Series #10 Transcript: The Prison Ship

Now on Capital, the greatest story in the universe.

Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Today's strangely attractive episode contains the following fabulous stars, Ann Athema, Maj Estic, and Mustafa Fag.

Here's Kremmen.

Hurrah!

Thank you, thank you, and hi kids, and welcome to another limb wrenching episode.

You remember in last week's finger licking, stomach turning, eye popping, knuckle crunching, ear aching, foot fetishising, belly buttoning, kidney punching, buttock bursting addition, I'd solved every problem known to man. And all the politicians around the world were having a real tough job inventing new ones.

Captain?

Yes my little nuclear noodle?

Seeing as if there's nothing left to do because like, you know, you've sort of done it all.

Yes.

Why don't we, sort of, you know, go to your cabin and...

Mm-hmm.

Well, sort of...[WHISPERING]

Carla, why are you whispering, there's absolutely no need to whisper.

Okay. Why don't we go to your cabin and you can rip all my clothes off drag me to bed and we can bonk all night?

We bonked into the night, then we bonked some more.

Gee captain, you bonk so good.

You bonk pretty well yourself Carla. Shall we bonk again?

Oh sure. Ready?

Yeah.

Hey that's not bad.

Yeah.

Wanna try all three fingers now?

Okay ready?

Hey these electric pianos sure are fun huh?

Yeah.

Hello Captain.

Yes what is it Hamish?

It was Hamish McHighlands, the ship's award winning chef.

The breakfast is ready my Captain.

Oh goody.

He brought the tray in and set it down.

Mm-hmm, that really looks good, but is it a cake or a meringue?

No you're right, it's a cake.

Pardon?

I feel like something a bit more nourishing, how about a nice plate of spaghetti?

Right away madam.

By the way, how long will it be?

I dinnae know, I haven't measured it yet.

The ship shot sharply forward away from those last two jokes, and I decided it was time for another meeting with the crew.

Okay men, pay attention.

Okay captain.

I've decided to go into a part of space that no one's ever been to before.

Aye.

A part of space so unknown that no one knows about it.

I'm so curious.

Yes, it's a part of space so dark and so cold that we'll all have to take torches and pullovers.

Having set the scene for next week's episode, I decided to get a good night's kip.

Mm-hmm, well good night captain.

Good night Carla, would you turn the light off?

Oh I'm sorry captain, I'm a light sleeper.

What?

I always go to sleep with a light on.

That's funny I'm a hard sleeper myself, I always go to bed with a...

What will happen next? Tune in tomorrow at the same time and find out in Kremmen of the Star Corps.

And now, the serial with a difference. It goes snap and crackle, and it's you that goes pop.

Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Today's fabulous episode contains Harry V. Duchy Roma, Hugh N. Cry, and Tara Fable.

Here's Kremmen.

Thank you friends, thank you, and hi kids, Kremmen here, astronaut and chunk. My father fought in World War III, my grandfather fought in World War II, my great grandfather fought the Indians, and my great great grandfather fought Napoleon. In fact, my family didn't get on with anyone.

Any road up. Welcome to a show so bold and daring, so intriguing and divine, that the queen of England sent me this note.

Godspeed in the great tasks which lies before you.

Thank you.

This week's hob gobbling episode finds me deep in the bowels of my huge mighty ship, the Troll Nine, studying the engine with my chief engineer, Willy Take-a-check.

Well what do you think, has the engine enough wellie to take us more further than we've ever been before?

Well if we wangle the thread on the Scrom Threncher and strip the noggler nut, we could be able to double the intake and treble the output of the Tribble Scranger.

He threw a switch, and the mysterious blue light throbbed inside the mighty nuclear engine.

Wonderful stuff electricity. Thank heavens for the man who invented it.

Yeah but it was the man who invented the meter that made all the money.

Captain, there's a call on the space phone from Earth?

Oh, thanks.

Willy?

Yeah captain?

Could you take off that ship's engine sound effect record?

Certainly.

Thanks.

Hello?

Hello captain, it's the president on the line, I'll put you through.

Oh thank you.

Hi Kremmen how are things?

Well Mr. President we're having a little trouble fitting the next joke into the script.

Oh, which one's that?

It's the "Excuse me have you got pig's trotters? No I always walk like this" joke.

The ship sped on through the inky blackness.

Back on Earth it was nearly midnight, but out here in space it was very difficult to tell the time, because I'd left my watch back on Earth.

You know captain, it was a real good idea to throw a party like this to take the crew's mind off the fact, that we're going further out into space than anyone's ever been before, and who knows what we may find out there, etcetera.

Hmm well I'm full of good ideas Carla I...

Oh my god!

What happened, what's the matter?

