Series #6 Transcript: The Sun Suckers

Say Carla

What.

How do you fancy a bit of afternoon delight?

Oh okay.

Right.

[MUSIC] Afternoon delight.

Thanks.

Anytime Carla. Oh, excuse me. Hello? Yeah. Uh-huh.

I was called to the Star Corps headquarters to have words with the boss about a new and terrifying situation that only I could cure with my muscles of steel, legs like a gazelle, etcetera.

I have here a file from our research boys, which indicates that strange things are happening to our sun.

Oh, what sort of things?

I know it's hard to believe Kremmen, but according to the latest reports from the computer lab.

Uh-huh.

Something's happening to the sun that wasn't supposed to happen for billions of years yet.

You mean.

Yes Kremmen, it's going out. Uh!

I whipped out my Valium rays.

Gosh sir, this is awful. If the sun goes out, the whole planet will ice over.

Yes.

All life will disappear.

True.

Trees, plants, and animals will die horribly.

Well never mind Kremmen we won't see it.

Oh, why not?

Because it'll be terribly dark.

I drove back to my penthouse apartment. On the way I phoned the launch pad.

May I help you?

Oh yes, let me speak to doctor Gitfinger, he should be looking over our new ship.

Alright, thank you.

Hello doctor Gitfinger?

No captain he's not here.

What?

No, yesterday he accidentally ran through a screen door and severely strained himself.

Okay thank you.

That night I slept badly. I guess my head was too full of trying to find ways of saving Earth from this terrible problem with the sun. I was awoken by a knock.

[KNOCKING]

I jumped out of bed and opened the door in my pyjamas. Silly place to have a door really but, this is no time for jokes.

Hi Captain it's me.

It was Carla my gorgeous space nymph, just standing there, with the body of a 16 year old film star.

Carla what are you doing with that 16 year old film star's body?

Captain this is no time for jokes.

Oh.

I've just come from our new spaceship at the shuttle center.

Really?

It's terrific.

Oh.

I've knitted a nose cone cosy and put window boxes under all the portholes.

Oh that's wonderful Carla.

I was just trying to cheer him up really, I knew the situation was hopeless.

Carla.

What?

I do all these close intimate bits.

Oh sorry.

Anyway it's not hopeless, tomorrow we're taking off in this new ship of ours.

Oh, where are we going?

Carla we're going to the sun.

Uh?

For a closer look.

Oh.

The ship has a heat proof coating you know.

Really?

That night we talked over old times, I remembered the time when I was footloose and fancy free, but then I got my foot fixed and the three I fancied moved to the other side of town.

Tune in next week friends and join us in our journey to the sun. Oh, and bring a bottle, we run a tight ship.

This week, our super galactic, super powered, super loose pair of space heroes set out in their brand new ship to investigate.

Carla.

Yes captain.

Remind me to get a new announcer.

Why?

He sounds butcher than I do.

Listen captain are you sure it's wise going to the sun like this?

I know it's a whole heap of danger Carla, but it's the only way of truly ascertaining the validity of our assumptions.

I know, but it'll be terribly hot when we finally arrive and bright too. Thank heavens I put curtains on all the portholes.

The ship travelled on through space, we were now midway between Earth and the sun, Earth was almost completely out of view while the sun almost filled the entire sky.

Kremmen to engine room, hello engine room?

Hi captain sir.

How's it going down there?

Oh you know it's going....

Fine. What time is it back on Earth Carla?

I guess it's around about breakfast time.

Well that means it's time for my exercises, pass me my bull-worker.

Okay captain, here it is.

Thanks.

Want another one?

Thanks.

Oh captain you get through them so fast.

Never mind, there's another crate in the hold.

Oh excuse me captain.

Hello Captain Kremmen's place...oh hello doctor.

Captain it's Doctor Gitfinger calling from Earth.

Oh thanks. Hello Git.

Hello captain. I've just been running through the latest figures from the computer. It says that at this rate, the sun will be completely out in three weeks.

Carla quick, get the ship's psychiatrist.

I can't captain, we had to leave him back on Earth.

