab characters. Doctor Schweinhund von Gitfinger, sane nuclear scientist. Gilbert Flicker, ship's engineer. Carla, the captain's buxom and beautiful assistant. Our story opens as a fresh problem hits the offices of Star Corps. Captain Kremmen is speaking to the chief commissioner.

Kremmen.

Sir?

I'm getting very worried about outer space.

Why, it's still there isn't it sir? Anyway I can handle anything that comes up.

No, no, it's not exactly as simple as that Kremmen. You're our best man, god knows.

Well, what exactly is the problem sir?

It's just...

Yes?

It's just...too quiet out there Kremmen. It hasn't been this quiet and trouble free since just before the great Krell invasion.

I see, you mean the calm before the storm?

You've, put your finger on it Kremmen.

Ooh, I'll summon up my crew. Can I use your Dictaphone?

No use your finger like everyone else.

Oh by the way Kremmen.

Sir?

How was your holiday?

Oh, I didn't go sir.

Oh.

I stayed behind and did some work.

Really?

Yeah, I designed a new invalid carriage.

Oh yes I hear it wasn't a terrific success.

No sir it had a kick start.

Hello?

Hi Carla, come over quick something big's come up.

Oh I'll be right over.

No, no, stay there, I'll get doctor Gitfinger in on this.

Yeah, captain?

Gitfinger get in here right away.

Yes captain?

What kept you? Listen Gitfinger, I want you to use your transporter ray to get Carla over here in a hurry.

Right, I'll just switch it on.

Good.

Look, there she is materializing in that corner.

Is she alright Kremmen?

Oh yes sir, Carla's like Mount Everest. She's been conquered a few times but only by men willing to suffer great hardship and working in groups of 3 or 4.

Oh, oh dear.

Let me give you a hand.

Oh, oh, I feel wobbly, that transporter ray gives me the willies.

Really?

Mm-hmm, and I get pains up and down my left ventricle.

Carla you're becoming such a hypochondriac.

Nonsense captain, hypochondria is the one disease I don't suffer from.

I filled the crew in on the latest situation, the disturbing quietness out there in space. I told them to drop whatever they were doing and join me aboard my ship, the Troll Nine.

You weren't doing anything important were you doc?

Well I was working on a cure for apathy.

Yeah.

But so far no one has shown the slightest bit of interest in it.

Well I just can't wait to get back into space.

Join us next week, dear listener, as our gallant crew sally forth into uncharted regions in stereo.

And now, intercontinental ballistic enterprises present an associated multinational production.

Captain Kremmen, the worlds most fabulous man.

Hi kids. Welcome to episode 2, series 5, volume 9, part 6, book 1 of an adventure so bold and staggering, it makes Star Wars look like a Tony Blackburn home movie.

And now space fans and holders of identicards, here's the story so far.

You remember last time, a whole bunch of things happened. And if you missed that episode, you're in big trouble, because now it's this time.

On the bridge of the Troll One heading out into the inky blackness of space once more. Star date 49/384...

Hi captain I brung you some hot Bovril.

Oh.

Full of beefy goodness.

That's Carla.

She's my right arm...shaped a little better.

Well Carla, here we are at the bridge of my mighty nuclear powered spaceship again, thrusting forward.

Mm-hmm, that last adventure was so terrific, you'll have to go some to beat it this time.

Carla this is no joyride, the boss says things are too quiet out here in space, and that's always a sign of danger.

Well things might be too quiet out here, but look what's happening down on Earth captain, look.

What?

Right here look, police fired over the heads of rioters.

So what?

They killed 200 people living on a second floor.

Oh. And hey and look at this bit, a 107 year old woman has given birth to a grown up.

Hi captain.

Hi Gonad.

How's it going up here at a bridge?

Oh it's a bit quiet at the moment, how are things done in the crew's quarters?

Well, most of the crew are asleep.

Asleep?

Yeah, the Max Bygrave show's on television.

Plastic Max huh?

Yeah.

Here.

Huh?

Take this videotape and watch it instead.

Oh what is it?

It's, the entire history of the whole world, with all the nasty bits taken out.

How long does it run?

About 27 seconds.

I'll get it captain. Hello, to whom am I speaking at?

It's Sploons Blobber sir.

Oh, it's for you captain.

Ta.

Hello?

Hi captain, Sparks here, we're having a little trouble with the generator.

Oh, what kind of trouble?

Well, for no apparent reason, we're losing power.

Losing power, but that's impossible.

Uh-huh.

Cool it crew! Try switching to...shut up!

Try switching to auxiliary.

It's no good captain, we're losing that too.

Suddenly as we spoke, the lights in the ship, together with all the displays and readouts, plus the engine, ground to a dark and quiet halt.