Look over there, that woman, she's so thin. I've never seen anyone look so painfully thin before.

Carla that's Anorexia Nervosa.

Oh captain you know everybody.

What will happen next week? Tune in and hear Kremmen say,

Don't forget folks, be alert, the world needs more lerts.

Now on Capital, the greatest story in the universe.

Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Today's bum scratching episode contains the following fabulous stars, Auntie Quated, Labby Rynth, and Dan DiLion.

Here's Kremmen.

Hurrah!

Thank you, thank you friends, and hi kids, and welcome to another hog washing pollywallydoodling episode.

My mighty ship, the Troll Nine, is currently on a mission to go further into space than Dan Dare, Luke Skywalker, and Captain Kirk put together. Oh by the way, I just like to put it on record that those guys I just mentioned are not real space captains, but actors. And they've never even been into space, so there.

Gee captain.

Said Carla, as she gazed out of the porthole.

It's awfully black out there you know, look at the blackness of it all.

Little did she know, I'd had tinted windows fitted together with central locking and a huge pair of hairy dice dangling over the rear window.

I took the lift to the top floor observation bay with Delbert Botts, my chief navigator.

Captain.

Yes Botts what is it?

Captain you're the greatest lover I've ever known.

Pardon?

I said you're the greatest lover I've ever known.

Botts you're reading Carla's script.

Oh, sorry.

Look, here's your bit on page 17.

Well, yeah.

"You know captain", etcetera.

Right, thanks, ahem.

You know captain, I've given up that terrible gambling habit I had until recently, and I swear I'm never gonna gamble again.

Wanna bet?

$50?

You're on.

We arrived on the vast glass enclosed observation deck.

Hi captain it's Carla the cosmic cutie here.

Carla you gotta come up here and sample this view.

Oh I'd love to. Oh by the way, thanks for last night.

Oh.

You're the greatest lover I've ever known.

Well I should be, I practice a lot when I'm on my own.

I'll be up faster than you can say 95.8 stereo VHF.

Okay, 95.8 st...

Hi there.

Hi.

Wow, look at that view, it's incredible.

We gazed out into the inky blackness through a huge glass dome that made Kew Garden hot house look like a jelly mould.

Oh gee whizz God sure is a clever guy isn't he?

We'd passed most of the known universe and we're looking at star formations that even Patrick Moore hadn't seen.

Carla.

Mm-hmm.

Why are you scratching yourself?

Because I'm the only one who knows where the itch is.

Hey captain.

What is it Botts?

Look over here through this porthole, there's a sort of a grey star. I didn't know they did stars in grey.

They don't. Increase televiewing magnification power. It can't be true, I don't believe it.

What is it captain?

We're not alone Carla.

What?

There's another ship out there, look.

What out here beyond the edge of the universe, beyond any known, thing?

Are they not alone out there? Does this mean danger? Is it true what they say about Dixie? Tune in next week and hear Kremmen and say,

Show me a man who smiles at defeat, and I'll show you a happy chiropodist.

Now on Capital, the greatest story in the universe.

Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Today's self destructing episode contains the following fabulous stars, Greg Arias, May Yournais, and Herbie Voor.

Here's Kremmen.

Hurrah!

Thank you friends, thank you, thank you, and hi kids.

In this week's starch reduced show you find us peering through the televiewer at a strange ugly grey ship, millions of miles off the beaten track in an unexplored quadrant of Vector 8 3/4.

What do you reckon it is captain? It looks pretty peculiar to me.

I don't know I've never seen a ship like it before, there's no markings, no paint, no fins or aerials. It's like a prison.

I think you're right captain, look, there's bars on the portholes.

Yeah, I think we ought to give it a wide berth and forget the whole thing to get out with our mission captain.

No it's too late, I'm intrigued. I'm gonna ring Earth. First mate?

Yeah captain.

Get me Earth on the phone.

Well if you wait another six minutes, you'll be into cheap rate.

In another six minutes this episode will be over you idiot.

Oh sorry.

Come on. Gee I hope I don't get an answer phone.

Hello Earth?

Yes.

Oh hi, Kremmen here, put me in touch with ground control please.

Ground control here, state your height and position.

I'm six foot tall and sitting in the cockpit.

Would you give me all you've got on a large grey ship with no markings and bars on the portholes.

Okay Captain we'll run it through the computer and call you back.

Fine.

Later that night Carla and I were running our fingers through each other.

What the hell was that noise?

Oh erm, that was my parrot captain.

You got a parrot?

Mm-hmm.

I didn't know you had a parrot.

Well the scriptwriter put a joke in the show this week about a parrot, so I had to get a parrot so we could do the joke.

Oh god.

It's a very unusual parrot though captain.

Really?

