Series #1 Transcript: Captain Kremmen and the Krells

Hi, I first discovered I had superpowers when I was at school. One day, a bully who used to terrorise all the kids in my class picked on me.

Hey, Kremmen.

What?

Come over here. I wanna kick sand in your face.

I instantly took him by the arms and tied a knot in his throat. He tried to apologise.

I'm sorry.

[garbled noise]

Unfortunately, I mistook this garbled cry of agony as an insult and proceeded to swing him around my head by his ears.

Okay bully, you give in?

Aargh.

So you won't give in.

The kids gasped in amazement as I took his left leg in one hand, his right leg in the other, and with superhuman strength, proceeded to pull them apart. He gurgled in agony.

The headmaster was furious.

Kremmen, you just can't go around dissecting young boys, it's bad for the school image.

It was then I decided to put my superhuman-ness to good use. When I grew up, I thought, I wanna be a space captain zapping around the universe, going where no hand has ever set foot, righting wrongs and restoring peace to our troubled solar system.

[MUSIC: Land of Hope and Glory]

Little did I know that out there in the blackness of space, the Krells were waiting.

Tune in on this channel when all hell breaks loose in Captain Kremmen and the Krell People, episode 2: Twilight of the Krells.

Hi, listeners, remember how I came by my superpowers? How I had muscles of steel, skin like cast iron, legs like a gazelle, and thighs like tugboats? And how when baddies crossed me, I tore them limb from limb. And how I dedicated my life to zapping through space righting wrongs. Well, now I was headed out there on my first mission armed with my trusty spaceship, Troll One, and my crew of beautiful athletic tanned assistants.

Captain Kremmen.

What is it, Carla?

I'm getting signals from vector 9.

Come here, Carla.

But captain, I...

Those lips. That sexy space costume.

[KISSING]

We didn't get too much done that day.

However, when I retired to my Sleep-a-Tron snooze cabinet and hung myself up for the night, I had a strange feeling deep in the bowels of my heart that all was not well.

Captain, captain, come quick.

What, what's happened? What's happened?

Something horrible's happened on the 4th level.

Well, tell me man. Tell me.

McKernie's stomach just exploded.

Oh my god.

Oh, it's horrible, there's blech all over the place.

Quick, come with me.

We made our way to the 4th level in my MK VII Communicart. And on the way, you received a call from the bridge.

Hello?

Captain, captain Kremmen.

Yep

This is Carla. Help. Come quick.

What's the matter, Carla?

Laszlo Reznik's stomach. It just exploded.

Oh my god.

I don't think I could stand any more....oh my god! There goes another one.

Stay there Carla. Don't move. We're on our way.

What is the strange evil force that is bringing the crew of the Troll One to its knees? What is it out there in the far reaches of space that can turn a spaceman's stomach into a lethal explosive charge? Don't fail to hear part 3 of Kremlin and the Krells on this radio set.

Hi, gang. Remember while zooming through space looking for new worlds to conquer and setting the hand of man where no foot had feared to tread, I received a panic stricken call.

Captain. Captain. Come quick.

What what's happened? What's happened?

Something horrible's happened on the 4th level.

Well, tell me, man. Tell me.

McCurney's stomach just exploded.

Oh my god.

Oh, it's horrible, there's blech all over the place.

Quick, come with me.

We made our way to the 4th level in my Spronzy MK VII Communicart.

When I arrived on the bridge, the sight that gritted me will stay in my memory bank forever. Stomachs everywhere. There wasn't an inch of the control room that didn't have some blech or gut, or...excuse me. There wasn't an inch of control room where something unfortunate had not happened. I suddenly caught sight of Carla cowering behind a computer.

Woo-hoo.

Carla.

Oh my god.

Carla, how are you?

Oh my god, you've arrived, captain. Oh, it's been just terrible. Stomach's exploding everywhere.

I know. I know. But how are you?

Oh, I'm alright. A little nervous dyspepsia perhaps, but there's a lot of them capped it, captain.

Huh?

A copped it, captain.

I thought the situation was pretty important, so I called an instant board meeting.

Men, I've called this meeting because I think it's pretty important we find out what's going on here.

Yes, sir.

I've decided to run a check, see what happened. Are the anti Phron shields in operation?

Yes, sir.

Maybe there's a fault in the maxi thrust generators?

We've checked them, sir.

Well, it can't be the canteen bread pudding again?

No, sir, there's only the average amount of deaths from that this week.

Yes, that's what I thought. Well, we've ruled out the chance of it being something from here inside the spaceship. What about out there in the vast reaches of the cosmos? Grelbman, you're an expert in cosmic phenomenon?

Yes, captain.

Do you think it's something out there?

Well, I can...

Do you think it's some horrible evil force that wants to destroy us?

In my opinion...

Do you think it's some unutterable hellish fiend?

I...

Some intergalactic cosmic think?

Captain, there's something you have not yet thought about.

What's that Grelbman?

It could be the Krells.

Oh, don't be silly.

Why not? The serial is called captain Kremmen in the Krells.

