Series #3 Transcript: Captain Kremmen and the Goo

Thank you friends, thank you friends, and hi kids.

As our ship hurtled through space, Arnold Fooman, my left hand man, rushed into the bridge.

Oh captain.

Yes?

Carla would like to see you in the galley.

Oh good. Say.

What?

Haven't I seen your face somewhere else?

No captain, it's always been here on the front of my head.

I made my way to the galley where Carla had been trying out her culinary skills on our nuclear powered AGA.

Oh hi captain, I'm cooking you some beans.

Carla why are your ankles completely swathed in bandages?

Well, it said in the instructions, to heat contents stand in boiling water for 15 minutes.

What will happen next? Tune in on Monday and find out in Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Thank you friends, thank you friends, and hi kids. Kremmen here, superhero and hunk, fifteen stone of sheer muscle, beef, and meat.

Captain, you make yourself sound like a stew.

Oh hi Carla, have the script writers thought of a plot yet?

No, they're still working on it.

Well, tell them to hurry, time is money, and E = mc².

Our space craft zoomed through the blackness of space.

Hey captain.

Mm-hmm.

Before you were a spaceman.

Mm-hmm.

Did you have other jobs, you know, like normal people?

Oh, yes, before I developed my superpowers, I used to be a male model modelling coal miners overalls down a mine.

Oh, what happened?

Well, the mine closed down, I went broke and didn't have a pit to pose in.

What will happen next? Tune in tomorrow at the same time and find out in Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Thank you friends, thank you friends, and hi kids. Well, here were are in the furthest reaches of the galaxy, on a planet made of thick sticky goo.

Uh, what do you think it is captain?

I don't but we'll get someone run it through the computer.

Uh, keep that stuff away from me.

Awe, come on.

Nope.

But we're helpless without you.

Tough titty.

Thanks a lot. Hey doc.

Yeah captain?

We'll have to go out and get some.

Right.

The doc jumped out of the ship and into the stuff.

Well, here goes nothing. Hop.

Well captain.

Yeah?

Now that we're alone.

Uh-huh.

Let's make love.

Ten hours later.

Oh captain, that was wonderful. Where did you learn to make love like that?

I went to an academy.

Really?

I had on the job training.

What will happen next? Tune in on Monday and find out in Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Thank you friends, thank you friends, and hi kids. You remember last time, Doc jumped out of the ship and into the gunge.

Well, here goes nothing. Hop!

He immediately sank up to his nose in it.

What do you make of it doc?

[GURGLING]

What?

[GURGLING]

What's he saying Carla?

I don't know, it sounds like [GURGLING]

Well, we've gotta get him out of there fast anyway because he's sinking. Have we got anything long and stringy to pull him out with?

Well, I could unravel this woolly jumper I'm wearing.

Where did you get it?

It was a cheap present from my last husband.

Oh, he was a meanie?

Yeah, I remember the time it was my birthday and I said I wanted something with diamonds.

What did he give you?

A pack of cards.

What will happen next? Tune in tomorrow at the same time and find out in Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Thank you friends, thank you friends, and hi kids. You remember in our last wondrous episode how we'd landed on a far off world in search of fuel, only to find that the whole planet was made of a strange sticky goo. The doc had jumped in to find out what it was made of and immediately sank up to his ears.

Oh captain, what are we gonna do?

Don't worry, I'll climb down and pull him out. You hold on to the doorknob and I'll hold on to you. That way we may be able to reach him.

I wrenched off my space tunic.

Captain.

What?

What's that scar on your shoulder?

What? Oh, oh that. Oh, I got that months ago in a car accident.

Really?

I wrapped my car around a tree and was trapped in it for ages.

Oh golly, what happened?

Well, thank heavens two cars happened along and saw my plight.

Who was in the cars?

Mr and Mrs Smith and Mr and Mrs Ball. Fortunately I was pulled out by the Smiths.

What will happen next? Tune in tomorrow at the same time and find out in Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Thank you friends, thank you friends, and hi kids. You remember last time, Doc was sinking fast into the gooey slime.

Captain.

What is it Doc?

This thick gooey slime I'm sinking into.

Yeah?

It's oil.

Oil? So that explains why they have to change this planet every 10,000 miles. What kind of oil is it Doc?

What kind of oil?

What kind of oil?

Uh-huh.

How's the **** should I know?

Oh.

I'm up to my **** neck in it and **** is sinking fast, and all you can think of asking me is what kind of **** oil it is?

Hmm, sounds like crude oil to me.

Oh, dear.

What?

Doctor Gitfinger sounds kind of mad captain.

No Carla, he's only joking.

Really?

In fact, he's a great one for practical jokes.

Oh.

He once broke into the Starship Enterprise and sprinkled woodworm all over the captain's log.

What will happen next? Tune in tomorrow at the same time and find out in Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Thank you friends, thank you friends, and hi kids. You remember last time, Doc was up to his eyes in it, and we found out that it was oil. The entire planet was made of oil!

Captain?

Yeah?

Get hold of the end of this rope and we'll pull them out.

Okay.

When he was halfway up.

Oh no.

Carla got a ladder in her tights. It stretched from the bottom right up to the bottom.

Keep pulling Carla, we gotta rescue doc. Without him, we're lost. He's the technical genius that'll get us out of this and take all this oil back to Earth. We'll be rich!

Goodie!

And besides that.

What?

He's a man of great religious convictions.

Religious convictions?

Yeah, he's been arrested twice for flashing in front of nuns.

What will happen next? Tune in tomorrow at the same time and find out in Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Thank you friends, thank you friends, and hi fans. Well, here we are once again zooming through the vastness of space, desperately searching for a plot.

Dum-de-dum, de-dum...