Yeah, if you pull its right leg it sings Ave Maria, and if you pull its left leg it sings the Alleluia chorus.

And if you pull both legs?

It falls off the perch.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Hello captain, this is planet Earth here, we got the details on that weird ship thing.

Okay go.

Well captain, it's a story to strike terror into...

It was a story to strike terror into your heartstrings. Apparently many years ago, all the world's most hideous criminals were shot off into space forever and ever, with just enough food and videos to last a lifetime. Who knows what horrors we would find inside that ship? Ancient grey haired terrorists? Geriatric gorillas? Antique rapists? Warmongers in wheelchairs?

Oh captain what if they've been breeding in there?

Suddenly I had an idea.

Carla let's go breed.

Later that evening in my cabin.

Oh.

Oh Carla, oh, you're, you're so good in bed.

Oh thank you.

But would you do me a favour that would make it, twice as good?

Sure captain what do you want?

Would you, would you, moan a little?

Okay.

Do you know what they're charging for a packet of Bold Automatic these days? And the price of food, it's disgusting.

What will happen next? Tune in tomorrow at the same time and find out in Kremmen of the Star Corps.

And now, Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Today's doobry dazzling episode contains the following fabulous stars, Sharon Sharealike, Annie Mossity, and Phil Ossifer.

Here's Kremmen.

Hurrah!

Thank you friends, thank you friends. Hi kids, and welcome to another brainstorming, finger licking, wrist limping episode.

You remember last week, out in the furthest reaches of space, we'd stumbled upon a strange spaceship unlike anything we'd seen before. Upon radioing back to Earth for information, we discovered it was a prison ship sent out from Earth many years ago, packed to the brim with the world's most nasty, vicious, evil prisoners.

Well captain that seems a little bit desperate to me. What are you gonna do?

Well Carla, there's a choice of either avoiding the problem by going round it and forgetting the whole thing, or facing it and chancing a horrible death.

Let's go round it and forget the whole thing captain.

That was my crew speaking.

Listen crew, we're gonna face this problem head on. Remember our motto? Nil carborundum e pluribus unum, Cosi Fan Tutti Frutti, Fidiff Indip, Nicky Nacky Noo.

I gave the order to close the distance between us and the prison ship.

Oh problems, always problems.

I know, as if life wasn't difficult enough. I heard some horrible news from Earth yesterday.

Oh no, not more, what is it now?

The guy who invented Muzak, he's working on another project.

The prison ship was now clearly visible. About fifteen stories high and about a half a mile long. I strained at the televiewer and thought I could see dark shadows moving around inside.

Hey Noodleman.

Yes captain?

Break out all the weapons. Issue every crew member with a set of grunge bombs and a can of squealge gas.

I went below to say au revoir to Carla only to find her putting on her spacesuit.

Carla what are you doing?

I'm putting on my suit.

Well take it off.

What?

I'm not having my own personal chick onboard a dangerous ship packed with big, greasy, hairy, muscly men who wouldn't think twice about grabbing a girl, pinning her to the floor, and ripping all her clothes off? Just think of it Carla, these men haven't seen a woman in years. As soon as they see you they'll foam at the mouth and burst into flames and do crazy, unmentionable things to your body...

As I spoke, I noticed a dreamy faraway look in Carla's eyes.

Gee you're so brave Carla, smiling like this in the face of danger.

Oh I can handle most things. By the way here's your parachute.

Hey, this is one of the newer ones isn't it?

Mm-hmm, it's totally automatic.

Really?

Yeah, it opens on impact.

Captain.

Yeah?

The crew's all ready and kitted up and waiting in the airlock.

Okay thank you.

Well Carla, good luck.

Oh thanks captain, I hope I have better luck than my cousin.

What happened?

He fell out of an air plane without a parachute at 50,000 feet.

Oh no.

Yeah. Fortunately he landed on a truck full of hay.

Phew.

And if he landed on the hay instead of the bonnet he'd still be alive today.

What will happen next? Tune in tomorrow at the same time and find out in Kremmen of the Star Corps.

And now, a mammoth moment in history as we bring you.

The greatest story in the universe.

Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Yes folks, it's the only space serial in the world with queen Anne Legs.

Here's Kremmen.

Hurrah!

Thank you friends, thank you friends, and hi kids. You remember in last week's pollywallydoodling episode, we pulled alongside the prison ship and were preparing to meet the most hostile evil band of men in the known universe.

Oh golly captain.

What?

I wonder what these guys are really like.

Aren't you listening to this show Carla?

"Preparing to meet the most hostile evil band of men in the known universe."

Gee I guess they're really awful then.

Well of course they're really awful.

Oh.

I mean, if they weren't really, really awful.

Mm-hmm.

If they were just medium bad.

Yeah.