Hmm, you got a point there.

Yeah.

Hi, kids. My team of top flight scientists and me, mostly me, managed to track down the heinous thing that was causing havoc with the crew members' innards.

Captain.

Yes, Grelbman, what is it?

Do you remember way back in 1992?

Wow, all those years ago, yes, why?

Do you remember that year was the year that Earth was attacked by that strange race of creatures from outer space who call themselves the Krell?

Yes, I remember. How could I ever forget the evil gits with their 9 heads, 5 arms, 7 nostrils, and 57 feet on each of their 12 legs?

Well, captain, do you remember how they attacked and completely flattened Finchley?

Yes, and it was nine months before anyone noticed.

Well captain, it looks like the rays that are affecting the crew are coming from the same region.

What, Finchley?

No, outer space.

Oh, I see.

I could see that this was the time for action. I video phoned back to Earth for permission to deal with the enemy.

Ah, crew member Jackson.

Yes, sir?

You got any, change for the telephone?

Why, sure, sir.

Ah, gee. Thanks.

Engaged? What are they doing down there?

Captain Kremmen.

Yes Flemstein?

We just had news from Earth.

Mm-hmm.

They're being attacked by a thing that goes...

Don't worry, Flemstein, it's only after Birmingham.

But, sir, you mean the thing that goes...it's only after Birmingham?

That's right. And once it's tasted Birmingham, it'll leave the rest of the planet alone.

Captain Kremmen.

Yes. What is it, Groulcher?

Mars on the phone.

Mars on the phone?

Yes, sir.

Here, give it to me. Hello ma, how are you?

Oh I'm fine, how are you?

Yeah I'm keeping well.

Are you looking after yourself?

Hi gang. Well, it's been another one of those weeks again.

On Monday we received a video phone message from Earth to say that the thing that goes...had eaten Birmingham and was now heading south on the A34 towards London. On Tuesday, another burst from the Krell ray weakened our resistor shields and made our stomachs go...

On Wednesday, most of the crew went down with a weird new disease that makes everyone jump on top of each other and do intimate disgusting things. I had no alternative.

Ah men, get back to your posts, men.

Get lost.

On Thursday, a strange thought entered my head. "Give up", it said, but captains are made of sterner stuff, folks. I sent for the union leader of the crew, Henrik Grilbstein.

Okay, Grilbstein. I'm firing most of the crew.

But captain you can't do that.

No? Just watch me.

But captain you need us to help you forge across the barriers of space in your, continual search for...

Continual search for civilizations. I know, I know, but I will not tolerate insubordination from the crew.

Well what do you intend to do captain?

For the next six weeks Grilbstein, you and your men are on a strict diet of bread and water pills.

What? You realise what this means?

No.

This means a walk out.

Don't be a silly creep, you silly creep, there's nowhere out there to walk to. You'll get lost.

No captain, you'll get lost.

What!

Captain's log, star date 59036/99682-220/9864'9. Crew under great stress.

After learning on the video phone from Earth that an alien blob is marching on London. Latest news in confirms the creature is schlepping down the A34 at 40 miles an hour, consuming all in its path, eating cars by the hundred, and stopping only to spit out the odd Cortina. Crew under even greater stress after learning that a Krell invasion is drawing near. Finally, nerves snapped on board the Troll One when Henrik Grilbstein, the men's union leader and confirmed Pinko, organised a mutiny and threw me off the ship. But I forgave him, because space captains are like that.

Well, I've been floating here in space alone, billions of miles from the nearest star, for nine hours now. Oxygen low, general life support systems draining fast. First signs of madness are beginning to show. I'm starting to talk to myself, aren't I? Yes. Yeah. And it's really bugging me. I know how you feel.

As I floated around in space listening to myself talking to myself, I suddenly had a feeling that I was not alone.

My God. It's a Krell ship.

Yes, there it was. A sight that truly boggled my eyes. Nine miles long, three miles wide, a Krell death ship heading straight for me...Phew, that was close. It was then I heard it.

Kremmen, you have been forsaken by your comrades, join us in our invasion. You could help us to conquer Earth. We will reward you well. Enough Kronak Anti Zilch cream to last a lifetime and a free choice of any Krell woman you desire.

But they've all got seven heads.

They have seven of everything.

Mm-hmm.

It was an agonizing decision, but I guess the only way to disrupt their mission was to pretend to be one of them. "I'll do it", I shouted. Only one thing bothered me. How do you mix around with people who wear their organs on the outside?

Hi, gang! Well, it looks as if the Krells swallowed my story about joining them in their plan to destroy Earth. Little do they suspect that beneath this handsome, chiselled exterior lies a handsome, chiselled brain. I stood on the bridge of the Krell death ship, watching them go about their duties.

Zorl, the commander in chief, was speaking to his female assistant, whose beauty was only marred by the fact that she kept scratching her back, with her foot.

Commander Zorl.

What is it?

I have the planet Earth on the scanner.

Good, let us see it.

I stood terror stricken as I watched their computers zoom into action and magnify the planet Earth into view.

