Series #12 Transcript: The Greatest Adventure Yet From Captain Kremmen

And now ladies and gentlemen, I'll bring a little bit of space serial that's full of fabulous digital sound effects.

The greatest story in the universe.

Kremmen of the Star Corps.

On this wonderful LP folks, you'll hear the following fabulous stars, Oliver Sutton, Lord Elpus, Andover Fist, Charlie Sangels, Bernie Housedown, Gerry Atric, Road Aboat, Sir Ayersley Thoughfolks, Matt O'Horn, Gordon Heaven, and Claude Youreyesout.

Here's Kremmen.

Hurrah!

Thank you friends, thank you, thank you, thank you. Well kids here we are with a fab new adventure.

Yeah he's right folks.

Hey captain.

What is it?

Do I get any big parts in this show?

Carla your parts are too big already.

Hey folks, before we go any further let me show you around my latest research and development lab down here through this door.

Captain what are you thinking about?

Me of course.

Ah here we are.

Oh hi doctor Gitfinger.

Ah hello captain, it's really great to see you.

Still falling down on your R's I hear.

Ja, that is right.

Hey captain.

Mm-hmm.

What's this over here?

Oh that, that's an invention I'm particularly proud of Carla. I invented it in one of my quiet moments between saving a distant planet from the grasp of an evil alien and freeing a race of oppressed 15 footed midgets from a giant verruca.

As you know folks, I'm never very far away from a fabulous new adventure, and it starts right here at this door sound effect.

Captain!

Mm-hmm.

I have just run all the way from the launch pad.

Uh-huh.

And the lads down there say that your rocket ship is ready for take-off.

Oh good, have they filled her up?

Oh yes, but they only had 2-star.

Oh you idiot Gitfinger, you know what happens when you fill a rocket ship with 2-star?

No?

You don't get the free glasses.

We shot over to the rocket bay.

Golly gee you know Carla, it's been so long since I used this ship.

Mm-hmm, I know, it's such an old model the X-104. I mean look at this, a stained glass porthole.

That's nothing, you know this ship's got an outside loo don't you?

We made ready for take-off.

I've polished all the portholes and I think we're ready for take-off now.

You know you look terrific.

Oh thank you captain.

Tell me something, are you inside that dress trying to get out or outside trying to get in?

Well, here we go again doc, I wonder what's out there.

Oh, it's probably the same old assortment of planets and asteroids.

Hey Carla, look on the scanner, it's Uranus.

Captain, you're so bold.

Captain, I just received this communique from planet Earth. It says, "don't forget, when you reach Vector 9, to map a course 678.9% to the left, and when you reach Vector 10, turn 6 megahertz right and execute a 300 degree turn, whilst plotting a 5 million litre double overhead underhang."

Phew doc, that's a lot to remember.

Yeah.

And I thought this was gonna be an easy trip.

You know Carla.

Mm-hmm

I find my duties so exhausting, last night I couldn't stay awake for a second.

Hmm, you couldn't even stay awake for a first.

Later on that day Carla and I were in the ship's mess swapping space jokes over a plate of nuclear fish and chips and galactic ghoulish, when suddenly the alarm went...

Quick everybody, up to the bridge.

Once on the bridge I raced to the controls.

Hey Carla, look.

What?

Here on the scanner, it's a horrible thing.

It's not the scanner captain it's a mirror.

Oh. Have you ever noticed how mirrors steam up when you kiss them?

Suddenly there was a sinister rumbling. I cursed the galactic goulash. It cursed me back.

Suddenly I realised it wasn't me, that last revolting reverberation had come from outside the ship.

I think we better go and investigate captain.

I think you're right.

We donned our space suits and went into the airlock.

Oh by the way Carla, how's your family back home?

Oh I meant to tell you. You remember my sister, the one with the big feet?

Uh-huh.

She got a job in Canada, stamping out forest fires.

Oh, terrific.

We passed through the airlock, pausing only for a quick sauna. When we were outside the ship, suddenly there it was, a huge object, pulsating and dripping and green with, with tentacles and hairy lumpy bits.

