Series #5 Transcript: The Krells and the Macronites

An associated multinational production.

Warp factor 1. Warp factor 2...

Well sir, I've saved the universe again.

The whole nation is grateful.

Well your majesty I'd just like to say thank you for presenting me with this medal.

It gives me the greatest pleasure.

He's the only man for the job.

How can one man be so handsome?

Kremmen you must save us.

Captain Elvis Brandenburg Kremmen here.

He's so handsome.

My organization, Star Corps, is dedicated to doing things that bring a lump to your throat and send a shiver of your doobrie.

Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Here's the story so far. A report just in from one of our Earth spies has uncovered a Macronite plan to wage war on their old enemies, the Krells. So advanced are these two super planets that any conflict would have devastating results for the rest of the universe.

Carla and I stocked up our ship the Troll One with all the things we'd need for the trip out into space.

Well Carla, off once more to spread a little peace around the universe.

Mm-hmm, I hope we don't have too much trouble with the Krells and the Macronites.

I'm afraid we will, they hate each other with a hatred so strong it makes your teeth curl.

As the ship hurtled towards the danger zone, I checked out the crew.

Well men, this assignment will test us to our utmost limits.

Yes captain?

It's perhaps our most dangerous mission ever men.

Yes captain?

Anyone like to back out?

Yes captain.

I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

Oh doctor Gitfinger?

Yes captain?

I want you to join me in the computer room.

Right away.

Doctor.

Ja?

I'm gonna let you into a little secret.

What is it?

Well you realise better than anyone aboard this ship that the two superpowers we're about to engage with, are the most formidable enemies in the entire universe.

Ja that is roughly right.

Earlier, I put all the information about the Krells, the Macronites, and us into the computer and asked it to evaluate our chances in such a conflict.

I will process that information for you.

Three minutes later, it said,

I can not cope.

And broke down.

Good grief, you mean...

Yes doctor, we don't stand a chance. According to computer, no one on this ship is gonna come out of this alive.

I noticed all the blood drain from the doc's face.

Hey doc.

Yes captain?

You wanna drag yourself up on deck?

Well if it's all the same to you I'll dress casually.

Captain?

Yeah?

We're getting dangerously close to Krell territory.

Okay, tell Gonad to pull back to warp factor 6.

Well this was it, face to face with my old enemies the Krells. Terror ripped through my bones. Fortunately I remembered an old saying once told to me by a half red Indian, half Scot called Hawkeye the Noo. He said, "did you know in Chicago....Cincinapolis. Ah"

Suddenly I felt my old self again. I went up to the bridge and gazed into the televiewer.

Well there it is Carla, the planet of the Krells.

Yes captain and it looks so evil with all that green mist hanging over it.

That's a special gas Carla that hangs ten miles above the surface like a deadly soup, killing all that enter therein.

Hey Captain.

What?

Computers receiving a scrambled message from down there on the Krell planet's surface.

Quick, what does it say?

Information processed. Please press channel D.

Okay.

Suddenly, a slimy voice oozed from out the speaker.

You are being observed. State your business immediately.

Tune me into him Gonad.

Yes captain.

Greetings, I am Kremmen of planet Earth, I must speak with you.

Kremmen?

Uh-huh.

Elvis Brandenburg Kremmen?

That's me.

Well, what brings you down to these parts?

I got a lousy agent. Listen we must meet, I must talk peace with you.

Peace? Ha ha ha ha. Listen Kremmen, I'll send a craft up to bring you down to the surface. Don't forget to bring your baggage with you.

No I won't forget to bring Carla.

Seconds later a Krell travel pod pulled alongside our ship.

Doc.

Ja.

You stay here and monitor my progress on this.

What is it?

It's a new invention I picked up from the boys in the lab. This button here gives you my heart rate, this button my blood pressure, this my temperature, my position, direction, longitude, latitude, BBC 2, and Luxembourg.

The hatch opened and Carla and I stepped into the pod. As we left, I heard the computer's last words ringing in my ears.

