Series #9 Transcript: The Oil Planet

And now the show that puts a sparkle in your ear and turns your wireless queer.

He's right folks, and also it contains the following fabulous digital sound effects.

The greatest story in the universe.

Kremmen of the Star Corps.

In today's bladder bursting episode are the following fabulous stars, Tom Bola, Lean Against the Wall, and Liza Bauterage.

Here's Kremmen.

Thanks you friends, thank you friends, and hi kids. You remember last time we were zooming down to the surface?

Well here we are, Planet X.

Hmm, where exactly is Planet X?

Between planet W and planet Y.

Oh.

It's not a very big planet is it captain?

No, you know in fact this planet is so small, they bring it indoors when it rains.

Manual retarders retracting.

Manual retarders retracting.

Nuclear doobries on standby.

Nuclear doobries on standby.

Digital energizers in fission mode.

Digital energizers in fission mode.

Why are you repeating everything I say?

Just stick to the script.

Okay.

Well captain, we'll be landing on an unexplored planet in a minute.

Sure will. You frightened Carla?

Oh no, my whole family are the carefree adventurous type.

Tell me, does your granny still slide down the banisters?

Yeah, but we put barbed wire there to stop her.

Does it stop her?

No, but it slows her down a lot.

Captain.

Yeah?

This landing.

Uh-huh.

It's gonna be a toughie.

I know that, but I can make it, I'm famous for my soft landings.

Oh no, not another soft landing.

[CRASH]

Are you alright Carla?

I think so, but look out of the porthole. This planet, uh! It's covered in thick gooey slime.

So it is.

Compute.?

Yeah.

What's this planet made of?

Thick gooey slime.

You know captain

What?

It reminds me of that time I fell down a sewer.

You did?

Yeah. I couldn't swim, but I went through the motions.

You know Carla, this could be a real difficult assignment looking for fuel on an unknown planet.

Yeah I know, thank heavens we got doctor Gitfinger with us.

Indeed he's one of a kind; when he retires it'll be difficult to fill his shoes.

Oh I don't know, couple of shovelfuls should do the trick.

Oh hi computer, are the crew ready yet?

Bad news captain.

What?

Half the crew have gone down with flu.

Half the crew?

Which one?

Engineer Freeman.

Oh not Freeman, what type of flu has he got?

Hong Kong flu.

Hong Kong flu? Are you sure?

Yep, he just flew to Hong Kong.

This is terrible, how long will he be there?

Two weeks, he went on an Irish package tour.

A two week Irish package tour?

Yep, fourteen days and two nights.

What will happen next? Tune in tomorrow at the same time and find out in Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Can I have some intriguing space music, please? Thank you.

You remember in last week's collie wobbling episode, a race of alien monsters had drawn alongside Kremmen's ship after they discovered that one of their planets entirely made of oil had been wrenched out of orbit by our hero, in order to take it back to Earth so we could replenish our dwindling stocks. But don't worry folks, last week's script writers have been shot.

We'll have a bottle of Gold top and two yogurts?

No, no, it's Kremmen here, I've come about the oil planet. Maybe we can do a deal?

Enter.

The door was answered by a creature I can only describe as...[GARGLING]

I'm frightened captain, these people they're, they're so ugly.

I know, I wish the doc was here, he could've figured a way out of this.

Yeah. Mind you, even if he hadn't had that attack of cowardice, he'd have forgotten to come anyway.

You're right, you know he's so absent minded he spent three hours in a grandfather clock trying to make a phone call.

The creature led us into a huge conference room full of hideous uglies in long flowing robes. One of them was seated on a diamond encrusted throne.

Hey look, that must be mister Big.

Yeah.

He opened a hole in his head and spoke.

Well Earthman, you seem to be very keen to steal one of our planets. Why is this?

Well because your immenseness, it's made of oil you see and my planet's major source of energy, of which we've just run out of.

Tell me Kremmen, how desperately do you need this oil?

Well to tell you the truth, we'd give you anything for it. All our industries back on Earth have ground to a halt. Your oil planet will save Earth from the biggest disaster since the invention of Radio 1.

Okay, let's do a deal. You can have the oil planet in exchange for the best things Earth has to offer, so start offering.

Hey captain.

What?