Carla was sitting around feeling my muscles.

Dum-de-dum, de-dum. You know Captain your muscles are so big and chunky.

Yes I know, but it wasn't always like that you know.

Oh really?

No, once I was an 8 stone weakling.

I didn't know that.

Mm-hmm. You know I, I even failed the Charles Atlas bodybuilding course.

How was that?

Couldn't open the envelope.

What will happen next? Tune in tomorrow at the same time and find out in Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Hurrah!

Thank you, friends, thank you, friends, and hi kids. Well, here we are still zooming through the inky blackness and still in search of a plot. Due to our plotless-ness, there's only one thing a chap can do in a spaceship with a beautiful woman. Last week I made love to call a seven nights running. I don't know which was more exhausting, the lovemaking or the running.

Meanwhile, back on the bridge.

Captain?

What is it my little atom boobs?

There seem to be a lot of pigs running around here in the ship.

Yes, didn't you know? Haven't you heard?

Heard what?

If you have pigs on board.

Hmm?

You become liable for a government grunt.

What will happen next? Tune in tomorrow at the same time and find out in Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Thank you, friends, thank you, friends, and hi kids. Well, it's been three whole days now since we discovered that we don't have a plot. So I decided to take everybody's mind off it by throwing a party aboard ship.

Well captain.

Mm-hmm.

Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves.

Yes you're right it seems to be going quite well.

Hey, wait a minute.

What?

Over there in the corner.

What?

Isn't that Hoare Tims?

Oh I don't know, she looks perfectly relaxed to me.

What would happen next? Tune in tomorrow at the same time and find out in Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Thank you, friends, thank you, friends, and hi kids. As you know, there's been a distinct lack of monsters and awful happenings out here in space lately, and to celebrate, I threw a party aboard ship.

Oh captain you know, this has gotta be the most fabulous party in the universe.

Well of course, and to make doubly sure of its total success, I'm beaming up some really big stars from all over the world.

Really?

Who've you invited?

Well, any second now, there'll be Ava Gardner, Aga Khan, Yma Sumac, Ena Sharples, Una Stubbs, and Isla St Clair.

Ah, here they are now. I gotta go see the doc about the cabaret, will you introduce these stars to each other?

Ava this is Aga, Aga Ava, Yma Ena, Ena Yma, Una Isla, Isla Una, Yma Ava, Ava Una, Isla Ava, Ena Ava...

Hey doc.

Ja.

Did you manage to beam up some decent cabaret?

Oh ja captain.

I got a guy who does turkey impressions.

Turkey impressions?

Hmm, and you should see what he does with a pound and a half of Paxil.

What will happen next? Tune in on Monday and find out in Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Thank you friends, thank you friends, and hi kids.

Hi captain.

Hi bosom buddy.

Oh captain I'm so in love with you.

I know, wWe both are.

Listen, hard face.

Mm-hmm.

Get the computer to sauce out what's for lunch today.

Okay. Hi computer.

Hi gorgeous, today on the menu you will find a choice of roast lamb or pea soup.

Well, what's the difference?

Well, you can roast lamb, but you can't pee soup.

What will happen next? Tune in tomorrow at the same time and find out in Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Thank you friends, thank you friends, and hi kids. Well, our scanners have finally spotted a planet 5 mega-throns ahead that looks as though it might have the necessary crystals to refuel our rocket. I set the coordinates.

The coordinates have been set captain.

Oh thanks computer.

Don't mention it.

Oh hi captain.

Hi Carla. Well, we're on our way now.

Oh great, want a drinky poo?

Oh no thanks, I still got a hangover from the party we had last week.

Oh I know, do you remember that incident when we beamed up Jerry Lee Lewis and he played a medley of his old hits?

No, I must have been in the Throb-a-tron.

You know, he played so fast that halfway through the piano still he was standing on burst into flames.

Great balls of fire?

No, the flames only reached his knees.

What will happen next? Tune in tomorrow at the same time and find out in Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Why, hi there kids, and welcome to my spaceship, which at this very moment is in the throes of speeding towards a distant planet.

Meanwhile, down in the conference room, I was having a little tete-a-tete with the doc.

Well doc.

Mm-hmm.

I'm about to set off on a new adventure and among my hand picked staff I need someone who can make instant decisions. Can you?

Hmm, I'm not sure.

Oh, I'm not sure either.

Perhaps, we should ask Carla.

Carla huh?

Mm-hmm.

You sure?

Not really, what about you?

Oh I'm not sure.

But here she comes. Least I think it's her.

Hi everybody, it's me.

Ah Carla my little sensuous sidekick. Tell me, can you make instant decisions?

Oh yeah.

Oh, thank God for that.

On the other hand. Aargh!

What's the matter my little nuclear nymphet?

It's a mouse captain.

A mouse?

Yeah, I just saw a mouse down behind the skirting board.

Oh, don't worry darling, I'll get some poly filler and fill up his hole.

Well just don't expect me to hold him down while you're doing it.

What will happen next? Tune in tomorrow at the same time and find out in Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Thank you friends, thank you friends, and hi kids. You remember last time we were coasting majestically towards Planet X to pick up fuel?

Well, it won't be long now and we'll be setting down on a whole new planet, unexplored, inexorable, and indigenous.

Hi captain, I brung you your ration of cocoa.

Hi sweetness.

I grabbed her by the doobrie.

Carla?

Mm-hmm.

Tell me about your first husband.

Oh golly, he was 90 years old when I met him.

90 years old?

Mm-hmm.

Heavens, how often did he make love to you?

Infrequently.

Was he really? Mm-hmm, not bad for a 90 year old.

What will happen next? Tune in tomorrow at the same time and find out in Kremmen of the Star Corps.