Really why?

He's treating Radio 1 for an inferiority complex.

And now Roger Scott, disc jockey and ham, will now say,

What will happen next week? Tune in at the same time and hear Kremmen say...

Gee Carla.

What.

I hope we get a tan before the sun goes out.

Captain Kremmen is a Capital Wireless workshop production.

You remember last time, about 4 minutes ago, Kremmen and crew ventured out into space to discover why the sun was going out. Only to find when they arrived at the surface of the sun, hundreds of alien ships sucking out the sun's energy and making off with it in their holds. He called a meeting of the crew.

Captain at the rate they're going it won't be long before the sun's a cold cinder.

Yeah.

Why don't we just blow them out of the sky captain? Just say the word and we'll blow them out of the sky.

Oh no there's too many of them, and we don't know how many more there are on the way. No we've got to be clever.

Frillmer?

Yeah.

Foonman?

Yeah.

Lay in a fresh course, we're gonna follow them back to base and see who's behind all this.

Captain.

Yes Foonman?

I've laid in the fresh course, so we're far enough away that they won't see us, but we're near enough so we won't lose 'em.

Wonderful Foonman, keep me up to date.

Aye aye captain.

Carla, I've got a funny feeling.

So have I captain, but this is neither the time nor the place.

No you silly space nymph, I've got a funny feeling that these sun suckers are monsters.

Hmm, you're probably right.

We're gonna have to communicate with them sooner or later Carla. What's the best way to talk to a monster?

Long distance.

Ah excuse me Carla. Hello what is it?

Captain those ships were following.

What about them?

They've stopped, I got a feeling they've, sussed us.

They're probably listening on their sonar detectors, shut down all systems.

Okay captain.

Captain.

What?

Shall I go and tell the crew to be quiet?

Good idea and on your way through the sick bay, be careful not to wake up the sleeping pills.

All through the ship, machinery was turned off. Our nuclear generators ground to a halt. People walked around on tiptoe and talked to each other in sign language. I took off my heavy space boots

Ssh!

Sorry. I took off my heavy space boots and put an extra drop of oil on my bionic limbs.

Hello?

Hello captain, this is the bridge, they've started moving again, I think we fooled them.

Okay keep on their tails.

Hi captain it's only me.

Looking as wonderful as ever Carla, have you just taken a shower?

Why, is the one missing?

Planet on the starboard bow captain.

Look Carla, we've arrived.

Gee it's a biggy.

There it was spread out before us on the screen, who knows what putrid yuckies are waiting for us down there?

Before we go any further captain.

Yeah.

Let's not go any further.

Tune in next week friends, when Kremmen meets the sun suckers on this radio set.

Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Hi kids, this is your hunky hairy chested, bulging, bristling, butch, beefy, brain encrusted superhero here. You remember last time we followed the weird creatures that were sucking all the power from our sun back to their planet base.

We put our ship into under-drive and slipped quietly down to the planet's surface.

By the prus of Nils, what will happen next?

Well hang on and I'll tell you.

We homed in on a deserted part of the planet where our arrival wouldn't be noticed.

Captain.

What?

I don't like the look of this.

What the planet?

No the script, it stinks.

Don't worry Carla, with all the dramatic mood music and the snappy edits, you won't notice the awful jokes.

Our craft landed not far from the alien city.

Foonman.

Yes sir.

Break out the weapons.

Uh-huh.

Arm every man with a supply of Kronak Agony Spray, and a zilch torpedo.

Aye aye sir.

We made our way through the airlock, and trod boldly onto the surface of the planet.

Gee captain.

What?

Except for the city up ahead, this whole planet looks like Iceland, it's so freezing.

She was right, it was exceedingly taters, my teeth were going [CHATTERING].

Well, at last I know why they're stealing our sun.

What you mean because theirs has gone out?

Yeah, look up there.

We gazed at the place in the sky where their sun should have been and saw a huge dead cinder.

I guess we can't really blame them for trying...

I know what you're gonna say Foonman, but there are millions of suns in the universe they could have siphoned energy off of.

