Series #11 Transcript: Captain Kremmen and the Gremmets

Stand by on this channel for

The thing that ate the creature that killed the blob that crushed the plant that choked the robot that shot the ray that melted the ice that drowned the world.

Brought to you this week by Kremmen's Candy. Yes friends, Kremmen's.

The candy that doesn't melt in your hand or anywhere else either.

That's right. First Kremmen's takes a center of creamy caramel, covers it with rich delicious chocolate...

...and then finishes it off with a coating of Portland cement.

And now we present part 1 of a new series of Captain Kremmen, starring Arlo Goobley and Twang Nickerlastic in....Aargh!...Captain Kremmen Speaks.

Hi, gang. Well, I've been heading out now into new realms of space for 2 weeks in my new space rover with my trusty crew of intergalactic experts, pulled from all the known species of humanoid in our galaxy. We have 15 Earthmen, 7 Zargons, 5 Thargs, 3 Gremmets, and a Pui.

You know Zelda.

What's that captain?

Zelda's my sexy assistant.

You know Zelda.

What?

It's just great to be out in space again, sitting here on the bridge, looking through the televiewer at all the planets going by.

Yes captain, it's just like Star Trek.

Zelda I've told you never to mention that series on this ship.

Sorry captain.

He's not half as handsome as me.

Yes captain.

And I hear he wears built up shoes.

Really?

And a truss.

Hey Belchstein.

Yes captain.

Give us our latest position.

Well captain, we're just about to pass through the light barrier.

Uh-huh.

And when we're through, we'll be further out than anybody's ever been before.

You mean nothing is known about this part of the universe?

Absolutely nothing.

You mean we're, going into uncharted territory?

That's what I mean.

Where no one has ever been before?

True.

Uh!

Oh my god he's fainted.

What?

What am I gonna do?

Well, maybe he needs the kiss of life.

Well I can't give it him.

Why not?

Well, I get emotionally involved.

The entire ship was swirling around my head. I could hear voices, but I couldn't see a thing. This was no fainting fit. Anyway, space captains don't faint. It was then that I saw it. It was the most disgusting sight I'd ever seen, and it was coming towards me on its stomach, leaving a green trail behind. Was I the only one who could see this thing? It opened a hole in its head and spoke.

Standby on this channel next week when you will hear the most disgusting sound ever heard on radio, including Tony Blackburn in episode 2 of Captain Kremmen, the great Harry Gilbert.

Right! Stuff your posh accents back in now and don't forget, later on in this show we have Captain Kremmen and the Krells. Loosen some up, but it don't half hurt. And now, Radio Victory, the station that rescued you from the BBC, now brings you your very own space radio serial. Brought to you by Kremmen Cigarettes.

Hi Bob. Gee, glad you could come over to see my new house.

Gee Ed, it's fabulous. Say you got a cigarette?

Sure, here.

Kremmen's eh?

Yep.

You save the coupons?

Sure do. I got this house with Kremmen's coupons.

This whole house?

Yep.

And my new sports car too.

Oh, that's amazing.

Not really, I smoke 27 packs a day and boy, those coupons sure mount up.

We present the adventures of captain Kremmen, the spaceman that makes Superman look like a poof. Episode 2: Terror of the Gremmets.

Captain Kremmen speaks.

Hi gang, this is Kremmen here, the spaceman that makes Captain Marvel look like Kenneth Williams.

Star date 1609 Gralux past Thrig. My trusty crew and I were trawling through space, looking for fresh worlds to conquer, when suddenly, I was struck with a freaky illness. My knees turned to jelly as I hit the deck. I could hear voices, but I couldn't see a thing. This was no fainting fit. Anyway, space captains don't faint. It was then that I saw it, it was the most disgusting sight I'd ever seen, and it was coming towards me, on its stomach, leaving a green trail behind. Was I the only one who could see this thing? It opened a hole in its head and spoke.

Listen Earthman to me, I am a Gremmet from the planet Alda, you are approaching too close to our zone.

But Gremmet we come in peace, all we wish is to bring you the fruits of our civilization: Shakespeare, Mozart, the Bay City Rollers.

Earthman.

What?

I have come to prevent the death of your ship.

Death?

My planet is at this moment wrecked with a terrible disease. If you continue your current course for another of your Earth hours, you will enter the infected area.

I must have more information Gremmet.

Kremmen, once upon a time, my people were a happy race. Our golden haired children would frolic through the dells, and our blue eyed maidens would gather prawn fruit whilst singing merry innocent melodies. All was harmony and colour, we had managed to create a perfect world.

But Gremmet, you said it was perfect and beautiful, but to me, you're the hideous-ist, ugliest thing I've ever seen.

This was not always so captain.

Really?

My people and I were the most beauteous creatures in the universe until the visitors arrived.

You mean the disease?

Yes captain. It came in ships out of the sky. My innocent people went to greet it, not knowing such a thing as danger or suspicion, and when the doors of the spaceships opened, it attacked without mercy, eating everyone in sight.

You mean ate whole people?

No captain, only the soft fleshy bits.

Well, what's gonna happen next week? Don't fail to miss the serial that won the Mary White House seal of disapproval on this channel next week, episode 3: Kremmen to the Rescue.