Why not [WHISPERING]

Hey good idea. Ah listen, you don't look as though you've got a lot of entertainment around here. Perhaps we could send you some, we got lots of entertaining things on Earth.

Like what?

Well we could beam you up Rod Stewart.

Is he good?

Well, he's not as bad as he sounds.

Forget it Earthling, my scientists here on the battlecruiser have already decided what we want in exchange for the oil.

The creature gave a lurch, crossed three of its sixteen legs, and gazed dribblingly in Carla's direction.

You can't be serious.

Oh you're kidding.

We have decided we want to keep your wench for experimental breeding purposes.

Breed, with you? Aargh!

The deal's off trench mouth.

Deal, what deal?

He led Carla and I into a small room. We waited for hours. Then we waited for theirs. Then we swapped ours for theirs and had a party.

Captain, you gotta get me out of this horrible situation, I can't mate with an alien.

But Carla, think of the oil.

I don't care how easy they make it, I just can't do it.

Okay, okay, I'll think of something.

Suddenly, in burst one of them.

Our team of specially chosen male athletes await you through here.

The creature was a mathematical freak, half man, half animal, and half fish. He was so ugly, he'd have to take up boxing to improve his looks. I couldn't help noticing that he had blue eyes though. One blew out of the window and the other blew under the desk.

I demanded an audience with their leader, Vorton.

I was dragged in chains to partake audience with him.

Yes Kremmen, what do you want?

Why are you doing this to Carla you unspeakable fly blown heap of accumulated filth?

Because my dear Kremmen, many years ago my people's capacity to breed was eliminated by a series of wars with our sister planet. The creatures on this ship are all that is left of our race.

This is all that's left of you?

Yes. So you can see that we need your wench to begin a new race of super clones.

From the next room I could hear interesting noises of aliens having fun...

Suddenly I could stand it no longer, I flipped open a little trapdoor in my skull, pressed a switch, and my brain went into overdrive.

Suddenly, my muscles expanded to eight times their normal size. All my clothes started to split, but it was okay, being radio you can't see the naughty bits.

Okay Carla, I'm coming to save you.

The mighty door caved in and there they were. Twenty alien clones standing in line waiting to take advantage of my chick.

Take that.

I gave them almighty thwack with my bionic fists, grabbed Carla and fled.

Oh captain, thank heaven you saved me, they were about to do unbroadcastable things to my body, that might have offended the audience.

Oh by the way, you know that receptacle we use back on the ship for putting listeners' complaints in?

Yeah, what about it?

It's busted.

Busted?

Yeah, it won't flush.

Capital Radio your Houston station, dares you to tune in next week to episode 3 of Kremmen of the Star Corps.

And you remember in the last testicle trembling episode, I was doing deals with Vorton, ugliest of the aliens. Suddenly he turned uglier than usual, opened a hole in his head, and spoke.

My scientists here on the battlecruiser have already decided what we want in exchange for the oil.

The creature gave a lurch, crossed three of its sixteen legs, and gazed dribblingly in Carla's direction.

You can't be serious.

Oh you're kidding.

We have decided we want to keep your wench for experimental breeding purposes.

Carla turned several shades of variegated aubergine, went into a tailspin, flipped her lid, and said

Captain, you gotta get me out of this horrible situation, I can't mate with an alien.

But Carla, think of the oil.

I don't care how easy they make it, I just can't do it.

As you can imagine, I was riddled with perplexity. I was just about to ring Capital Helpline for some advice, when...

From the next room, I could hear interesting noises of aliens having fun.

Suddenly I could stand it no longer, I flipped open a little trap door in my skull, pressed a switch, and my brain went into overdrive.

Suddenly, my muscles expanded to eight times their normal size. All my clothes started to split.

Okay Carla, I'm coming to save you.

The mighty door caved in, and there they were. Twenty alien clones standing in line waiting to take advantage of my chick.

Take that.

I gave them almighty thwack with my bionic fists, grabbed Carla and fled.

The whole battlecruiser was bristling with noise and confusion. I however, was a bastion of calm.

Captain you seem to have turned into a bastion.

Yes it's a trick I learned in Kung Fu School Carla. Do you know I can hack a brick in half with one stroke?

Now how does it go?

[SINGING] Oh, I can hack a brick in half with just one stroke...