Then this story wouldn't be interesting, and I'd stop getting my weekly check from Capital Radio.

We entered the airlock of our ship, ready to cover the short distance between us and them.

Oh by the way Carla, whatever happened to that girlfriend of yours, you know the one that used to work on stage?

Oh the one in the magic act.

Yeah that's the one. She used to get sawn in half.

Yeah. Oh she's fine, she's living in London, and Manchester.

The huge airlock door swang open, and my crew and I drifted across the gap between ships.

Okay men, grunge guns at the ready?

Oh yeah, yeah captain, yeah.

Oh no, I've left mine back at the ship.

Oh no.

Oh never mind. Look, I've got something here in my handbag that's even deadlier than grunge.

What's that?

The puddings.

What's for puddings?

Prunes and custard.

Captain, captain.

What is it doc?

I've got a strange feeling.

Oh really?

Yes, I keep having this strange feelings that I'm completely covered in gold.

Oh don't worry, it's probably just a guilt complex.

Suddenly there we were at the huge door of the prison ship. I had an attack of the willies.

Captain, you're really gonna have to get your willy fixed.

Quiet Carla, I'm gonna knock on the door.

You don't think they're out do you?

It's a prison ship you dummy.

Suddenly footsteps.

Ah, here comes someone now.

The door opened and I was face to face with the meanest, ugliest, most hideous, grotesque person I'd ever seen.

Oh come in captain, we've been expecting you.

Oh golly, what horror is in store for our gallant band? Tune in next week when we ask the question, why does Greta Garbo walk around covered in grass seed? Because she wants to be alone.

And now ladies and gentlemen, the space serial that's full of fabulous digital sound effects.

The greatest story in the universe.

Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Today's episode, specially recorded in the nude to attract publicity and increase ticket sales, contains the following fabulous stars, Rode A Boat, Bernie Housedown, and Sir Ayersley Thoughfolks.

Here's Kremmen.

Hurrah!

Thank you friends, thank you friends, and hi kids. And welcome to this week's rip snorting, fan-dangling episode with special guest star, Joan Collins.

Go on.

Well Joan, welcome to the adventures of captain Kremmen.

This is my lucky day.

Joan I'd like you to play my, ahem, other woman.

What other woman?

Yes Joan, I think with your great acting ability and my bionic parts we'll make a great team.

Well you can put that idea out of your mind, it's totally absurd.

I'll let you fondle my doobrie.

Captain how can you play opposite that terrible woman?

Ratings Carla, she's big in the ratings.

I don't know whether I should be honoured or call security.

You remember last week friends.

Captain she's a ham.

Carla.

What?

By having Joan Collins in the show, Capital will pay us an extra £6,000 a week, and we can have an extension put on your stable.

Hi Joan, lovely to be working with you.

Oh, love your new stables.

Oh bitch.

You remember last week, we arrived at the prison ship and were greeted by the ugliest, most vile looking prisoner of all time.

Good evening captain, we've been expecting you.

Captain.

What?

This is really scary, what if all the prisoners jump us?

Don't worry Carla, there's enough power in our grunge guns to wipe out the whole entire ship.

Ahem, I say, oh, ugly one, which of these prisoners is your leader?

I am captain. This way to my quarters.

He led us through several dim dripping corridors, into his lair.

Would you care for some refreshment for you and your crew?

Err, yes please, I'd love some.

Mm-hmm, me too.

He brought in a tray of hairy condensed milk and the bones of an old pot noodle.

Is this it, don't you people have anything decent to eat?

Ha ha, this is a a prison ship, my dear.

He lurched towards Carla menacingly.

Well what do you do for entertainment?

We soon found out. That night in their ship's mess the disgusting crew put on a show: a vile comedian topped the bill.

There were these two buckets are sick walking down a street when suddenly one bucket of sick got all nostalgic and started to cry. What's the matter said the first bucket of sick, oh, I can't help it he said, I was brought up here.

I turned to the leader of the prisoners.

I think it's about time we left.

Left? No captain, you're not leaving here, ever.

What do you mean?

A door opened, and there facing us was a huge space cannon primed to blast us to bits.

Where did you get that, you were never issued with weapons?

No captain, we cobbled together the space cannon from bits of kitchen equipment.

What?

I examined it closely with my X-Ray eyes. Sure enough, all the years they'd been out here they'd not been idle. The cannon was built from a Mulinx Magimix, a Zanussi fridge freezer, a Toshiba microwave, and bits from an old Kenwood chef, and it was pointing straight at us.

Well Joan, we appear to be up Pooh Creek again.

Well, that is an understatement if I'd ever heard you utter one.

Tune in next week space fans, when Joan Collins gets blasted to bits by a hail of bullets seven weeks before it happens on TV.