Danger! Danger! Danger! Danger!

As the Krell pods slowly left the side of our ship, I settled down for the short journey to the surface. I was pleasantly surprised to see Carla busying about amongst the equipment.

It gives me great confidence to see you staring into that radar screen Carla. Are you plotting our position?

No, I'm fixing my makeup.

Oh.

I wanna look my best and feel full of confidence when we're facing those beast fiends.

Oh, there's no need to worry, my little space sylph. I told Gonad to pack this case here full of lasers, phasers, Zilch guns, and Kronak Agony Spray.

What this case?

Yep.

This empty case here?

Yeah...what!

It's empty.

But, it can't be, you realise what this means?

No, what does it mean?

This means we're going into the mouth of hell, with no weapons.

Uh!

I pulled out my ship to ship Communitron.

Kremmen to Gonad, Kremmen to Gonad.

Hi captain, Gonad here.

Gonad, you've made a very stupid mistake.

Well did you ever hear anyone make a clever mistake?

You forgot to pack the weapons.

Oh, you know I knew there was something I meant to do when I got up this morning.

Oh captain.

What?

This is only a minor setback for a, for a fearless crusader like you.

Well.

A solid sheet of muscle?

I don't know I.

And the first man to go over Niagara Falls, on roller skates?

She smiled one of her smiles, tossed me a wink, cocked me a snook, and shot me a glance. Having been shot, tossed, and cocked, I grabbed my tranquilliser ray.

Oh, that's better. But how can we face those evil Sweinehunds without guns? It's sheer madness, they've no scruples. They'll, they'll shred us without thinking twice.

I know what you mean, the day I first saw a Krell was the turning point of my stomach.

The ship shuddered as we entered through the layer of thick green mist surrounding the planet. Thousands of little coloured lights flickered as the automatic landing procedure throbbed into action.

Ah! Captain look.

What?

The televiewer screen.

The interference cleared, and there on the screen was the evil twisted face of Zarno, king of the Krells.

Oh my god.

His even teeth parted in a grin - the odd ones stayed where they were.

Welcome to my kingdom Earthlings.

Don't forget Zarno, we came to talk peace.

Ooo certainly captain, we'll talk lots and lots of peace.

Oh good.

Before we kill you both.

What!

Oh, golly, how could Kremmen make such a dumb move as to get caught without his weapons? Mind you, to think of something that dumb you gotta be really clever, and don't forget, "Chicago....Cincinapolis. Ah"

Here's the story so far. You remember last time as the fearless pair descended towards the Krell planet's surface, they made the stomach turning discovery that they had come completely unarmed. Well, join us now as Kremmen and Carla land on the most hostile planet in the entire universe.

The ship came to rest on a large square pad that started to descend below ground surface.

Oh captain, where are they taking us?

I imagine they want to dissect us and find out what makes us tick.

But captain.

What?

Is major surgery possible on a woman with, very large breasts?

Yes, although it's easier on an operating table.

The ship continued to descend, we must have been 500 stories below when it clunked to a halt.

Perhaps if I throw myself at their feet and do some grovelling they'll let us go.

They didn't go to the trouble of bringing us all this way just to let us go Carla. I've got a sneaking suspicion they're gonna force us into helping them destroy the Macronites. After all, these creatures are monsters.

Oh don't worry captain I'm used to monsters.

Yeah?

I once found one in the ship's laundry room.

Really?

Hmm. It was the wash 'n' werewolf.

Suddenly we were surrounded by guards on all sides, two of them guarded my front side and the rest guarded Carla's backside. Their commander spoke to them.

Quaggots froggot mels pring of froggoogleprung

Immet frevet krims speerget newsplunge

Unset kreve kletts patoonge

What are they saying captain?

I don't know Carla but I grasp languages quite quickly. I'm gonna try and reason with them.

Ahem, err excuse me, err, Prut fergal pertoinge pethrittigloonspleck.

What are you talking about?

I don't know.