Captain this is madness.

Well, you know what they say Carla. AC come, AC go.

But a, a ship as modern and, and as nuclear as this one having a power failure. It's unheard of.

Here Gonad, pass me a candle and match from the emergency pack.

Okay captain here they are.

Thanks.

Here captain let me light it.

Okay.

There now we can all see what we're doing.

Gee Carla you look even more delicious and voluptuous by candlelight - those lips, those eyes, that tooth.

Suddenly, the whole cabin was bathed in an eerie green glow as through the porthole we saw a huge thing floating past us.

What is it captain?

Yeah what is it?

I don't know, but it's heading straight for planet Earth.

Tune in next week friends as the ghostly glowing green glob of gunge wreaks havoc all over your radio set in episode 3.

You've just suffered through a disgusting episode of Captain Kremmen.

Hi kids, Kremmen here. You remember last time the boss of Star Corps told me that things were a little too quiet out in space. So I grabbed my trusty crew and blasted off into the inky blackness.

Halfway out into space, I got a call from the bowels of my ship.

I'll get it captain. Hello, to whom am I speaking at?

It's Sploons Blobber sir.

Oh it's for you captain.

Ta.

Hello?

Hi captain, Sparks here, we're having a little trouble with the generator.

Oh, what kind of trouble?

Well, for no apparent reason, we're losing power.

Losing power, but that's impossible, try switching to auxiliary.

It's no good captain, we're losing that too.

Suddenly as we spoke the lights in the ship, together with all the displays and readouts, plus the engine, ground to a dark and quiet halt.

Here Gonad, pass me a candle and match from the emergency pack.

Okay captain here they are.

Thanks.

Here captain let me light it.

Okay.

Carla looked so beautiful in the candlelight, but then she is the world's most voluptuous woman. She's so sexy, hormones take her. Suddenly, the whole cabin was bathed in an eerie green glow as through the porthole, we saw a huge thing floating past us.

What is it captain?

Yeah, what is it?

I don't know, but it's heading straight for planet Earth.

Is it a rocket?

Is it a shooting star?

Is she the meteor?

Well it's definitely not Superman, it's not wearing a figure hugging elastic body stocking.

Captain, I would say it's about 50 miles across. It must be an asteroid.

This smacks of urgentness, Carla

Mm-hmm

Get me Earth on the phone.

Okay captain.

If that thing scores a direct hit on planet Earth Carla, it'll do more damage than Radio 1.

Here's your call captain.

Thanks.

I'm gonna lie down for a while, all this excitement isn't good for me.

Poor Carla, till she joined me she was living a sheltered life.

Yeah, bus shelters, air raid shelters, anything.

Hello commissioner.

Hello Kremmen, you still treading boldly?

Yes sir, but I got some bad news. Sit down and hold on to something tight.

Right. Miss Pringle?

Yes sir? Oh!

Okay Kremmen, fire away.

Well sir, we were trolling along out here observing cosmic phenomenon, when suddenly a gigantic 50 mile wide meteor zapped past us heading straight for Earth.

Yikes! I better get down to the operation room. We'll send up a barrier ray and try to deflect it.

Good idea sir.

Golly doctor Gitfinger, I wish we had a meteor expert on board like Sir Otto von Klanger.

Mm-hmm, that name rings a bell?

Captain.

Yes Foonman?

I-I just got this telex for base.

Uh-huh.

The meteor passed within a 100 miles of Earth.

Woah.

Wow.

Now we can relax.

Carla?

Mm-hmm.

Wanna join me in the relax-a-tron?

Oh, goody, goody.

We climbed into the cabinet, plugged ourselves in, and switched on.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Little did we know that as we arrived in computerised bliss, back on Earth something heinous had happened.

Hello, Reginald Boesenkid here. Since the asteroid passed by Planet Earth a few days ago, strange happenings have been reported. Here's our science correspindent.

It's true folks. Here's a model of planet Earth, and here's a model of the magnetic layer that surrounds it, and here's a model of the 50 mile wide asteroid that passed us by. It seems that the asteroid has disturbed the magnetic layer and caused plant life all over the world to go crazy. Some reports indicate that fruit and vegetables are growing to alarming proportions.

He was right folks, we looked out of the porthole of our ship.

Wow Captain.

What?

Look down there, a cucumber that's three miles long.

Careful Carla, it may be a plant.

Doctor?

Ja captain.

I wanna take a closer look, give me warp factor 3.

Warp factor 3.

Golly captain, imagine it, a world full of rampaging vegetables. Oh. I mean, how do you reason with a 10 ton potato?

You look it straight in the eye Carla.

Our craft edged slowly into a majestic curve over planet Earth, skimming across whole continents, until eventually we were over China.