Oh captain it's just too horrible.

It certainly is and it takes a certain kind of courage to go near a thing like that Carla. A kind of courage over and above what any man could reasonably be called upon to summon from the very heart of his being.

But, but you have that courage captain.

No.

We sped back into the airlock, pausing only to buy a paper from Joe on the corner. The headline screamed at me.

I decided the best thing to do was to zip back to Earth and tell the president.

Let's go back to Earth and tell the president Carla.

Okay.

Oh by the way captain.

Mm-hmm.

Why do all the guys in the crew call me Martini?

Simple Carla.

[SINGING] "Anytime, any place, anywhere."

Hello captain, have you any orders for me?

Yes doc, back to earth.

Right.

The ship neatly executed our reverse thrust, and seconds later, we were back on Earth.

We entered the president's plush Oval Office and told him the horrible news about the blob. He keeled over.

Aargh!

My God fainted.

Yeah. Give him artificial respiration. Now wait a minute this is serious, give him the real thing.

It was then I realised something wasn't quite right. How come the president's eyeballs were both on the same side of his nose? Why had his legs just walked out of the room? Is it true what they say about Dixie? Does your chewing gum lose its flavour on the bed post overnight?

I mentioned the magic word, "nymphomania", and suddenly, the president recovered.

I just can't believe it Kremmen.

I know, but it's true sir.

Yeah, it's as true as I'm both standing here.

Okay, I'll call in my secretary of state.

Now what was his name? It used to be Henry Kissinger. Now is it Jaime Schwartz or Philly Buster or...

I don't know, I wonder who's kissing her now. Ha ha ha.

Damn it Kremmen this is no time for songs.

Yeah captain we gotta do something big quick.

Wait a minute.

What?

Let's do what we always do in the movies, when faced with an alien monster.

What's that?

Let's blast it to bits.

But do we have anything big and powerful enough?

It was at that moment that the president let me into a state secret.

Our scientists are working on a totally new device Kremmen.

Really?

It's a nuclear powered, self launching, photon assisted, digital, intercontinental ballistic missile, that seeks out its target even in the dead of night with its own computerised radar unit.

Gee that sounds great.

There's only one snag.

What's that?

This morning the elastic broke.

However, I do have a reserve plan, I call it B. I call it B because it's a real stinger.

Oh my god.

Well what's your plan chief?

I can't tell you now Kremmen, walls have ears.

Well I guess it makes a change from Regency Stripes.

Listen Kremmen, and listen good.

What?

Meet me in Tibet in 7 minutes.

Uh-huh.

Disguise yourself as a llama. I'll come as a camel.

What will this achieve?

Well, could be a lot of fun.

Oh, aha, excuse me Kremmen.

Sure sir.

Hello?

Gee.

What's that?

I hope this all turns out alright.

Oh, of course it will my little bean sprout.

I don't know, I'm kinda worried.

Carla.

What?

Let's get something straight between us.

What here?

Having secured a promise of any military assistance we might need from the president, we bade him farewell.

Well, good luck Kremmen.

Oh thank you sir.

Oh by the way, a little question before you go.

Yes what's that?

Well, how come you always manage to look so healthy and tanned?

Oh in between assignments sir I leave town and relax at my club.

Really?

Yes, I'm a country member.

Okay, I'll remember.

I drove Carla to my penthouse pad for a little nookie before we took off to face the thing.

Want a little drinky poo Carla?

Let me ask you a question first. Is this mission gonna be dangerous?

It'll probably be the most dangerous mission we've ever faced.

Okay, I'll have a triple Brandy, three Mandrax, two shots of Whiskey, and a Maketon.

It was a long flight out into space to where the blob was, so I put Carla to bed.

Well, good night my little petal pie.

Good night captain.

Oh by the way, wake me as soon as we get to the blob. Good night.

As I walked back to the bridge to see Doc, I couldn't help thinking what a brick Carla had been, sticking with me through all the dangerous adventures. I remember she gave up a nice safe secure job to come with me. She used to make men's trousers, mind you, she still likes to keep her hand in.

I walked over to our new computer and pushed a few buttons.

