Transcript: Kremmen: The Movie

You read the book. You heard the radio show. You saw the television series. You ate the takeaway meal. And now...

Kremmen: The Movie

COMPUTER READOUT

SUBJECT: CAPTAIN ELVIS BRANDENBURG KREMMEN
BORN: DECEMBER 25th 1950
HEIGHT: 6 FOOT 10
PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES: SUPREME ATHLETE, CONCERT PIANIST, CONCORD PILOT, MOUNTAIN CLIMBER, DIPLOMAT, SPACE CAPTAIN, AND GENIUS
IQ: 498

Captain Kremmen.

You're the only man alive that can handle this mission Kremmen.

I know sir.

It's up to you to save my empire captain.

Yes your majesty.

Do you realise Kremmen, that the fate of the continental United States is in your hands?

Fear not Mr. President, it's not for nothing that they call me:

The World's Most Fabulous Man

Hi kids, Kremmen here. Before we get started on this fab episode, I'd like to fill you in on what's been happening to me since I saw you last.

I got myself an amazing new stereo system, and, oh yes, United Galaxy Headquarters, or as we call it, UGH, presented me with the most fabulous man in the world apart from God award.

What a night that was, just about everyone in the universe was there, except for Marlon Brando, he won't be making a guest appearance in this movie, he's completely out priced himself. Anyway as you probably know, the coveted UGH award is presented once in an Eon.

Hard to believe it's been a whole Eon since they gave me my last award.

The master of ceremonies was Marty, I once played a club on the moon, but there was no atmosphere, Schwartz. What a great guy.

But first, the captain's long time confident and colleague, brilliant scientist and all around short guy, Wolfgang Amadeus Gitfinger right here.

Marty went on to introduce my delectable assistant Carla, the only girl in the universe who, when she falls down, bounces back.

And now ladies and gentlemen, the star of stars, the hero of heroes, the world's most fabulous man, Captain Elvis Brandenburg Kremmen.

It was with a tear in my eye and a lump in my throat that I accepted the adoration of the crowd. I went on to make the most moving acceptance speech ever heard. They presented me with a new ship, the biggest and most technologically advanced ship ever to be built in this or any other movie.

Gee captain, it's, it's terrific, but where is everything, there's nothing here, where are the computers?

Oh Carla, you, you silly space nymph, the ship is the computer. It surpasses anything yet devised by man. The whole ship is one enormous computerised brain capable of anything and more.

Thank you captain.

You're welcome ship.

But I still don't get it captain, surely the ship doesn't do everything by itself, I mean the Unions wouldn't allow it.

You're right Carla, show her the control module ship.

Yes captain.

See Carla, how does that grab you?

Geez that was neat captain.

...yes, yes captain, very impressive.

Okay ship, something a bit more relaxing.

Something like this captain.

Hmm, well done ship.

My pleasure, your wish is my command.

I know that ship.

Anything you ask I shall provide for you.

Yeah I got the message ship.

Anything captain.

Shut up ship.

Captain.

Mm-hmm?

We're, we're alone on our new ship.

Uh-huh.

And you, you don't seem to have a mission at the moment.

Yeah.

And ah, the scrabble isn't intact or anything.

Uh-huh.

You know, I, I thought maybe we could, erm...

Yeah I know Carla, but what about afterwards?

I thought perhaps a movie.

Ah. Oh by the way you wanna freshen up first?

Sure, why not?

Okay ship, got that?

Yes captain, showers followed by cosmic bliss, and then a movie.

Okay, get on with it ship.

Coming right up.

* * * * *

As Carla enjoyed the mega experience of a lifetime again and again, and in that order, little did we know that back on Earth, trouble was brewing.

In a secret room below the sub basement of the UN in New York City, a meeting was taking place. In attendance where all the major power possessors of the world and David Frost. It seemed that parts of the universe had disappeared without trace. I know it's boring, but it's the only plot we've got.

I'll tell you guys what we need, what we need is Kremmen, Captain Kremmen, that cute little devil.

Duh.

Qui.

Me, that is very right.

Yes, quite right, yes.

