Series #2 Transcript: Captain Kremmen and Queen Iris

Hi kids, Kremmen here. I was relaxing on the bridge of the Troll One as it was careering through uncharted regions of the cosmos. As the crew busied themselves driving the ship and collecting data, I was busy playing chess with computer.

Okay computer, Knight's pawn to rook 3.

1011.

King's rook to bishop 4.

104. 106164.

Queen's knight to pawn bishop.

B equals B.

Bishop's queen to rook pawn.

2. 107.

Checkmate.

And return to start. Do not pass go.

Oh hi Captain Kremmen.

Hi Carla.

It was Carla, my sexy assistant in her figure hugging plastic spacesuit with thigh length polyester space boots. She pulled off her round pink space helmet to reveal her round pink head.

Where you been Carla?

Well, I've been outside the ship you know, trying out my new high heeled space boots with a little space walk.

Carla, you devil woman.

You're captain.

Our lips met.

Bridge to captain, Captain hello, this is the bridge, is that you captain, this is the bridge.

Hi Bridge. This is the captain.

I see. Captain, I don't wanna worry you while you're in there helping Carla off with her sexy tight space suit or nothing.

What is it Gonad?

Well captain, you know I'm not one to panic.

Out with it, Gonad. What's the matter?

Why don't you come to the bridge, captain? See for yourself. You're not gonna believe it.

Carla and I climbed into the communicart and drove to the bridge. As I closed the hatch behind me, I had a strange feeling that this was no ordinary panic stricken call. The ship suddenly gave a lurch.

Oh, oh my god. Oh. Captain. Captain. Captain. Oh, Captain.

What is it?

It's, it's the eye.

Eye? What eye?

It's, it's been on screen for about a minute now just hanging there in space. About 2 miles wide and it's just hanging there, a giant eyeball. Oh, do you know what the worst of it is?

What?

We're heading straight for it.

Oh my god.

Will the Troll One fly into the eye? Or will they die? And why? Who can say? Get on with it! Tune in next week for episode 2 of Captain Kremmen and Krells, the world's only stereophonic space serial, on this, the station that gives it to you straight between the ears.

Hi, gang. Kremmen here, captain of the Earth ship Troll One. You remember last week we were travelling through space searching for new planets to introduce the fruits of our civilization to? Well, we were now beyond Fargone 6, the furthest known star in the universe. I'm heading out into the blackness of the unknown when suddenly I had a call from Gonad, my left hand man.

Bridge, to captain. Captain hello this is the bridge is that you captain. This is the bridge.

Hi, Bridge. This is the captain.

Well, captain, you know I'm not one to panic.

Out with it Gonad, what's the matter?

Why don't you come to the bridge captain? See for yourself. You're not gonna believe it.

I immediately grabbed my sexy assistant Carla, and zoomed to the bridge. On the way the ship gave a lurch. The crew panicked. I had to call an immediate meeting.

Well men, it appears our ship is being dragged into a into, a giant eyeball 3 miles across. It's just hanging there in space. I don't know why and I don't like it. Have you any suggestions as to what we should do about it?

Let's panic some more.

Ah come on men, have you no ideas at all?

No.

Not one sensible idea?

No.

Any silly ideas?

I raced down to computer room and asked it how long we had left.

Dear computer, how long have we not left? Please.

It replied:

1011. Subroutine eopsarrayabfx1c.

According to computer, we had just 7 minutes till impact. I called Carla to my cabin.

Yes captain, what is it?

Carla, something horrible is going to happen when we get inside that eyeball. I just know it.

Yes captain.

And I don't want you to be part of it.

What?

I'm sending you off in a travel pod in the opposite direction.

But I-I...

You should just be able to pull free of the force of the eye.

Captain I won't go, I love you and I wanna share your fate whatever it is.

Carla it's no use, it's an order, and what's more...

[SINGING] If I should die inside that eye, then please don't cry, because it has its compensation Carla.

What?

[SINGING] I'm leaving you my Hi-Fi...

Oh.

[SINGING] ...and the keys to my BMW.