Hi computer.

Hi captain.

This is the first time I've used you isn't it?

Yes captain.

Ah.

I am the Yamasaki 4 stroke 509.

Oh hi captain.

Hi.

I couldn't sleep, what you doing?

I'm just chatting to the new computer.

Oh, hi computer.

Hi Carla.

You know this computer is so advanced, so clever and fantastic, it'll do half our work.

Oh, well why didn't you get two?

Captain.

What?

We are coming within range of the blob, which has grown to twice its normal size and is looking at us with a hungry expression.

Oh my god, there's only one thing to do captain.

What's that?

Pray?

I'm no good at praying, I got two left knees.

I summoned my chief engineer to the bridge to look at it through the porthole.

Well Thrinman, what do you think of that?

Uh, well I'll be a ****, it's so **** and those sticky brown entrails look just like ****!

His language was so disgusting. I'd never used language like that in my whole mouth.

Doc, what do you think we should do?

I don't know captain, there's no precedent for this situation.

The ship lurched as the blob let out a long, low, disgusting moan.

[MOAN]

Hello, bridge to armoury.

Armoury here.

Who am I speaking to?

Tyrone.

Tyrone who?

Tyrone Shoelaces.

Oh hi Ty.

Hi.

Are all the bombs prime?

Sure thing.

Great. Stand by the fire.

Well captain, the moment of truth has at last arrived.

She's right captain, the moment that separates the men from those other ones.

Are you sure you can manage captain?

Carla, I may only have the heart and lungs of a forty year old man, but I have the liver and onions of a transport cafe.

What's up computer?

Emergency. Emergency.

What kind?

Captain.

Yeah?

The blob has just thrown a tractor beam around the ship.

Captain.

What?

I've been thinking.

Well it had to happen sooner or later.

Captain, I, I think the blob wants to eat us.

She might be right captain, it has begun to drag us towards itself.

Uh-oh.

Gitfinger?

Yes captain?

Fire the retro rockets.

Okay, you got a match?

It was far too late anyway. The force beam in which we were trapped in, was far too strong. A terminal look of horror hit the crew. Was this the end? Could this be the dreaded moment when Alan Freeman says:

What will happen next? Tune in tomorrow at the same time and find out.

Suddenly it was tomorrow.

Well captain, this looks like the end.

Sure does Carla.

She threw her arms around me, looked deep into my eyes, and said,

Captain, say I'm lovely.

Okay, I'm lovely.

[CRASH]

We left our battered ship, and went out onto the surface.

Oh, it's all wet and sticky out here, I should never have worn these high heels.

Hmm, I should have left mine behind too.

We tromped onward, ever onward, we tromped. Searching for some clue as to what this strange object was.

Hours later.

Oh gee, I'm so tired.

Me too.

Hey doc?

Yeah.

Did you bring lunch?

Yes I, I brought some dehydrated rum steak with rice, followed by raspberries, raisins and rhubarb.

Terrific, just put the steak down there, and I'll heat it up with my ray gun.

Oh no, it's busted. What we need is a handyman.

Who is it?

Hi there.

Who are you?

I'm Harry the handyman.

Great! Can you fix the motors on the rocket ship?

No.

Can you fix the steering gear?

No.

Can you fix this ray gun?

No.

Well, what makes you think you're so handy?

Well, I only live around the corner.

Before we could point out to him that he was in the wrong sketch, an unearthly rumbling sound was heard.

I'm afraid it was me captain, I'm so hungry.

Well, eat some of this earth.

You're kidding, I wouldn't eat that earth if it was the last earth on earth.

As Carla was chatting I noticed that right behind her in the slime, a trap door was opening.

Through a trapdoor we entered. We wandered through the grimy caverns.

[UPLIFTING MUSIC]

Ah, can we, can we have some grimy music please?

[GRIMY MUSIC]

Thank you.

Through the grimy cavern we wandered, caverns filled with the sound of dripping cave sound effects records.

You know Carla, there's something funny going on.

Well, after twenty episodes it's about time.

Hey doc.

Yes captain?