Jawohl, he's the one.

That's the one you sent out to where you hear.

[MUSIC] Call for Kremmen. Call for Kremmen. Call for Kremmen....

* * * * *

Trawler fishing in the North Sea. Brave men on small boats who risk their lives every day...

Did the space move for you captain?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

It sure did for me.

Oh, that's terrific.

...who are these men who fight the elements and trap the fish? Who are the fish? How are they caught? Here we see the men...

Boy, this is boring.

Well of course it's boring Carla, supporting features are supposed to be boring to make the big picture look good.

Gee captain, you know everything.

We have a distress call from the planet Earth. A priority galactic disaster imminent. You are to report to the air conditioned officers in the secret tunnel underneath the top of the incredibly remote Mt. Fujiyama, where you will meet Q, head of universal security and reputed to be the most powerful man in the world and personal friend of Mick Jagger.

Any friend of Mick's is a friend of mine. Get ready ship. Functionalise star systems, release stabilisers, activate solar boosters, prepare sandwiches, easy on the mustard, set course for Fujiyama!

* * * * *

We made our way through the secret passage and along an amazing complex of corridors and tunnels, each cut out of solid rock. The visual effect was stunning, but on the other hand, it was just an old movie trick to kill time when you've got a thin plot. Then suddenly in the distance we saw, a large Q! Could this be it?

Well hi there.

Captain Kremmen reporting as requested.

So, you're the famous captain Kremmen.

And you're Q.

Oh thank you, you're cute too. My little jokey poos hope you don't mind.

And this is my beautiful assistant Carla.

Love your suit, make it yourself did you or if you got a little man tucked away. The K's an absolute dream. Tell me, how do you manage to move in those tight trousers? But they're so now, aren't they? They have a certain something, I can't put my finger on it. Aren't we just slaves to fashion?

We had a distress call from Earth sir, they said you'd fill me in.

Did they now? Wow! You know, I can't believe we've never met before. Do you go to the bars on Jupiter, or are you a stay at home play at home?

I'd like to get right down to business chief.

Oh call me Q, in fact, call me anytime. Oh I'm so naughty.

Okay Q I just like to get the brief on the mega disaster.

Oh, tamper, tamper, suddenly we're hell and headstrong. Don't be so impatient. Relax. Ease into it. Loosen your girdle Etna. There's lots of time...

But...

No buts, what have I said? Listen, don't push it Alice, this is my only in this whole lousy movie. It's okay for you mister butch leading man, you go on to save the universe, fade out curtains, standing evasion, but this is it for me. That's all I got, sweetie. God knows I've tried, I mean, look at all this, is this a set and a half or is this a set and a half? What I'm saying Tallulah, is hands off my scene. I got another 20 outfits to get through yet. Relax. There's people out there who are just getting into me. Am I right or am I right? And now butch, I'm afraid I really must explain the little contra term the universe has gotten itself into. I don't really know much about it, somebody's eating up planets or something, I don't know. I'm not one to pry. Look at this. And this.

Hey, there seem to be teeth marks on the Milky Way.

I know isn't it revolting, yucky poo.

Q went on to explain that there'd been other strange disappearances, but not a clue as to who was behind it all. We said our goodbyes to Q and left him to disappear up his own ascending stairway.

* * * * *

[MUSIC]

And so we set out in search of a monster of monsters. I decided to cruise around the universe to see what I could pick up. Then I got a brainwave - I've always been known for my wavy brains - the answer may lie, "In the Capital."

In a flash we were mingling with the scum of the universe, the forgotten monsters of forgotten movies, dropouts, drug heads, acid heads, three heads. Then I saw our undercover contact, Sam the Stooly, sitting in the corner.

Hi Sam, what's the word on the street?

You on a case captain?

Yes Sam.

Strange disappearances in the universe?

You got it Sam.

Teeth marks in the Milky Way, no one knows anything about it.

That's it Sam. What's the word?

Nothing captain.

Thanks Sam.

Anytime captain, after all, that's what I'm here for. By the way captain.

Yes Sam?

How about letting Carlos sit on me for a while?