Oh captain you're so wonderful.

I know.

With the crews applause ringing in my ears, I pushed the firing button on Carla's travel pod. She shot off into safety.

Two minutes to impact.

The crew and I prepared to fall headlong into hell as the ship hurtled ever faster into who knows what. Join us next week - if we're still alive.

Hi gang, this is captain Kremmen, a spaceman that makes Batman look like Larry Grayson. You remember last week as we were zooming through space, we came across a giant eyeball 3 miles across. It was just hanging there in space and it was dragging our spaceship into collision course. I called Carla into my cabin.

Yes captain what is it?

Carla, something horrible is going to happen when we get inside that eyeball. I just know it.

Yes captain.

And I don't want you to be part of it.

What?

I'm sending you off in a travel pod in the opposite direction.

But I-I...

You should just be able to pull free of the force of the eye.

With the crews applause ringing in my ears, I pushed the firing button on Carla's travel pod. She shot off into safety.

Two minute to impact.

The crew and I prepared to fall headlong into hell as the ship hurtled ever faster into who knows what.

My trusty left hand man Gonad and I looked at it through the televiewer.

What do you make of it Gonad? Is it made of a substance not known to man?

No captain according to computer, it's made of eyeballs.

Thirty seconds to impact.

By now, the hull of the ship was cracking up. Fires were breaking out on all floors.

I quaffed a glass of Protocon 6 to steady my nerves, and cast my mind back to simpler happier days, when all I had to do was capture the thing that went...

Ten seconds to impact.

Brace yourself Gonad.

I have.

This is it.

I know.

We're going into three mile wide eyeball.

Oh my god.

Standby, this is it!

Good evening this is Reginald Boosinquetsch. There's still no word from deepest space regarding Captain Kremmen and his crew aboard the Troll One spaceship. The last communication received by laser beam from the area of Thargon 6, has just been sent to us from Jodrell Bank.

Hello Help. Hello Help. Help Hello. Hello Help. Help!

The queen has ordered a month of mourning, and this afternoon, the prime minister fainted when hearing the news. In fact, I'm pretty cut I've avoided myself.

What's he saying?

I mean, he was the sort of chap that made you feel glad to be British.

He can't go.

I shall miss him.

Get him off, he's gone crazy.

God I'll miss him, I can't go on.

Cue the credit.

Oh God.

Cue the credits, quick!

Hi gang. This week, I'm not your usual devil may care space captain. Things really look bad. The ship's a wreck. Carla's gone. The crew have freaked. And I've run out of blue cream.

The spectre of the 3 mile wide eyeball hanging in space haunted the televiewer, and we were hurtling towards it at astounding speed.

What do you make of it, Gonad? Is it made of a substance not known to man?

No captain according to computer it's made of eyeballs.

Thirty seconds to impact.

By now the hull of the ship was cracking up. Fires were breaking out on all floors. I quaffed a glass of Protocon 6 to steady my nerves.

Ten seconds to impact.

Brace yourself Gonad.

I have.

This is it.

I know.

We're going into three mile wide eyeball.

Oh my god.

Standby this is it.

When I came around, I found we were in a giant hall filled with Krell guards. They advanced towards me and dragged me to my feet.

To your feet Earth man.

Before I could say integrated circuit, I was whipped off into a Krell mobile and shot down a tube. On the way to who knows where, I tried to reason with one of the guards.

Say guard. I know you're probably not allowed to talk to prisoners and stuff like that, but, you know, can you give me a little sneak preview of where we're going?

We are not programmed for human conversation.

But all I want to know...

We are not programmed for human conversation.

What about the Geneva Convention.

We are not programmed for human conversation.

Oh forget it.

At last, we arrived at a giant pair of solid gold doors with a Krell crest. A guard pushed one of them open, and I was escorted in. At the end of this sumptuously decorated chamber was a throne, and sitting on the throne was, a sort of a, a woman thing. Three of her heads spoke to me.