Hold my helmet and ray gun, I'm going to the loo.

Right...what? You're going to the loo at a time like this?

Uh-huh.

Suppose we all went to the loo, then where would we be?

In the loo I guess.

Suddenly at the other end of the cavern, I heard a mysterious sound.

[GURGLING]

Carla, did you hear that?

Hear what?

Ah, could you do that mysterious sound again please?

[GURGLING]

Oh captain, I'm frightened.

Don't be Carla, I'm going on ahead to investigate.

I strode boldly alone, my footsteps echoing in the eerie darkness. Onward I strode, until I saw a figure standing before me. I struck a match.

Uh, good grief.

He had cod's eyes, a walrus moustache, and was wearing a herringbone suit. I couldn't help thinking he'd make somebody a wonderful aquarium.

Why, hello captain.

Well, if it isn't my old arch enemy Gort, king of Thargoidia.

Yes, and welcome to my ship.

You mean this blob isn't really a blob?

No, it was a neat disguise to tempt you into my trap.

What!

Guards! Take them to the cells.

Doc and I were manhandled by the guards and thrown into a steel chamber.

Oh, oh.

Doc?

What?

Where have they taken Carla?

I don't know.

The beast fiends, you'll never get away with this.

Minutes later, Carla was thrown into our cell.

Oh, oh, oh captain.

Carla, what happened?

I've been graped.

Don't you mean raped?

No, there was a whole bunch of them.

Several days later....

...oh but captain, I can't stand it any longer. I'd rather starve to death than exist on prison food, nothing to eat but bread and water. Just look at the state of this filthy water.

That's the bread.

Never mind Carla, I managed to bring with me a bottle of my very own special home made wine.

Oh.

The guard didn't find it when he searched me.

Home made wine? Is it good?

Sure, I made it with my own two feet.

Oh.

Now, tell me Carla.

What's that captain?

Tell me about those guards who, had their way with you.

Oh it was awful, they gave me the willies.

I got up to have words with the guard.

Hey guard, come here.

Yes, what do you want?

Tell me, are you new around here?

Well, new-ish.

That's funny, you don't look newish.

He was an ugly brute with three cauliflower ears and a broken nose. I knew it was broken because it was running with a limp.

Captain, we just got to escape soon, we've gone without food for a week.

She's right captain, I've had a belly full of starvation.

Yeah, and I'm getting fed up with hunger too.

Ha ha ha.

Well it looks like we've run out of hunger jokes.

Yeah, if only we had a decent script to get our teeth into.

Ha ha ha.

Doc and I went into a huddle to formulate an exciting escape bid. Carla was right, we couldn't stand much more of this deprivation.

Carla?

Yes captain?

Your glass is empty, do you want another one?

What am I gonna do with two empty glasses?

Doc.

Yes captain, I'm right here.

I have an escape plan. If it works, we'll be out of here in no time.

And if it fails?

Well if it fails, Gort will take great delight in tearing us limb from limb.

Oh, is he that nasty?

Nasty? He's so cruel he sprinkles itching powder on fleas.

Okay, here's the plan.

[WHISPERING]

Okay, got it?

Yeah, got it.

Okay Carla, here's what I want you to do.

Yeah what?

Attract the guard's attention.

Uh-huh.

And then say to him, "hey there, want me to do my mind reading act?"

And then hypnotise him?

Exactly.

But you must realise Carla, this is a very dangerous assignment. Will you do it for me?

Oh captain, after all these years of us being together, I'd do anything for you.

Oh Carla.

I took her unto me and gave her one of my Oscar winning kisses.

Carla.

Yeah.

I love you.

I know it sticks out a mile.

At that moment, the huge steel door opened, and in walked the ugly brute.

Here are your food rations for today.

He threw a lump of bread on the floor.

Hey guard.

Yes Earth wench.

You want me to read your mind?

Impossible.

No really, I used to work in a circus. All you gotta do is look deeply into my eyes.

What, like this?

Yeah, deeply, deeply, like you're feeling sleepy, wonderful and sleepy, lovely.

Suddenly the most amazing transformation took place.