We trudged onward across the icy wastes, wind whistling through my muscles, towards the huge glass dome that covered their capital city.

Oh golly.

What?

I wonder what horrible things await us in there captain.

Hey, that reminds me of episode 5, series 2, remember? When we were circling the Krell planet all those episodes ago...

...not that area of space alive yet.

Who knows what monsters lurk in there?

Not only monsters Carla, but deformed Thargoids.

Vampires, demons, wolves, too.

West Bromwich Albion 1.

Sheffield, Wednesday...

Meanwhile back in this week's episode.

In the dim light from their cinder, I saw the city gates.

Okay men, arm your weapons.

I'll take that then.

Laser's locked.

Carla grabbed the knob and gave it a twist - tears came to my eyes.

Captain?

What?

I've got a hunch.

I know, hold your shoulders back.

What will our trusty heroes find in the city of the sun suckers? Tune in next week and find out.

An associated multinational production.

Warp factor 1. Warp factor 2...

Well sir, I've saved the universe again.

The whole nation is grateful.

Well your majesty I'd just like to say thank you for presenting me with this medal.

It gives me the greatest pleasure.

He's the only man for the job.

How can one man be so handsome?

Kremmen you must save us.

Captain Elvis Brandenburg Kremmen here.

He's so handsome.

My organization, Star Corps, is dedicated to doing things that bring a lump to your throat and send a shiver of your doobrie.

Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Hi kids, rippling sheet of muscle here. Cue the story so far.

Okay, and now, here's the story so far. Kremmen has at last landed on the alien planet in search of the capital of the sun suckers. Forging across the frozen wastes, he finally spies the city gleaming on the horizon.

Onward we trudged, ever onward over the icy wastes. Suddenly we were at the city gates.

Okay men, arm your weapons.

I'll take that then.

Laser's locked.

We opened the huge city gates and entered. It was an astounding sight, an entire electronic city.

Captain it's an entire electronic city.

Yeah.

It looks like the inside of the back of a TV set.

We've got to find somebody who could tell us the way. Foonman.

Yes captain.

Go ask that horrible slimy lump over there where the action is.

Okay.

Excuse me lump, where's the action here?

[GURGLING]

Uh-huh.

[GURGLING]

Fine thank you.

What did he say?

He said try the first on the left, turn right at the nuclear reactor over the light bridge and it's the 2nd turning on the left. Knock three times and ask for Vardak the Elder.

Vardak the Elder.

Yeah.

He must be the boss around here. Okay men, let's tread boldly.

Onward we tread through the teeming city, teeming it was.

I wish we brought an umbrella.

Hey captain.

Yeah.

All the aliens in this city.

What about them?

Have you noticed they're all driving rose coloured vehicles?

Yeah, this must be a pink car nation.

Hey captain.

What?

That was like a joke.

Oh thanks.

Not a lot like a joke.

Meanwhile dear listeners, back on the glacial globe that once was planet Earth, frozen fingers groped at radio dials, eager for some news of the situation.

I-I-Independent r-r-r-radio n-n-n-news...

Oh turn him off Bert, and throw another piece of furniture on the fire.

Oh I'll go to the foot of our stairs.

You can't we burnt them.

Eee, it's that cold butter wouldn't melt your truss.

Meanwhile back on the alien planet, we crossed the light bridge. Carla was nervous at first till I explained that it was made of a beam of light so intense it could take our weight.

Come on Carla, it's okay.

Captain I need your support.

Well you can't have it, I'm wearing it.

At last, we arrived at the dwelling of Vardak the Elder. What would we find inside? What were we to expect? What is this thing called love?

Tune in next time to the only station with the guts to give you the truth.

An associated multinational production.

Warp factor 1. Warp factor 2...

Well sir, I've saved the universe again.

The whole nation is grateful.

Well your majesty I'd just like to say thank you for presenting me with this medal.

It gives me the greatest pleasure.

He's the only man for the job.

How can one man be so handsome?

Kremmen you must save us.

Captain Elvis Brandenburg Kremmen here.

He's so handsome.