I am Iris Queen of the Krells, and you are Captain Kremmen, the man who dared to interfere with our plans to take over your puny planet. You will not get a second chance Captain. For nine months since you quashed our invasion, our computers have been working out a torture that makes the Spanish inquisition look like Mary Poppins.

Ugh.

Guards, take him to the torture chamber.

No, no...

Will Captain Kremmen be launched into a quivering blob of broken bits? Will he be stretched, folded, stapled, and mutilated? Or will he be made into a delicious meal for three? Listen to the result next week on the channel with knobs on.

Well, kids, at last we knew the bitter yucky truth. That thing travelling through space was nothing other than the queen of the Krells travelling private eyeball. I sat listening to her sentence meet to the worst torture that the Krell computers could devise.

For nine months since you quashed our invasion, our computers have been working out a torture that makes the Spanish inquisition look like Mary Poppins.

I freaked.

Guards, take him to the torture chamber.

No, no...

I knew much about the Krell methods. They were famous throughout the universe for their evilness. The Brillo pads up the nose trick; the boiling lead bath; the red hot needles and rock salt in the wounds routine. I was prepared for them all.

Kron?

Yes oh Iris queen of the Krells.

I want you to devise a new torture for the Kremmen.

Yes your beautiful mercer.

He is the only creature in the universe who has dared to defy the Krells. I want you to reduce him to a spot on the carpet.

I heard of a torture they're using to good effect on Zelgo, your majesty.

What is that?

Well, you inject baby piranhas into the bloodstream and they slowly eat their way out.

[CACKLING LAUGHTER]

While they cackled into their prawn fruit juice, I was being thrown bodily into a steel room, resplendent with instruments of torture of every kind. I noticed in one corner a Krell foot crusher complete with toe twisting attachment. An electric spine remover.

Two Krell guards came in suddenly and bolted my body to the floor.

Is his head in the vice?

Affirmatory.

Switch on.

Switching now.

Suddenly, two flaps opened in the ceiling and a giant TV screen lowered down until it was inches from my face.

Well Kron, I think this torture is one of your greatest to date.

Thank you your majesty.

A stroke of genius Kron. Who could possibly survive 600 episodes of Crossroads?

What? Oh, no...

Turn the switch Kron.

[THEME TUNE MUSIC]

Ooh, noo...

Oh my god, how much do they expect a man to take? Tune in next week to this channel and find out. Personally, I'd prefer to Brillo pads up the nose anytime. That's episode 6 of Captain Kremmen and the Krells on this station.

Hi kids. Well, the Krells really had me now. I was screwed to the floor of the torture chamber. While in another part of the eye ship, Iris, queen of the Krells, plotted my end with her chief torture expert, Kron.

Kron?

Yes oh Iris queen of the Krells.

I want you to devise a new torture for Kremmen.

I heard of a torture they're using to good effect on Zelgo, your majesty.

What is that?

Well, you inject baby piranhas into the bloodstream and they slowly eat their way out.

Ha ha ha.

While they cackled into their prawn fruit juice, I was being thrown bodily into a steel room, resplendent with instruments of torture of every kind. I noticed in one corner a Krell foot crusher complete with toe twisting attachment, an electric spine remover. Two Krell guards came in suddenly and bolted my body to the floor.

Is his head in the vice?

Affirmatory.

Switch on.

Switching now.

Suddenly two flaps opened in the ceiling and a giant TV screen lowered down until it was inches from my face.

Well Kron, I think this torture is one of your greatest to date.

Thank you your majesty.

A stroke of genius Kron. Who could possibly survive 600 episodes of Crossroads?

What? Oh, no...

Turn the switch Kron.

[THEME TUNE MUSIC]

Ooh, noo...

I screamed and squirmed and writhed while they left me to die at the hands of Amy Turtle. Episode after hideous episode of this torture infiltrated my brain.

I recognised the first signs of madness. After the 9th episode, I was actually beginning to enjoy it.

Well Kron, according to the scrotoscope his brain is on the verge of turning to jelly.

Might I suggest that he send the remains back to Earth as a warning your majesty?

What an excellent idea Kron. Prepare an auto-drive Galactopod for the journey.