His eyes swam, his brain turned to jelly. Suddenly his IQ was reduced to the level of a Radio 1 disc jockey. He fell to the floor in a stupor.

Are you alright Carla?

Oh yeah, mind reading's a speciality of mine. Still it's a shame he wasn't Irish.

Why?

I'd have only charged him half price.

We decided to investigate the ship. We left the basement where the cell was and headed towards Gort's headquarters.

Hey doc.

Ja mein captain?

You haven't got any great new inventions have you? Something that might help us overpower Gort.

I'm afraid not captain, the last thing I invented was a birth pill for men.

Oh really?

Ja. Wouldn't you know, that out of all the 500 men we tested it on.

Mm-hmm.

Not one became pregnant.

Suddenly, we were outside Gort's chamber. We burst in!

Ah Kremmen I see you've escaped at last.

I realised I was face to face with the most evil man in the universe. Gort was so evil, he once forced Dolly Parton to play the accordion.

You know Kremmen, I wasn't always the most evil man in the universe.

No?

I had to start at the bottom.

You mean, the BBC?

Oh no, not as low as that.

Kremmen?

Yes.

In a few moments, we'll be taking off the Thargoidia.

Oh.

Hear that rumbling?

Yeah, but I didn't wanna say anything.

Those are the nuclear engines you fool.

Oh.

Hey doc.

Yes captain?

How long is it gonna take to get to Thargoidia?

Let me see, E = mc² right, plus the square root of 95.8 starovachf, takes away the number your first thought of, I'd say, taking into account adverse trajectory patterns.

Oh, my god, we'll probably have arrived before you worked this out.

Suddenly, I noticed an evil glint in one of Gort's seven eyes.

What are your plans oh evil one?

My mission this time Kremmen, is to start an intergalactic war to end all intergalactic wars. It will be planet against planet, world against world, star against star. No one will survive!

But what if it rains?

Then it'll be held indoors. It's too late to cancel now anyway, tickets were sold out weeks ago.

Gort turned to his computer and set the coordinates for the journey to Thargoidia.

[THARGOID TALKING]

Oh captain?

What?

He really means to go ahead with this madness.

I know, he's so cruel he'd think nothing of kicking a Martian in the chronicles.

Well Kremmen and co., better say your prayers.

Why?

Because to make sure you don't foil my plans, tomorrow you all go to the execution chamber.

Oh drat-a-roo, an execution is just what I don't need right now.

What do you mean?

Well, I just had my hair set.

Oh, what time does it go off?

And so captain, until your execution you are my guest on this ship. You can't escape, so you're free to roam around.

He flicked a switch with one of his spiky green fingers, and the ship went into Mega Drive.

Tell me Gort, if your plan is to destroy the whole universe, what's the point in that?

So I can claim on insurance.

Oh, I see.

Later on in our quarters.

Well Carla, tomorrow we die.

Oh captain.

Uh.

I was just thinking of the first time we ever met.

An unforgettable occasion huh?

I'm so glad you remember it too.

Remember what?

The first time we met?

Oh yeah.

It was so romantic, you put your hand on my knee.

Mm-hmm.

Can you remember what I said?

Heavens above, and it was.

Over in a corner Doc was fiddling with his pocket sized computer.

Well doc, did your computer come up with an answer to our problem?

No, but it filled up twenty seconds of the episode.

Dear listeners, he may seem thick to you but since he invented the rear view mirror he's never looked back.

The ship sped on towards Thargoidia.

Suddenly I had an urge, I went up to one of Gort's guards.

Ah excuse me, could you point me towards the loo?

What, that's the 15th time this episode.

I know, I'm suffering from Darth Vader's revenge.

Well, may the force be with you.

Then over the ship's speakers came the announcement.

Due to a shortcut, we will be landing on Thargoidia in two hours.

Tell me Gort, why did we take a shortcut to Thargoidia?

Because we're travelling in a Hertz Rent-a-Ship, and we've only hired it for the week.

We watched the screen as Thargoidia came into view.

It was an unusual sort of planet.

Golly captain look.

Yeah.

The only square planet in the universe.