No dice Sam.

We pushed our way past two bar flies and made for the door.

Bar tender, there's a man in my drink.

Awaiting your instructions captain.

We are really in a fix captain, what do we do?

Captain what's wrong, why aren't you saying anything?

As unbelievable as it may seem, we were stuck in the middle of the plot without the rest of the script. Yes, Incredible Ideas Incorporated, motto, we never let you down, had let us down. There was nothing we could do.

Hello?

Hello captain?

Uh-huh.

Incredible Ideas Incorporated here. Not only we never let you down, sorry we let you down, but don't worry, we found a way out, and it's great. All we do is...

Yeah?

We stall for time.

Oh.

And here's how we do it. Cue title captions, voice in echo.

The story of mankind. Tonight's Episode - Day One.

Sorry Captain, it's not working. We'll get back to you.

Ladies and gentlemen, we seem to have a small problem, but don't panic. I Kremmen will triumph once again. It's for nothing that I'm known as the world's most fabulous man. I'll come up with the answers, but be prepared for a commercial break.

Captain look.

Jumping jet boots.

Oh no.

Quick, follow that belch. Cue commercials.

Commercial time.

You are looking at a modern woman, a woman of today. Cool, intelligent, sophisticated and attractive. What kind of watch does she wear? Yes, she wears new pupil prompt, the digital contact lens, completely undetectable and reliable. See the time all the time with pupil prompt, available from fashionable stores everywhere.

Pupil prompt.

Well record fans, that's the end of part one. Has the monster really taken a bite out of Canada, will he get indigestion? Will Kremmen return to Fujiyama for fresh instructions, and if he does, will Q get fresh? Will Carla sit on Sam the Stooly? Could she really care for a chair. Do you really care what happens? If you do, turn to side two. But first...

[MUSIC] Call for Kremmen song.

THIS IS A COMPUTER READOUT

SUBJECT: CAPTAIN ELVIS BRANDENBURG KREMMEN
BORN: DECEMBER 25th 1950
HEIGHT: 6 FOOT 10
MUSCLES OF STEEL, BIONIC BLOOD, LEGS LIKE A GAZELLE, CONCERT PIANIST, BRAIN SURGEON, X-RAY EYES, SAVIOUR OF THE UNIVERSE.
MISSION: TO BOLDLY GO WHERE NO HAND HAS SET FOOT.

And now, it's watch to attention time. By the liquid thrills of Nago the Mangled Croc, it's part 2! Starring, Candy Bar, Dandruff, and Willy Take-a-Chick.

Here's Kremmen.

Hurrah!

Thank you, thank you friends, thank you. Hi kids, remember part 1 when we whipped your brains to cream with jokes like this?

Captain.

Yeah?

What is it about me that makes all the guys at Star Corps wanna take me out all the time?

I don't know Carla, what do you think?

I don't know either, I just give up.

I think that's it Carla.

Captain, Captain, quick, look at this.

What is it, doctor, calm down.

I have just invented a revolutionary new kind of cigarette lighter. What you do is you push this button here.

Uh-huh.

Und this arrow pops up and points to somebody who's got a match.

It was at that very moment that a strange thing happened.

Captain, these scripts have just arrived for you.

Oh thank you. Who are you?

My name is Benny, I'm the new character. I got this sort of hunchback, droopy jaw line, dangling cigarette. Grotesque yet cuddly. Know what I mean?

Sure Benny welcome aboard, always room for another pretty face.

And it was at that very moment, another strange thing happened.

The monster had struck again, this time too close for comfort. We hoisted anchor and set off. Following his strange groans through unknown galaxies where no hand had ever set foot.

Captain, we have the fastest ship in the universe, but, but, will it be fast enough?

We'll soon see doc.

Hey captain, look, where is it leading us to?

I don't know Carla. What do you make of it ship?

I am analysing as fast as I can, don't bug me.

Ladies and gentlemen, the following scenes of this strange unknown Galaxy have been filmed at great expense with a new improved three dimensional optical illusion technique. To appreciate the full impact of this three dimensional visual sensation it is imperative that you wear the special glasses provided. They can be found under your seats. Thank you.