Yes your supreme fabulousness.

I'm tired now Kron. I'll be in the laser room if you need me.

The laser room your majesty?

Yes, I'm going to blow up a few passing planets.

Oh good idea.

By this time my brain was actually making an escape attempt out of my left ear. Suddenly I heard a blast of Phron ray. A large black hole appeared in the cell wall and I heard a voice I recognised.

Captain Kremmen are you in there?

Carla is that you?

Captain, I've got Gonad with me.

Hi captain.

Gonad...how did you two get in here?

There's no time to explain now, captain. I'm gonna have to aim my Phron gun at those bolts holding your head to the floor, so brace yourself.

Right.

Here goes.

Aargh!

Oh my god I missed.

Well, what's gonna happen next? Crushed by one of his own men, driven nuts by the Krells. Listen in to Crushed Nuts on this radio set.

Hi earthlings. Wow, under the strain of the Krell torture, I felt my brain trying to affect an escape out of my left ear.

Suddenly I heard a blast of from Phron ray. A large black hole appeared in the cell wall and I heard a voice I recognised.

Captain Kremmen are you in there?

Carla is that you?

Captain, I've got Gonad with me.

Hi captain.

Gonad...how did you two get in here?

There's no time to explain now captain. I'm gonna have to aim my Phron gun at those bolts holding your head to the floor, so brace yourself.

Right.

Here goes.

Aargh.

Oh my god Carla, I've hit him. Are you alright captain?

Oh you lunatic.

What?

You ruined my suit.

Captain.

You know how much I paid for this space suit in Bond Street?

Captain.

They don't make them like this any more, look, you you melted my gold braid man.

Captain, we better go, those Krell guards would have heard your scream.

As we ran from the torture chamber, I tore off the ruined gold braid. The blast had also melted my OBE which had merged into my George Cross and run all over my order of the garter.

How do you think the Queen's gonna feel when I go back and ask for a new set?

Oh don't worry captain, the ship's being held at the end of this corridor in the storage bay.

Yeah.

If we can kill all the guards.

Yeah.

Find out how to work their computer.

Yeah.

Blast a 50 yard hole in their 10 inch thick lead doors.

Yeah.

We'll be out of here in no time.

Carla.

Yes captain?

We have no weapons.

But I...

You're a delicate female woman.

I...

And Gonads an idiot. There's no way out.

Ha ha ha, well captain, at last you have come to your senses.

You're right Queen Iris.

What?

It's hopeless, I was a fool to think I could outwit the Krells.

Captain!

Well, your humility is to your credit. I have long thought we could be of help to each other.

No.

Come to my throne room, I have plans for you.

Yes your majesty.

Krem you can't do it.

What?

She's an evil old queen.

Get lost Carla.

No, no...

This is the start of a new Captain Kremmen - I'm going to join the Krells.

Wow, is captain Kremmen and traitor? What is the fate of Carla and Gonad? Is Crossroads to blame for this? Tune in to episode 8 next week on this radio set and hear the result in stereo.

Hi gang. Phew! In all my history as a space captain and champion of the free, I've never been so trapped. Godzillions of miles from Earth, we've been captured by Iris, the hideous queen of the Krells in her ship. I've been tortured to within one thousandth of the breadth of a gnats tit away from death. However, my trusty friends, Carla and Gonad, had rescued me.

Captain we better go, those Krell gods would have heard your screams.

As we ran from the torture chamber, I tore off the ruined gold braid. The blast had also melted my OBE which had merged into my George Cross and run all over my order of the garter.

How do you think the Queen's gonna feel when I go back and ask for a new set?

Oh don't worry captain, the ship's being held at the end of this corridor in the storage bay.

Yeah.

If we can kill all the guards.

Yeah.

Find out how to work their computer.

Yeah.

Blast a 50 yard hole in their 10 inch thick lead doors.

Yeah.

We'll be out of here in no time.

Carla.

Yes captain?

We have no weapons.

But I...

You're a delicate female woman.

I...

And Gonads an idiot, there's no way out.