I know, it was hand built by robots you know, after the original round planet blew up many years ago.

Gosh, how did that happen?

Well, one day a ship heavily laden with nuclear waste was just taking off.

Someone on the bridge accidentally opened a porthole and blew the pilot out. The ship plunged back to the ground and...

[KABOOM]

Well Kremmen, we'll be landing any minute now, and soon it'll be time for your execution. What would you like for your last meal?

Well, I'd like Brussels sprouts, and I'd like to eat them in Brussels.

Hey Carla, that's a good idea. I'd like Kentucky fried chicken please.

Err, excuse me Gort.

Yes?

But how do you intend to kill us all?

It's quite simple doctor. I'll put headphones on each of you and then play a different Nolan Sisters record in each ear until your brains explode. Ha ha ha.

Well there it was out the porthole through the clouds, the place we were about to die on. Thargoidia: the universe's strangest planet.

It's so strange captain.

I know. Mind you, before I met you, I used to hang out in some strange places.

Really?

Hmm, but I've had the holes in my space suit repaired since then.

Suddenly, before you could say, Taumatawhakatangi, Gort's mighty ship was landing on Thargoidia.

It plunged through a thick cloud layer and hurtled its majestic way towards Gortadia, the capital city of Thargoidia.

Hey Gort.

What is it Earth scum?

Why don't I toss a coin, and if I win, we go free?

Mm-hmm.

But if you win, you can do whatever you want with us.

What is this Earth expression, toss a coin? I can't make head nor tails of it.

No Kremmen, you and your friends will suffer as you've never suffered before.

With jokes like that last one, don't you think we've suffered enough?

Hey captain look, through the porthole.

What?

We're approaching the landing pad.

She was right, in the distance Gortadia gleamed in the green evening sky. Its crystal spheres and glass towers looking like something out of an old Star Trek repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat...

Well captain, welcome to Thargoidia, the tidiest planet in the universe.

Tidy?

Yes, it's so tidy here that yesterday, they arrested a dog for dropping litter.

Speaking of litter, has anyone seen my script?

That was doctor Heinrich von Gitfinger, the genius who actually discovered a cure for wheat germ.

Ah yes, a beautiful landing, if I do say so myself. Well you three, follow me, and no tricks because I'll be right behind you.

Okay Carla, it's time to say your prayers.

I can't, I'm an atheist.

Are you really?

Yeah, but it's not my fault, it's just the way God made me.

In the cell, we immediately decided to conjugal.

Oh captain.

Carla.

Oh.

Oh Carla.

Carla and I made mad passionate love. You know, some women smoke a cigarette before making love, and some women smoke after making love. Carla was the only woman I knew who smoked during.

Ow! Ow!

Oh sorry captain.

For Pete's sake, be careful with that cigar.

Captain.

What?

Are we gonna go into another romantic bit here?

I guess so.

Okay, I'll go put some romantic bit music on.

Ah fine.

You know Carla, I'm sorry to have dragged you into all this mess, my little cosmic cupid. I blame myself.

Oh no captain don't, it's not your fault, it's the script writer.

But I always seem to drag you into impossible scrapes.

Oh captain, I'm no stranger to tragedy.

No?

Worse things than this have happened to me.

Really?

Yeah. Remember, remember when my first husband died?

Oh no, I didn't know he was dead.

Yeah, it was just before a meal. He went out into the garden to get a cabbage and just dropped dead.

Oh no.

Yeah, it was terrible.

What did you do?

I had to open a tin of peas.

Meanwhile, upstairs in Gort's palace, plans were being drawn up for the destruction of the universe, just so Gort could collect on the insurance.

[THARGOID SPEAKING]

And when our first wing of mega bombers start the destruction, I want you to pay special attention to planet Earth.

Which one is that your majesty?

It's the one that looks just like a satellite weather picture.

Back in the cell.

You know captain.

What?

These cell bars are extremely extremely tough.

I know, I've tried them.

It's a shame James Garner isn't here.

Why James Garner?

Well, he'd cuts rows of bars with one of his Rockford Files.