Well shut up.

But...

Take them to the star chamber, I will have words with King Zarno.

Hello, King Zarno here.

Your highness, the earthlings are on their way to the star chamber.

Good.

Shall I tell the surgeons to begin the operation?

No, no, wait for me, I want to be there when the device is inserted.

Meanwhile in the star chamber.

Strap him to the operating table.

Get your hands off me you...

Oh leave him alone, you horrible lump.

One of them zapped Carla with a Valium ray as the others strapped me down. Operating equipment was pulled all around me. I'd never felt so helpless. Suddenly, an electric door quietly zushed open and in swept Zarno in flowing purple robes.

May we begin the operation now your highness?

Yes, start the operation.

I saw the Krell surgeon preparing himself, as the anaesthetic surged around my bionic veins.

Well Kremmen, when you wake up, you'll be a very different person. Ha ha ha.

By the Morgul of Tharnak, what are these beasts up to? Tune in next week to the walking death threat, on this wave length.

Captain Kremmen, is a Capital Wireless Workshop Production.

Captain Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Hi kids, your friend and mine Kremmen here.

Well, thank heavens this is only radio because things are really looking dreadful out here.

Here's the story so far. You remember last time the evil stenching Krell guards zapped Carla with a Valium Ray whilst strapping Kremmen to the operating table? Well, join us now, dear listeners, as evil oozes through your tuner.

Their drug was working, I felt my brain doing party duress around my skull.

Is he unconscious?

Completely.

Good, start the operation. It won't take long to insert the tiny but devastating Croton bomb inside his chest.

Ha ha ha.

Vardak.

Highness.

Come back to my throne room, I want to run my fingers through you.

Yes your highness.

Your highness.

What?

How are you so sure that Kremmen will do as you plan?

Oh he'll do as I plan alright? He's scheduled to go to Macro next to try to talk them out of going to war with us, right?

Yes?

Well, when he arrives all the heads of their government will be gathered to meet him. The bomb is set to explode when Kremmen says a certain set of words, a sentence that he is bound to say soon after he arrives, and as soon as he utters this sentence, Boom! Ha ha ha ha.

...is a complete success? Is the bomb inserted correctly?

Yes it is listen.

Wait.

What?

Something's wrong, it's only going click.

Oh don't worry, we have ways of making it tock.

Ha ha ha.

Suddenly, suddenly, suddenly from the four corners of the cosmos my brain returned to vague consciousness. I was aware that the limp bodies of Carla and myself were being wheeled out of the theatre, along a corridor, and into a restroom.

Oh.

Oh.

What have you been doing to me you walking filth?

Silence Earth scum, we are going to lock you up overnight.

Why, what's the charge?

50p including continental breakfast. You will be free to leave tomorrow morning, on your fruitless mission.

Guard.

Yes.

[KRELL TALKING]

Are you okay Carla?

Oh nothing a ton of makeup won't fix.

Oh never mind we'll be out of this dump tomorrow and on our way to Macro, perhaps we'll have better luck there.

I snuggled Carla to my massive muscular chest. We embraced and once again turned the night time into cosmic bliss.

Oh captain you're wonderful.

I know Carla.

Well, sex in space. Stay tuned for the next thrill bound episode coming your way on Capital.

An associated multinational production.

Captain Kremmen of the Star Corps.

And now, out of the Phoon drenched Thralls of Plearn, we bring you the story so far. Captain Kremmen, captured by the Krells, has been drugged and operated on by a team of Krell surgeons. Unbeknownst to him, a small but deadly Croton bomb has been secreted inside his chest. This bomb has been set to explode when our hero says a certain set of words, a sentence which he's almost certain to utter as he sets foot on planet Macro, his next port of call.

Swab.

Swab.

Sutra.

Sutra.

Faucets.

Faucets.

Remove his spectascope.

Right.

No you fool, I said remove his spectacles.

Oh sorry.

Oh never mind, have you inserted the bomb?

Yes it's in him, yes.