Ha ha ha, well captain, at last you have come to your senses.

You're right Queen Iris.

What?

It's hopeless, I was a fool to think I could outwit the Krells.

Captain!

Well, I have long thought we could have help to each other.

No.

Come to my throne room, I have plans for you.

Yes, your majesty.

Krem you can't do it.

What?

She's an evil old queen.

Get lost Carla.

No, no...

This is the start of a new captain Kremmen, I'm going to join the Krells.

As I shouted my proclamation, two Krell guards arrived in a Krell mobile to whisk me away. I turned to kiss Carla goodbye and instead whispered in her ear.

[WHISPER] The secret to Iris' power.

Yes captain.

[WHISPER] Is the magic bra she wears.

Magic bra?

[WHISPER] Somehow I'll get it without her noticing, and then...

Look out captain the guards.

Follow us.

Say, what's it like being a Krell guard?

We are not programmed for conversation.

Oh I see.

So do not talk to us.

Right.

Because we're not programmed for it.

Yeah okay.

We're just robots.

Fine.

So cool it.

Okay.

I was bundled into the Krell Mobile and soon we shot off of a Krell tube. We arrived at Queen Iris' throne room in time to see her eating.

Ah Captain, do come in, I'm just having a little snack.

I noticed that the thing she was eating was still alive.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Stay still will you.

What is that your majesty?

What?

That.

Oh this, it's a Martian. They're only little creatures, but they're very delicious.

Oh, please don't eat me. Don't eat me.

Silence or I'll put mustard on you.

You eat like a pig, your majesty.

Oh thank you captain, now, about our alliance.

An alliance with this animal? What could be more horrible than that? Can Kremmen grab the royal bra from the bosom of the beast fiend? Tune into your friendly space station next week, same time.

Hi kids. Well, with a mixture of lying, deceit, cunning, snivelling, and grovelling, I'd actually managed to make Queen Iris believe I was serious about joining forces with her and the Krells. We spoke in her private dining room, and I remarked that the thing she was eating appeared to be alive.

Stay still will you.

What is that your majesty?

What?

That?

Oh this, it's a Martian, they're only little creatures but they're very delicious.

Oh, please don't eat me. Don't eat me.

Silence or I'll put mustard on you.

You eat like a pig your majesty.

Oh thank you captain. Now, about our alliance.

She finished off the Martian and opened a map of the universe.

Now captain, what would you like in exchange for your help in conquering the parts of the universe that we the Krells do not already own?

I wracked my brain. If I asked for mercy for earth, she'd twig immediately that I was not really in league with her.

Well your majesty, as a personal favour, I'll take planet Gocto 9.

Gocto 9?

Yeah.

I believe they have an all female population.

Yeah.

Very tiring for you captain.

Well, I'll die with a smile on my face.

She poked her spiky green finger at the push button telephone, and rustled out a number.

May I help you?

Yes this is Queen Iris here, get me the number for Planet Takeovers.

Alright, thank you. 531212.

Thank you.

Hello is that Planet Takeovers? I'd like to book Gocto 9 please.

Since the Krells first invaded Earth in 1982, our scientists discovered that the secret to the Queen's power was a small nuclear generator that she secreted about her person.

How are we fixed for Gocto 9, is it available?

This gave her the power to live far beyond her years. She was already 207 and showed no visible signs of ageing thanks to the nuclear cell hidden inside the Royal Bra.

I snook up behind her and made a grab for the clasp.

Oh, too late.

Oh Captain Kremmen.

I-I-

You naughty spaceman you.

I can explain.

I didn't know you found me physically attractive.

I heaved.

Which one of my heads do you like the most?

But I-I-

Or is it my three lips that attracted you?

I was only going to...

I know what, it's my veins.

Veins?

You fell for my veins.

Oh my god!

They are rather nice aren't they.

I-I-

Would you like to round your fingers through them?

Oh.

Or shall we...shall we go the whole hog?

The whole hog?

She grabbed me and dragged me to the royal bed chamber.