My organization, Star Corps, is dedicated to doing things that bring a lump to your throat and send a shiver of your doobrie.

Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Hi kids, this is your multi muscle, beefy brained, hyper butch hero here. Watch as I, flex my doobrie.

Ooo, Ooo, ...

Okay cool it girls.

You remember last week's episode was so amusing that the announcer went...

Ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha.

Well, this week things aren't so funny, we were now inside the city of the sun suckers. A weird passing blob told us how to get to their leader.

Excuse me lump, where's the action here?

[GURGLING]

We wended our way, wending as we went, not with wither and wherefore of the Wentward Wending.

Suddenly we arrived at the light bridge. We inched our way across.

Oh, oh golly.

For those of you who've gone metric, we millimetred our way across.

Oh.

You know Carla?

What captain?

All this scrambling around on my hands and knees makes me feel just like a boy of 16.

Me too, but where are we gonna find one up here?

At last we reached the dwelling of Vardak the Elder, we knocked and entered.

Are you Vardak?

Yes.

Are you the eldest inhabitant of this planet?

Yes.

Is it true that you hold the key to the mysteries that at this moment in time, we are desperately trying to unravel?

Yes.

You mean you're au fait?

No, I'm Vardek the Elder.

I gazed at the wall, it was so cold in his dwelling that the thermometer said, "continued on the next thermometer."

We are a very old civilization captain.

Oh really?

And when our sun started going out.

Uh-huh.

We had to look around for another store of heat, and your sun was the nearest.

Yes I understand that but why did you have to steal it?

Yeah, why couldn't you have all climbed into a huge space platform, driven to our sun, and settled near it?

Oh, we had thought of that.

Ah.

We once built a gigantic city.

Yeah?

And put our chosen survivors in it. Encased it in an atmospheric dome, sealed it in a huge arc.

An arc?

Yes, a giant wooden space city, with wooden hull, wooden fuselage, and wooden wings.

Well what went wrong?

It wouldn't fly.

Tune in next time to the only station with the guts to give you the truth.

An associated multinational production.

Warp factor 1. Warp factor 2...

Well sir, I've saved the universe again.

The whole nation is grateful.

Well your majesty I'd just like to say thank you for presenting me with this medal.

It gives me the greatest pleasure.

He's the only man for the job.

How can one man be so handsome?

Kremmen you must save us.

Captain Elvis Brandenburg Kremmen here.

He's so handsome.

My organization, Star Corps, is dedicated to doing things that bring a lump to your throat and send a shiver of your doobrie.

Kremmen of the Star Corps.

Hi folks, captain Kremmen here. As you know I'm so hunky, but what you probably didn't know is that very often I slip into the vernacular, especially if someone leaves it lying around.

You remember last time in the city of the sun suckers, we arrived at the dwelling of Vardak the Elder.

Are you Vardak?

Yes.

Vardak the Elder?

Yes.

Are you the eldest inhabitant of this planet?

Yes.

It soon became clear that this lumpy twilger was once the head of a mighty empire of technological genii, until their sun started to die.

Yes captain, when our sun went out, our cities froze over.

Really?

One by one they ceased to be, until all the people who were left crammed themselves into the last remaining city with any source of energy.

What this one?

Yes, this city was the only one on the whole planet with a huge glass dome to predict it.

So you decided the only thing to do was to steal somebody else's sun. I get it. How many of you are there left?

Roughly one thousand.

That night I invited Vardak and his ministers onboard my ship. Unfortunately it was so cold that my new cook, One Hung Lo, was frozen to the marrow. Shame really we were gonna have it stuffed for supper.

..... Captain.

Yes Vardak?

I hear this ship is equipped with nuclear reactors?

Yes.

Which give out heat?

That's correct.

Good.

Why?

I'm placing your ship under arrest.

What!

We shall put this heat to good use.

You swine, eat me out of house and home and steal my reactors?

Before you could say, "Chicago...Cincinapolis", guards appeared at the ship's door and surrounded us in all directions. One of them came towards me to whip my weapon away.

Oh captain look out.