Captain look

What? What?

Down there.

Uh!

It's a giant banana, on the rampage.

Good heavens it's huge.

Captain.

What is it Foonman?

The sensors indicate that the giant banana is six miles high.

Uh-huh.

Weighs 400,000 tons.

Yeah.

And is extremely hungry.

Yes Captain look, down there between Kowloon and Hong Kong.

My goodness, it's eating Hong Kong. It's eating Shanghai. It's eating Peking.

What are we gonna do captain?

Wait two hours, then it'll be hungry again - you know how it is with Chinese food.

Foonman?

Yeah?

Head for Washington, that giant banana's wreaking havoc. I wanna arrange a meeting with the world powers.

Okay captain.

The ship dropped into star drive and shot forward and round the globe to America. I was determined not to let the world perish at the hands of a piece of fruit.

Hey captain.

What?

Sensors indicate a giant raspberry in the scanning room.

Well, I can assure you it wasn't me.

You just suffered through a disgusting episode of Captain Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Science fiction will never be the same.

It's what?

It's wacky.

It's slick.

It's zappy.

It's the madcap, daffy, fractured, daffy, ring a ding, loony zany, side splitting, rib tickling, slap happy world of Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Now we're [...] in total stereo.

Hi kids, this is your one and only heavily muscled square jawed tan space superstar here. You remember last time a giant banana was attacking Earth, eating all in its path.

My crew and I watched helplessly as it ravaged its way across the globe.

Captain.

What is it Foonman?

The sensors indicate that the giant Banana is six miles high.

Uh-huh.

Weighs 400,000 tons.

Yeah.

And is extremely hungry.

Head for Washington, that giant banana is wreaking havoc. I wanna arrange a meeting with the world powers.

Okay captain.

The ship dropped into star drive and shot forward and round the globe to America. I was determined not to let the world perish at the hands of a piece of fruit.

I rang the boiler room and spoke to the engine supervisor, Artie Choke.

Hello Artie.

Hello.

Get some more steam out of this crate, there's no time to lose, the world's being attacked on all sides by rampaging fruit and veg.

I know captain I just looked out at a porthole and saw a huge runner bean jogging past.

I walked over to Carla who was leaning over the televiewer.

Hey captain, look at all the havoc these fruit and veg are wreaking on earth.

My god Carla, look at that gigantic pear.

Oh, thank you captain.

Oh I'll get it. Hello? Yeah. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Captain?

Yeah?

There's a giant orange wants to speak to you on a space phone, but you'll have to hurry.

Why, have the pips gone?

No, but he says he's booked for squash this evening.

Ignoring that extremely small joke, I checked our coordinates with the first mate and found we were over the East Coast of the United States.

Hey Frellman.

Yeah?

Turn on the radio to one of those all news stations, and let's find out what's happening down there on the surface.

Okay captain.

This is WIMV Miami, Florida's first and only 24-hour all news and information state.

CBS News.

This is Molted Crabbits. Greens have been arrested in New York for a decent behaviour: they are thought to be love lettuce. Meanwhile, reports of overcrowding problems for some toadstools in Wyoming where there is not mushroom. Scientists have crossed a long haired dog with a dandelion and come up with a cauliflower...

Carla, my little space dumpling.

Yeah?

I've got an idea that just might stop all this madness.

You're gonna get a new scriptwriter?

No this involves you Carla.

Me?

Yeah, that giant banana must be stopped, and I'm gonna use you as bait.

How?

Well, according to latest calculations.

Mm-hmm.

The banana is making its way across the Atlantic right now.

Yeah?

If we evacuate New York and just have you standing alone on Brooklyn Bridge looking voluptuous, it's bound to be extremely attracted by you, and as it makes its way towards you, we'll nab it from behind.

Despite Carla's red, white, and blue blood, I noticed as I spoke that she turned a peculiar white colour.

Are you ill?

I hope so, I'd hate to feel like this if I was well.

Meanwhile the radio kept up the dreadful news.

Several giant radishes have been seen south of Illinois: there'll be a repeat later this evening.

Will Kremmen's plan work? Will Carla survive? Is the world saved? Send your answers on a postcard to the what are we going to do next contest, London West...

Hi kids, this is captain Kremmen from the radio show of the same name. You remember the last time a comet passing planet Earth had upset the magnetic balance and as a result fruit and vegetables everywhere had grown to outrageous proportions. A gigantic six mile high banana was even as I speak, striding across the Atlantic on its way to attack New York. My lightning brain zapped into action.

Carla my little space dumpling.

Yeah?

I've got an idea that just might stop all this madness.

You're gonna get a new scriptwriter?

No this involves you Carla.

Me?