Oh jabers, could this be sex wearing its ugly heads? Tune into next week's thrilling episode of the sexy, silly stereo space serial on the channel that's in tune with the strings of your vest.

Phew! Hi kids, what a scene. Here I am trapped in the Queen of the Krells private bed chamber. Well how was I to know that like all other women in the known universe, Queen Iris, leader of the most evil race ever, would fancy me gutless. Ha ha. Come and join me in her boudoir and we'll polish off episode 10 together.

Captain.

Yes?

Is it true what they all say about your physique?

Well, yes it is frankly.

Can you really crush tin cans with your eyelids?

Sure watch.

I pulled out a tin of LiquiColour, swigged the contents, and buckled it into nothingness with a flick of my left eyelid.

Well, if you can do that with your eyelids, what do you do with the rest of you?

Hey cool it your majesty.

We gotta take up our clothes first.

Oh, goody, goody.

She trolled over to the royal screens, went behind, and began to peel. Clothe after clothe flew over the top of screen, but there was only one garment I was interested in, the Royal Bra. Without this, with its built in nuclear driven life support system, she would be powerless. At last I heard the bra go. This was the chance I've been waiting for. I reached up and gently took it. Sure enough there inside the steaming left cup was the nuclear pod. I carefully removed it and was just about to creep out when...

Oh scroton.

She came from behind the screen.

Hello? Oh Kron it's you, what's the matter? Well, do something about it, don't bother me now.

What was that? What?

Oh, it was your two friends, they've escaped.

What?

Yes, they're heading towards the ship, but the whole thing's behind ten foot thick lead doors so they can't get in. And now kiss me captain.

One of her lips came out on a stalk.

Listen lady put that thing away.

Lady, I'm a queen.

Not any more, see this?

Ugh!

I showed her the nuclear pod.

One false move and I'll crush it.

I have spares in the technical bay.

It's at least 10 minutes away. According to my calculations you've got 6 minutes to live.

I then ripped her communitron off the wall so she couldn't call for help.

You'll never get away with this Kremmen, we Krells are invincible, do you here, invin...

It worked, her power was draining. Without the pod she was a dead Krell.

Okay Iris this is it, free our ship or its curtains.

Meanwhile, Carla and Gonad were dashing to the rocket bay where our ship was being held.

Hurry up Carla, once the queen dies this place will go up like a bomb.

Oh, whys that?

Because ... E = mc².

Oh of course I should have known.

Come on, it's just around here.

Meanwhile back in the royal bed chamber, what a scene. The queen, was turning green.

You realise that if I die this whole place will go up like a bomb?

I know E = mc².

Does it?

Well I've always found it does.

Oh.

You know you could save yourself from death by opening the bay doors and letting us go.

Captain.

What?

There are worse things than death.

Like what?

A week in Poland. Urgh.

She started gurgling.

[GURGLING NOISES]

And one of her left eyes fell out. It was then I decided to get out quick. I jumped into a communicar and sped to the bay area.

As I zoned in I saw Carla and Gonad making a futile attempt to blow a hole in the lead door with a Zilch ray.

Oh captain thank God you've arrived, we're running out of Zilch.

Stand back Carla, I'm gonna make a hole in this lead door with the hardest substance known to man.

What's that?

My head.

Oh.

Stand back.

There it was in all its glory, the Troll One. We revived the crew, programmed the computer for take-off, and took off.

Captain look, the bay doors, they're melting.

Good, that'll make for an easy exit. Come on let's get the hell out of here, give us warp 375.

As the ship gathered up speed and we squelched out of the front of the eye, we looked back to see the whole eyeball contorted in a twisted melting mass. Krell guards trying to escape were trapped in the gooey mess, then suddenly it happened.

You know captain.

What?

I kinda feel sorry for queen Iris.

Don't worry Carla, the Krells will make another.

You mean...

Yes, she was a robot.

Does that mean we'll never be rid of them?

No, it just means that I and people like I can never rest until the Krell menace is erased from the universe forever, and peace is restored to our troubled cosmos.

Captain you're wonderful.

I know.