Mean-whilst, back on the bridge of my ship.

Hello first mate to ship's computer, first mate to ship's computer.

Yes, what is it matey?

There seems to be a little delay over there at the battlecruiser. Could you use your four million watt brain to investigate?

Standby. According to my sensors the captain is in grave danger and may even die.

Don't be silly computer, the captain die? That's the last thing he'll ever do.

Meanwhile back on the baddies craft.

Hey captain.

What?

This looks like the front door of the spaceship.

How do you know?

It's got "Front Door" written on it.

My god you're right, let's give it a push and high-tail it out of here.

Suddenly there we were, outside the battlecruiser, free!

Er captain.

I know what you're gonna say Carla.

Oh yeah, what's that?

You're gonna say, "gee captain, you've saved us again".

No.

No? Well, what was you gonna say?

I was gonna say, we seem to have come out here into deep space, without our space helmets.

Oh dear, this can only mean one thing.

Uh-huh.

Well, there we were, dead! Two great big messy pink splattered space accidents floating around. Could this be some horrible kind of dream?

...captain captain, wakey, wakey, you've been having a horrible dream.

Oh gee, thank god for the, "it was all a horrible dream" trick.

By the Nogglers of Blinge, where is this serial heading? Tune in next week and hear Kremmen say,

Do you know Carla.

Mm-hmm.

I dreamt I ran a mile in 3 minutes.

That's amazing, the world record is 3 minutes 20 seconds.

I know, but I took a shortcut.

And now ladies and gentlemen, the space serial that's full of fabulous digital sound effects.

Now on Capital, the greatest story in the universe.

Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Today's chip filled episode contains the following fabulous stars, Nick Erstoyou, Anna Gram, and Minnie Skirt.

Here's Kremmen.

Hurrah!

Thank you, thank you kids. Hi, Kremmen here, all round muscle bound lump of wonder.

Welcome to this week's episode, starring our special guest, Tess Tickle.

This week oh listener, finds me consoling Carla after her ordeal with the aliens.

Oh captain, it was really horrible, I mean what an ordeal.

Mm-hmm, sure must have been.

Fifty great hairy space creatures, all of them trying to get into my under drawers.

Tell you what Carla, to celebrate our escape, let me regale you with a meal.

I took Carla to the ship's restaurant, The Digital Dumpling, a cute little place on F deck.

Oh good evening captain.

Good evening.

Your favourite table is waiting for you.

Oh, thank you.

The Maître d' was a Golarian from Planet Z.

Would you, walk this way please?

He took nine steps backward, wrapped his long green lips around a chandelier, and swung his fat glistening purple body across the room.

Unfortunately he miscalculated the distance, crashed through the kitchen doors, and fell headlong into a blender - I had him for starters - he was delicious!

Oh captain it's so nice here.

You're not on a diet by the way are you?

Well actually, I'm on a seafood diet.

Really?

Yeah, I see food and I eat it.

Meanwhile unbeknownst to us, the tractor beam that was hauling the oil planet behind us had become hopelessly caught up in the ship's propellers and was gaining on us. Fortunately, we were blissfully unaware of this, as we were inside see, pouring over the menu.

Well now let me see, um, oh, what can I have to eat?

Well Carla why don't you have the matzo balls, they're very delicious.

Yeah I know but, isn't there some other part of the matzo you can eat?

Captain, captain.

What is it first-mate Thrinman?

Captain something awful's happened.

Oh no, don't tell me they've extended Jonathan King's contract?

Worse than that captain, the oil planet's just passed us, and it's heading for Earth on a collision course.

What will happen next?

I've no idea, but tune in next week and hear Kremmen and say:

You know when I was a baby I was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

And now ladies and gentlemen, the space serial that's full of fabulous digital sound effects.

Now on Capital, the greatest story in the universe.

Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Today's me trembling episode contains the following fabulous stars, Di Rectory, Ella Phant, and Stew Pidberg.

Here's Kremmen.

Hurrah!

Thank you friends, thank you friends, and hi kids.

Well it's been three whole days now since we discovered that we don't have a plot. So I decided to take everybody's mind off it by throwing a party aboard ship.

Well captain.

Mm-hmm.

Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves.

Yes you're right it seems to be going quite well.

Hey wait a minute.

What?

Over there in the corner.