Meanwhile, over in the corner of the cell, Carla was dusting her doobrie ready for the execution.

Now don't worry my space nymph, I'll get us out of this somehow.

You will?

Well of course, courage and daring run right through my family tree. My great grandfather at the age of 79 streaked naked through the Chelsea Flower Show.

Did he get arrested?

No, he won first prize for the best dried arrangement.

Captain.

Yes what is it?

You can obviously take the terrific strain of this sort of damacoccles that's hanging over our heads but, I'm kinda worried about the doc.

She was right, another day in a cell would drive him crazy.

You know Carla, the last time he was in jail, it, it affected his mind so much, he thought he was a spoon.

You mean he went stir crazy?

Suddenly, in swept Gort.

Well Kremmen your time has come, it looks like you're for the chop.

The chop? But I ordered the mushroom omelette, Carla ordered the chop.

Well I must say this is a pretty kettle of fish.

No, Dr Gitfinger ordered the kettle of fish.

Later that day a whole bunch of guards came to collect us.

To the execution chamber.

Moments later we were thrown into a room full of evil instruments of torture.

Hello Kremmen.

It was Gort with Droog, his head executioner, standing there in black leather mask, black leather coat, gloves, trousers, and high heels.

Hey captain.

What is it?

Why don't you...[WHISPERING]

Uh-huh.

[WHISPERING]

Hey, good idea. Listen Gort.

Yes?

If you let us out of this, I'll give you full film rights to this series, plus 15% of all T-shirt sales in the UK.

You'll never bribe your way out of here Kremmen, and don't try these little tricks on my men, they're all hand picked.

Yeah, and so are their noses.

Droog dragged us over to the brain atomiser and strapped us all in.

What do you think they are going to do with us captain?

As I watched, the creature dragged a huge laser gun into position. He clamped one end over our brains and plugged the other into the mains.

I guess he's gonna switch that machine on, bore holes in our heads, and melt our brains. But don't worry, I have a plan.

You got a plan?

Yep.

Oh goody, I knew we could rely on you captain.

She cocked an eye at me, I cocked an eye at her, and there we lay, cock-eyed.

Captain what do we do, quick.

Act nonchalantly Carla, and whatever you do don't look at my feet.

What Gort and Droog couldn't see was my bionic toe unscrewing, and a slim silver probe coming out of the hole.

The probe slowly reached over and snipped through the mains cable.

The room was plunged into darkness.

In the confusion, I breathed in, snapped the straps, undid the others, lit a fag, read the paper, killed guards, and we all made off in one of the quickest escapes in radio history.

Hey captain.

What?

Where are we?

We're in an air duct, they'll never find us here.

I wonder what Gort was thinking when the lights went out.

He probably took a dim view of it.

Seriously captain, what are we gonna do? I mean, they'll have the whole planet surrounded, we'll never get away.

Oh yes we will, look down the ducting, there's a grill leading to outside the palace.

We crawled along the tube to the grill and with all my strength I kicked it down.

Meanwhile back inside, all hell was breaking loose.

Droog you steaming blunderer, Kremmen and all the others have escaped. Aargh! I'll pay a wages bonus to the torturer who catches them.

But tell me oh evil one, how can you pay us a wages bonus if you don't pay us any wages in the first place? We get paid nothing.

Oh, yes, yes, I was forgetting. Alright, I'll double the wages you're getting now. Satisfied?

Double nothing? Okay, but it's got to be backdated.

Backdated! Out of the question. I will not submit to this financial blackmail Droog.

You ungrateful swines, if you don't like working as torturers, why don't you get other jobs?

We've already tried, but our IQs are so low, we could only get work as disc jockeys.

Well captain, here we are at the mighty wall surrounding Gort's Palace.

Hey guys look.

What?

This piece of wall looks a bit lower than the rest, perhaps I could do a bionic leap.

Oh it must be so handy being bionic.

Well, I'm only half bionic really Carla, and being half bionic means that different limbs and organs of mine have different days of birth and therefore different star signs.

Oh.

For instance, my right leg here is Aries.

Yeah.

My left arm is Pisces.