Captain Kremmen.

What?

I have a little surprise for you. Months before we decided to attack your planet, we sent a probe down to investigate. Unfortunately, your atmosphere drove it wild and we lost control.

You mean that horrible blob?

Yes captain, it's a Krell pet. Normally, they're quite small, but Earth's atmosphere is having a remarkable effect on its size.

At last, I knew the truth, the bitter flucky truth. The thing that goes [...] is one of theirs. My stomach freaked as he prodded a control with one of his spiky green fingers.

Now Captain Kremmen, let us tune into one of your Earth wireless stations to see how they're coping with their crisis.

This is Robin Huster. The thing that goes...has now reached London. It's on the Westway which is groaning under the weight. Women and children are being evacuated. The streets are crawling with panic stricken people. The thing is vomiting over Marylebone High Street. On the scene there is Trisha Ingrams in the radio car. Hello, Trisha? ... Ah, excuse me ... Yes? Ugh! ... I'm told..ahem. I'm told that, Trisha Ingrams has been eaten by the thing. Err, we'll get another reporter down there as soon as possible. Anything else which comes up, we'll bring it to you.

Could it be true, a Krell monster eating the heart out of London town?

Commander Zorl.

Yes Pukestein, what is it?

Earth is within range.

Good, line up the Krell disintegrator ray.

Yes sir.

Kremmen?

What is it, beast fiend?

I shall now observe one of your quaint earth customs. As your guest on my ship, you may have the first devastating shot.

What? Me fire on my own planet? You're crazy, I'll never do it!

Hi, gong. Will, it's Boona nither of those wooks...I, I can't read this stuff.

Well, ad lib.

Okay. Hi, gang. Well, at last, my cool nerve has snapped. What with that un speakable dripping thing ravaging London and Krell guards pointing Kronak Agony Spray at my heart, forcing me to pull the trigger that would send the first devastating blast of Phron Rays down to Earth.

Commander Zorl.

Yes.

We are getting dangerously close to Earth. If we do not pull the trigger soon, we will land in the blast we created.

Very well. Pull that trigger, Kremmen.

Pull your own trigger, creep

Guard.

Yes commander.

Give him a blast of Kronak Agony Spray.

I obey.

It'll never work Zorl, I can't destroy my own planet. You'll never understand this, being beast fiend incarnate. But we Earth people, despite our seeming inability to exist together in harmony, share a common desire to live in freedom and liberty, to bring up our children in an atmosphere of love and understanding, to fight for what is right, to carry the banner of peace and brotherhood across the stormy waters to the horizon of hope. That is why I cannot fire.

Very well Kremmen. Guard, shoot.

Urgh! I'll do it! As my finger curled around the trigger of death, I prayed to God - and from out here in space, it's only a local call - I squeezed the trigger. A giant rumbling sound, a throbbing of machinery, and suddenly...a blast of liquid Phron, the most deadly substance ever known, shot its way across the short distance from the ship to planet Earth.

Hi, kids. Kremmen here. Well, at last, this was it. Those filthy beast fiends, the Krells, had forced me to blast planet Earth with liquid Phron. The deadly ray shot its way down into the heart of London.

Well, Kremmen, a good shot. 9,000,000 people crammed into a few square miles. Ha ha ha.

Little did he know that although I'd aimed the Phron Ray into the center of London, it would kill no one. For I had aimed it at the only place in the crowded city where I knew that no one would be, Center Point. It toppled like a pack of cards.

Meanwhile, the thing that goes...had marched on Westminster and set itself up as the government. People were powerless to stop it. Already it had assumed control and was delivering its first orders to the quivering members of the house.

[incomprehensible spluttering]

Yeah, yeah.

I just couldn't stand by and let Britain be ruled by this thing. Harold was bad enough, but a forty ton heap of purple jelly. Never. I swung the Krell Phron gun around, took aim, and delivered a salvo straight into the center of the thing...

Suddenly, I knew the thing that had it, for from under a pile of rubble I heard...

I—give—up.

The nation went wild. The queen demanded an audience with me. The next day the Krells surrendered and I drove to the palace.

And on this great day, her majesty is walking slowly towards the podium to deliver this announcement, wearing a beautiful gown made entirely of lettuce and cucumber with hand embroidered shrimps.

And on this grand occasion, of course she's wearing these state vegetables. That's the sash of the granddaughter of beef and tomato, set off beautifully by the tiara, which I'm told is fashioned entirely out of prawn and celery squares on a background of ham and onion, crowned with a magnificent roast shoulder of pork. She pauses gracefully to dab a little HP behind each ear and mounts the podium.

For valour above and beyond the call of duty, and for bravery in face of Krells, I name you Sir Captain Kremmen.

A lump came to my throat, and a searing shaft of pain hit my body as she pinned the metal to my chest. Well, my job here was done. I was given a fresh ship, a fresh crew, and a fresh set of underwear, and was off again once more into space, searching new adventures. Join me again soon, and we'll discover the cosmos together.