What?

Isn't that whore tense?

Oh I don't know, she looks perfectly relaxed to me.

Next day after the party.

Morning everybody.

Oh hi doc, had a good night?

No captain.

No?

I suffer for insomnia you know?

Oh, have you tried sleeping outdoors?

No, but will sleeping outdoors cure insomnia?

You idiot, sleeping anywhere cures insomnia.

Well here it is, you guys. Breakfast.

Mm-hmm, yummy, yummy.

You know captain?

What?

I was reading in the paper this morning. Look, it's an absolute disgrace, look here.

What?

It says eggs are going back up.

Wow, that'll give a lot of hens on nasty shock.

Even though spirits were high on the ship, there was just one little problem, we were low on Gazarnium crystals and needed to stop and refuel.

You know if we don't find a planet soon, we're just gonna come to a standstill and float forever in the inky blackness.

Don't worry sugar plum there have been energy problems before.

Really?

Mm-hmm, I remember someone once discovered you could actually fuel a rocket with cow dung.

Cow dung?

Yeah, it didn't do the engine much good but there was one good thing about it.

Well what was that?

No one ever tried to siphon it out of your tank.

As we reeled with glee from that award winning joke, I noticed through the porthole a planet about five megathrons ahead. I set the coordinates.

The coordinates have been set Captain.

Oh thanks computer.

Don't mention it.

Well we're on our way now.

Oh great, wanna drinky poo?

Oh no thanks I still got a hangover from the party we had last week.

Oh I know, do you remember that incident when we beamed up Jerry Lee Lewis and he played a medley of his old hits?

No, I must have been in the Throp-a-tron.

You know he played so fast that halfway through the piano stool he was standing on burst into flames.

Great balls of fire?

No, the flames only reached his knees.

What will happen next? Tune in tomorrow at the same time and find out in Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Now on Capital, the greatest story in the universe.

Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Today's lemon lipped episode contains the following incredible stars, Arthur Sixpence, Sy Clone, and Berth Ofthenation.

Here's Kremmen.

Hurrah!

Hi kids, hi kids, and welcome to this week's hairy chested episode.

[MUSIC]

Well, it's been a whole week since we last spoke and I've kinda missed you. But don't worry, I've kept myself busy with my killer care bear kit.

This week's episode, sees me in the ship's sick bay where I've gone to have my weekly checkup.

Right captain, would you please breathe in?

Yeah sure....

Yes fine, er, now breathe out.

Alrighty...

Err, thank you captain, yes. Thank you. Thank you captain! Those new bionic lungs seem to be working fine.

Sure do.

Mm-hmm, err, just one more little test.

Okay.

Say R.

Fine....R...

Thank you captain, thank you, yes. Well I pronounce you one million percent fit for duty.

Great.

Except for one thing.

Well what's that?

You've only got six months to live.

Later on that night in Carla's cabin.

Well captain what you been up to today?

Well not much, it's been a bit of a slow day Carla. I went to the dock for a check-up.

Oh, not bad news I hope.

Hmm, well he told me I had six months to live.

Oh no that's terrible.

Well it's not that bad, when I told him I couldn't pay his bill, he gave me another six months.

That guy's nuts.

What about them?

What?

You said that guy's nuts.

No I mean he's a little strange you know? The other day I went to him, and he said I should take a pill a day for the rest of my life.

What's wrong with that?

They only gave me three.

Hey Captain.

Yes what is it Herndleman?

Nurl Herndleman, my chief bad news bringer.

Captain I really think we ought to get back to the plot. Hilarious though these doctor jokes are.

You're right Herndleman, what page are we on?

329.

Alrighty, let's see now...Kremmen switches on TV. Okay.

Hello. Reports are just coming in that the last contest on today's Kenny Everett show is what show uses this signature tune.

Also coming in, this story from a horror correspondent.

Hello, it seems that a huge planet made entirely out of oil is heading towards Earth on a collision course. Billions of people will die horribly, and this will be the end of life as we know it. Cricket: the 3rd Test match at Lords from....

Well...what will happen next? Stay tuned for the next knob twiddling episode of Kremmen of the Star Corps.

And now, a mammoth moment in history as we bring you.

The greatest story in the universe.

Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Today's toe tapping episode is brought to you by God, maker of the universe, and stars Hazel Twig, Dwight Christmas, and Solly Longnumber.

Here's Kremmen.

Hurrah!

Thank you friends, and hi gang, and welcome to the show.

You remember in the last bunion bursting episode, we were towing the oil planet back to Earth...when the tractor beam got caught in the ship's propeller...and was hurled ahead...was hurled ahead of the ship....

Carla?

Yeah?

Can you turn this damn music down?

Okay.

Thank you. It was hurled ahead of the ship. Now, we were following it and it was hurtling out of control towards Earth. Got it?

No.

Good.

I made my way to the engine room to chat with doc.

Hey doc.

Yes captain?

What are the chances you can squeeze any more power out of the engines?

Well, to do that we'd need tons more fuel.

Uh-huh.

The only way we can get tons more fuel is to catch up with the oil planet and suck some up into the tanks so we can fuel the engines enough to catch up with the oil planet and suck them up into the tanks so we could catch our...

Yeah, yeah, okay, what you're really saying is...

What I'm really saying, is that we're up Pooh Street without a paddle.

I radioed back to Earth, but they were engaged.

Captain.

It was my cosmic cutie pie.

Captain, you're looking a little strained and nervous. Why don't you go see the doctor?

I took Carla's advice and made my way to the sick bay where the doc was giving one of the crew members an intelligence test.

Right now, what do you call a Spanish woman with one tooth?

Err, Juanator?

Correct, and what do you call a Frenchman who's been attacked by a lion?

Err, Claude?

Correct.

Hey doc.

Yes captain?

Doctor, I wonder if you can help me. Lately I seem to be terribly irritable and short-tempered.

Oh, well sit down and tell me all about it.

Doc I just told you all about it you stupid pea brained idiot.

What I needed now was some great advice. The kind of wise advice your grandmother would give you. Except my grandmother was a dumdum; she started taking the pill at the age of 93 so she wouldn't have any more grandchildren.

Ha ha ha.

It wasn't that funny Roger.

I called a meeting of the crew.

Okay men, are we all assembled?

Yes captain we're all here.

Good, let's hammer this thing out. Ready?

Okay. Now let's talk turkey.

We were further up Pooh Street than I thought. There was only one thing to do, figure the whole thing out next week.

Carla.

Yes captain?

Have you got the thing that goes...

Sure.

Thanks.

Now on Capital, the greatest story in the universe.

Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Today's jock-strapping episode contains the following fabulous stars, Theresa Blooming, Willie Jumper, and Ann Athema.

Here's Kremmen.

Hurrah!

Thank you friends, thank you friends, and hi kiddly winky poo's. This is Captain Kremmen speaking to you from the nether regions. You remember in last weeks bone shaking, knee trembling, stomach turning episode? Planet Earth was minutes away from the greatest disaster the world had ever known, as a rogue planet made entirely out of oil was hurtling towards it.

Well, that was last week. Fortunately it missed.

Gee that was a really lucky shave captain.

Ja mein capiten, and even luckier that it went into orbit around the moon.

Yeah, things are really looking up since I fired the old script writer.

Now the wheels of industry can begin to turn again since we have all the oil we'll ever need.

Yeah, and now that petrol's gone down to 6p a gallon, I'm having an extension built on my car.

Oh that's fabulous.

Yeah, it's the only Ferrari with a tennis court, three Jacuzzi, and a ten pin bowling alley in the boot.

That night I decided to celebrate our good fortune by taking the whole crew to see a movie aboard ship. We went to see Jaws.

Jaws?

Yeah.

Oh golly.

What?

Oh, I hear it's a really frightening film Captain.

Oh don't worry Carla, I've arranged for us to have two tickets in the shallow end.

After the movie I took Carla back to my cabin, I opened the door, and...

Oh.

Oh no.

Good grief.

Oh Golly, what's happened?

The place had been broken into.

Oh, who's to blame for this?

After a quick investigation, I came to one of my brilliantly accurate summations.

Carla this is obviously a gay break in.

A gay break in? How do you know it was the work of gays?

Because the furniture's been rearranged and there's a quiche in the oven.

What will happen next week? Tune in again at the same time and hear Carla say,

Captain.

Yes?

Give me a sentence with judicious in it.

Err, hands that judicious can be soft as your face?