Good, bring him round.

Suddenly, suddenly, suddenly from the four corners of the cosmos, my brain returned to vague consciousness. I was aware that the limp bodies of Carla and myself were being wheeled out of the theatre along a corridor and into a restroom.

Oh.

What have you been doing to me you walking filth?

Silence Earth scum, we are going to lock you up overnight, you will be free to leave tomorrow morning on your fruitless mission.

Guard.

Yes.

[KRELL TALKING]

This treatment we're receiving Carla.

Mm-hmm.

Is in direct contravention of the space treaty.

I know.

I mean I come here in peace to settle an impending war, I get slugged, drugged, and operated on. When I get back to Earth I'm gonna write to Washington about this.

It's no use captain, he's dead.

I never blamed Carla for being stupid. She didn't have a chance at a decent schooling. Her family was so poor, she she couldn't even pay attention.

Come on Carla.

What.

We're going to escape.

Oh good.

Maybe my peace making will have more effect on Macro.

I melted the lock with my patent, thrifty, nifty, handy dandy lock laser...and soon we were on our way dodging Krell guards.

Look Carla, there's our ship in that hangar.

I'll divert their attention while you start her up.

Okay but be careful.

Ahem, hey guard.

What?

Want a good time?

Oh, threp fargo no titty platoons. What?

Take this.

Come on Carla quick, climb in.

Coming.

Soon we were up and away, but meanwhile back in the Krell Palace.

King Zarno.

Eh?

King Zarno.

What?

Kremmen and the woman have escaped.

But how did they manage that?

I've no idea, I had all the exits covered.

This can only mean one thing.

What?

They got out to one of the entrances. Never mind, the Croton bomb is primed. All he has to do now is say that special sentence, and both he and the Macronites will exist no more.

Ha ha ha.

Meanwhile, back on the ship.

Look captain, there's Macro coming into view.

Okay, turn off the cathode retarders.

Cathode retarders off.

Switch on the communitron.

Communitron on.

Kremmen to Macro, can you receive me?

Yes captain, we are receiving you.

I come to you in a last ditch attempt to stop this futile war with the Krells, which could have devastating effects on the rest of the universe.

We will talk with you captain when you land. I will have you escorted to the senate building.

Our ship sped on.

Wow look down there Carla, the whole planet seems to be bristling with stockpiles of weapons.

Wow.

They're really serious about getting back at the Krells for the last attack.

Mm-hmm.

If I can stop this war, it'll be my greatest achievement to date.

Yes captain, destiny is calling.

Well tell them to call back.

The ship settled on the pad, and before I could say quasi nuclear anomalous polyphonic phase lock, we were at the gates of the giant Macronite city. They swung open and we entered.

[MUSIC]

Well Carla, this is it.

At least they're more friendly than the Krells.

Well who isn't?

Captain Kremmen?

Yes?

This way to the X-Ray scanner.

They scanned our luggage first, and then us.

Suddenly the whole checkpoint was humming with activity.

What's the matter?

Captain, the X-Ray, look, it shows that you have a bomb inside you.

A bomb inside me? Don't be silly.

[KABOOM]

The explosion ripped through the city with a force of billions of megatons, disintegrating all in its path. It rolled its fiery way onward enveloping the Macronite nuclear stocks which in turn exploded with such fury, that a chain reaction was triggered that tore across the entire universe, until there was nothing left but...silence.

...away, evil, evil, ah, ah....

Captain, captain, wake up, wake up.

What do you mean wake up, I can't wake up I'm dead. You're dead. We're all dead. The whole universe has been destroyed by the Croton bomb.

Croton bomb?

Uh-huh.

Captain, you've been having a nightmare.

What, you mean, the universe is still intact?

Sure, look.

She was right, down below in the street life was still going on as it always had.

Stick them up.

Give me your watch.

But I-I-I

Give me your wallet.

But I-I

It was terrible Carla, I dreamt the evil Krells that planted a bomb inside my chest.

Well it's big enough.