Uh-huh.

My right eye is Leo, and my left leg is Virgo.

Mm-hmm.

What do you say to that?

I think you're talking a load of Taurus.

Suddenly I thought, why am I escaping from this maniac? I foiled his plot, why don't I try and and reason with him? We made our way back to his throne room and confronted him.

Well, you might have foiled the plan this time Kremmen, but I have other plans to destroy you lot.

Oh yeah, such as?

Well, I could attach a giant magnet to the sun, and then every planet and star would be drawn towards it, and then when they get too close, they'd burst into flames.

Oh come on, that's been done twice this week already.

But I paid a fellow good money for that idea.

Yes, it's probably the same guy who sells us the jokes for this show. Did he sell you any other fiendish plans?

Yes, a brilliant diabolic scheme.

Oh?

Listen to this.

Uh-huh.

I walk up to every single individual on Earth and shout, "look out behind you", and then when they turn round, I give them a good hard kick in the shins.

Oh come now Gort, you don't think people are stupid enough to fall for that oldie?

Well they will if I do it when they least expect it.

Gort, look out behind you!

What!

Ha, caught with your own fiendish plan Gort.

My shins, you've bruised my shins, all 18 of them.

That's the trouble with you evil diabolic warlords Gort, you never expect your schemes to be used against you.

Okay space patrol constable Spoontang, read Gort his rights and slip the bracelets on him.

Yes sir captain.

Then when he's got the bracelets on, give him the matching earrings and brooch.

Well captain, you may have me captive, but don't forget, my entire palace is crawling with guards.

Never mind that Gort, just remember, my laser gun is pointing right in your ear, and if there's any trouble, I'll pull the trigger and blow your brains out.

Over in the corner Doc was trying to figure a way out of the palace with his miniature computer.

Ja, there is s way, follow me everybody.

We made our way down a few corridors, up a few lift shafts, across a light bridge, and through loads of those sliding doors you see in space movies.

Oh my God look at that.

We were standing on a ledge with a yawning drop below.

Edge your way along everybody.

Well captain pretty scary eh, you'll never make it.

Shut up you waste of space.

I'm frightened captain.

Yeah, I daren't look down, what a terrifying drop.

Captain you're looking down my cleavage.

Just trying to keep abreast of the script Carla.

Captain look, a door over here has a sign on it, it says, "Spare Rockets".

The doc picked the lock with his teeth and burst in. Not bad for a man of a 186.

Hey captain.

What?

How come he's so old and still alive?

Well on one of his expeditions, he discovered the fountain of youth.

Really?

Hmm. However, he didn't drink the water because he saw what the youth did in it.

Hey Captain look over here.

What?

Here's the rocket that'll get us out of here.

How do you know?

Well it's got written on the side, "This spaceship is guaranteed for two million miles or six adventures, whichever comes first."

It's a bit small isn't it captain?

Well you can squeeze in with Carla.

Oh no mein captain.

No?

I never associate mit women.

Oh.

It gets in the way of scientific progress.

You mean, you've never made love?

No, never.

Then I must tell you about the bird and the bee.

Don't you mean, the birds and the bees?

No, no, I'll tell you about orgies later.

Okay everybody, let's get out of here.

We blasted off for home with our captive and arrived on Earth to tumultuous applause, and a meeting with the president.

Kremmen, you're late.

Sorry Mr. President, I've been posing for a stamp.

Oh, you must be very tired after your adventure Kremmen. Tell me, do you have any trouble falling asleep?

Oh no sir, I can do it with my eyes shut.

Good well, congratulations Kremmen.

Thank you.

Put it there.

Okay sir.

No Kremmen, I meant your hand.

Later that evening over drinky poo's.

Well captain, what do you think our next adventure will be?

The search for the lost tribe of the Freenmen.

Oh I heard about them. Tell me, how did they get lost?

Well they were playing hide and seek Carla, and they overdid the hiding.

Oh, seems to me they're not worth looking for.

You're right, and when I find them I'm gonna tell them to get lost.

What will happen next? Tune in on Monday and find out in Kremmen of the Star Corps.