Yeah, that giant banana must be stopped and I'm gonna use you as bait.

How?

Well, according to latest calculations.

Mm-hmm.

The banana is making its way across the Atlantic right now.

Yeah.

If we evacuate New York and just have you standing alone on Brooklyn Bridge looking voluptuous, it's bound to be extremely attracted by you, and as it makes its way towards you, we'll nab it from behind.

Hello? Ja.

Captain.

Yes doctor?

The mayor of New York is on the space phone. Are you still there Herr Mayor?

Here give it me, thanks.

Hey mayor, I want you to evacuate New York City.

Hey, what is this already? You bunch of bananas up there?

No, but you will if you don't get everyone out of that city now.

He's right, that giant banana is running rampant.

Yeah, get everyone out of there this minute it's is heading your way.

They're right sir, I want the whole town empty, and there isn't much time.

Captain, do you know what you're saying?

Yes I was listening. This is really serious mayor, only yesterday a giant orange was about to attack the city of Chicago.

What happened?

Fortunately it stopped just outside.

Why?

It ran out of juice.

Carla?

Yes captain?

I want you to go somewhere quiet now and summon up the courage to do this act of heroism.

Okay captain but, don't you think we're doing this too fast? I mean, can't we capture the veg now and the fruit Sunday?

Fear not little Carla, deep down I just know that banana's yellow.

Okay captain, I'll, I'll do my best.

Good grief captain, what bravery.

She's a brick.

Frimman?

Yes captain?

Take the controls and home in on Brooklyn Bridge.

Aye aye sir.

Our mighty ship gracefully zoomed over the Hudson River and across the bay towards the bridge. It wasn't long now before the arrival of the Banana. Down below us, the city of New York looked strangely quiet as not a soul stirred.

Its me?

Well Carla, have you managed to summon up enough courage to face the Banana?

Well I've tried captain, but without avail.

Okay, so wear a vale?

You've just suffered through a disgusting episode of Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Hi kids, Kremmen here. You remember the last time onboard my spaceship, Troll One, I placed a call to the mayor of New York. It finally came through.

Hello? Ja.

Captain.

Yes doctor?

The mayor of New York is on the space phone. Are you still there, Herr Mayor?

Here, give it me, thanks. Hey mayor, I want you to evacuate New York City.

Hey what is this already? You bunch some bananas up there?

No, but you will if you don't get everyone out of that city now.

He's right, that giant banana is running rampant.

Yeah get everyone out of there this minute, it's heading your way.

Moments later New York had been totally evacuated, and Carla stood alone on Brooklyn Bridge awaiting the arrival of the six mile high banana.

Look captain.

What? Where?

There it is, coming up over the horizon.

Quick edge the ship behind the skyscraper so it won't see us.

The banana loomed over the skyline and strode into the bay.

Look, it's stopping.

It's spotted Carla.

It's moving towards her.

The banana came to a halt and leaned hungrily in Carla's direction.

It's licking its lips, quick lock lasers in position.

Lasers in position.

We moved slowly into the firing line.

Prime photon bullets.

Photon bullets primed.

By the look on that banana's face doc.

Mm-hmm.

I'd say it liked Carla.

Mm-hmm. I think Carla likes the banana.

Engage Phron banks.

Phron banks engaged.

Quick captain, it's reaching down to her.

Quick as a flash, I threw the ship into hyperdrive, shot out from behind the building and...

Fire one.

Fire two.

Two direct hits. The banana lurched to one side groaning.

Quick doc, home in on Carla and pick her up.

Ja mein Captain.

With a soul tearing groan, the banana finally keeled over and fell headlong into the Hudson.

Grrr.

NBC News, Milton Thrin reporting. Teams of navvies have been employed to drag the wounded to dry land. Then with the aid of hundreds of mobile tower cranes, take it to New York City hospital where a team of surgeons led by doctor Heinrich von Gitfinger are operating on this weird creature even now.

Carla and I were back at the offices of Star Corps patting each other on the back.

Oh, oh, oh, yes, down a bit, up a bit, oh, oh, oh.

Well captain.

What?

Reports are coming in from all over saying there's enough fruit and vegetables to feed the whole world forever.

I know that's wonderful Carla.

Ah doctor, did you manage to save the banana?

Well it was touch and go for a while, but eventually it pulled through.

Well that's wonderful doc, any problems?

Well there is just one itsy bitsy one.

What's that?

I'm afraid that even though the banana is still alive.

Uh-huh.

It will always be a cabbage.

Well that's another nasty situation neatly tucked away Carla.

Yeah, you've saved the world again.

Yeah, but you know, I always hate it when an adventure comes to an end.

Oh whys that?

Because it means I gotta think of the whole new one for next week.