I just don't believe what I'm seeing. What do you make of it doc?

It's as though everyone's life since the beginning of time is flashing before our eyes.

Look captain, there's World War II, with the original cast.

Yeah, and there's Ben-Hur, look at him go.

And look, Joan of Arc, what a hot little number she was.

Captain, what is that crowd of people, and look what they're doing.

Don't worry Carla, it's just a Bette Midler concert, they do those kind of things.

Suddenly it was over. We had passed through the time warp beyond everything known to man and into this empty void.

Ladies and gentlemen, that concludes our amazing three dimensional sequence. Would you please replace the specially provided glasses under your seats for the next performance? Thank you.

Captain, I have now switched over to my super logic mode.

Well done ship, where are we?

I don't know.

Some great computer, even I knew the answer to that one.

That's a cheap remark, but it goes with the dress. Captain, it is not logically possible to establish our correct position in this void without some point of reference, which at the moment is non-existent.

Look captain, there is a planet appearing on the scanner.

I see it doc, let's move in.

Okay ship, there's your point of reference, get to work.

In milliseconds we had landed, there were no signs of life, it seemed deserted.

I have now established our position, we are in the uncharted galaxy of Snoop, and have landed on the planet Bogey.

Bogey? What a funny name for a planet, what does it mean?

Err Captain, I think I could answer that, take a look on the scanner.

Of all the bars in all the gin joints in all the galaxies you had to fall into one of them.

Excuse me, we're on the trail of a monster who's been eating our universe.

Okay boys, get this and get it fast. You see this galaxy, it's empty. You know why it's empty? I'll tell you why. Your friend the monster, the kid's a big eater. He only left us alone because I have friends on the inside, his inside. This galaxy used to be filled with lovely planets and friendly bars. Now it's over thanks to him. So take my advice and get out of here before it's too late.

Aargh!

It's too late.

Without even waiting for an autograph, I put the ship into mega speed and made a run for it, but it was no good.

We are in a no escape situation, we are surrounded. Total size of monster impossible to estimate - he's really big.

Captain we seem to be heading into a black hole, what does it mean?

I don't know Carla, I fell asleep during the Disney movie.

Captain, we are in total reverse thrust, but we are still moving forward at ten times the speed of sound. There's nothing we can do.

Oh captain.

* * * * *

Gee, have we really been swallowed by the monster?

Well, it sure looks that way Carla.

We thought we were on the monster's trail, but we were on his menu.

We have a really serious problem here captain.

That's right doc, but don't worry, I'll get us out of here as soon as I've digested the facts.

I'm not worried about escaping captain, it's, it's these ridiculous menu and digestion jokes I can't swallow.

Now you're doing it. Look Captain, look.

Our amazing fall through the monster's internal organs finally came to an end as we crashed down into the scrap heap of his last meal.

Okay ship, give me a damage report and fast.

All systems operational captain.

Position?

We are lodged at the base of the stomach.

Can we move?

I'm afraid not captain. We're jammed between the 6th Fleet and what appears to have been Bombay. It's only a matter of time until we are crushed for death.

We were hopelessly trapped. Was this to be the end of the world's most fabulous man?

Aargh!

Suddenly my supercharged brain knew exactly what had to be done.

Assemble oxygen units and load them into the exhaust hatch.

Yes captain.

Connect high velocity pressure pumps to oxygen supply points and commence pumping oxygen into the stomach.

Yes captain.

Visualise overall oxygen supply meter read out on scanner.

Yes captain?

What are we doing captain?

We're playing with nature Carla, it's our only chance of escape. Keep watching that needle on the scanner, if it goes into the red there won't be enough oxygen left for us to survive.

The stomach is inflating captain.

Good, we should be getting some reaction now.

Computer it's working.

Captain the needle is dropping.

Stomach extremely inflated, oxygen supplies critical, instructions...

Keep pumping, it's got to work.

My ingenious plan had worked. The monster's body had relieved itself of the unwanted air, and we were free, free to search for new adventures and better writers.