As he marched towards me I used the only weapon I had. I looked him squarely in the eye and hissed: 1 and 1 is 2, 2 and 2 are 4, the square on the hypotenuse of a right angled triangle is equal to the sum of the squares on the other two sides. There. Let that be a lesson to you.

It's no good captain, look.

What?

More guards all around the ship. It's hopeless, we need a genius to get us out of this one.

Yeah, I wish doctor Gitfinger was here to help us.

Oh, haven't you heard?

No, what?

He's been in trouble.

Really?

Yeah, he sent ten thousand letters through the post with Green Shield stamps on 'em, he got taken to court.

What did he get?

Six months, an electric kettle, and a garden fork.

Tune in next time to the only station with the guts to give you the truth.

Hi kids, Kremmen here. And now it's time for my latest adventure, make it sound good will you?

You demand so much. Packed with punch, pulsating with passion, and rippling with rubbish.

Star Corps with captain Elvis Brandenburg Kremmen.

An Associated Multinational Production.

You remember last time on the planet of the Sun Suckers, when my crew and I invited Vardak the Elder to dinner on board my ship? Things suddenly took a turn for the worse.

Captain.

Yes Vardak?

I hear this ship is equipped with nuclear reactors?

Yes.

Which give out heat?

That's correct.

Good.

Why?

I'm placing your ship under arrest.

What!

We shall put this heat to good use.

You swine, eat me out of house and home and steal my reactors.

Before you could say, "Chicago....Cincinapolis", guards appeared at the ship's door and surrounded us in all directions.

It's no good captain, look.

What?

More guards all around the ship, it's hopeless.

Hopeless? Never! Don't forget the Star Corps motto: Per ardua adeste Fideles, Cosi Fan Tutti Frutti, Nel blu dipinto di blu.

I guess you're right, there must be a way out of this.

Yeah captain what did you do last time you were in a jam?

Hang on, I'll wind back the series and find out.

What?

There was always the time in episode 24 when evil Gort thought he had us cornered, remember?

You stupid fools, take them in by my fake news cast. Ha ha ha.

Götterdämmerung, it was all an evil plan.

Oh you beast.

Yes, and now I have you once again in my grips.

Yes but you've forgotten one thing Gort.

What is that?

You've forgotten about my bionic left foot with the big toe that unscrews like this. And when I join this bit with this other bit, and put that into this alongside the twiddly bit that fits into there, this drops down and joins the other section which turns into this.

Ooh a space cannon.

Right, grab him Carla...

...and then we rushed off and made our escape, remember?

Yeah terrific, do it again.

But before I could whip off my boot one of the guards chained my hands and legs. Suddenly I was trussed up like a sack of sprouts.

Oh, get your hands off me you steaming beast.

Drag the earthlings to the arena.

Hey captain where are they taking this?

I don't know that guard said something about an arena. I think they're gonna feed us to something.

Hey guard.

I called the leader of the guards, a man with three broken ears and a cauliflower nose.

What happens in this arena?

You will be fed to the Froons.

Froons?

Yes, a Froon is a beast with superhuman strength.

Oh.

Teeth down to its knees.

Oh.

And a face like a bag of spammers.

Oh my god.

They have been known to take whole weeks to slowly tear a man to shreds.

Oh!

We arrived at the gates of the arena - the guard gave the password.

I'll go to the foot of our stairs.

And they swung open.

I was dragged into the ring with Carla on my heels.

The crowd went wild as from the opposite end of the ring, six hairy, wart ridden Froons were let loose and slowly stumbled towards us.

Gosh, how exciting can a serial possibly get?

You've just suffered through a disgusting episode of Captain Kremmen.

An associated multinational production.

Hi kids, Kremmen here. As planet Earth slowly dies from lack of sun, millions of light years away in the city of the sun suckers, Carla, Gonad, and I are led to our deaths in the arena.

Captain, where are they taking us?

I don't know, that guard said something about an arena. I think they're gonna feed us to something.

Hey guard!

I call the leader of the guards, a man with three broken ears and a cauliflower nose.

What happens in this arena?

You will be fed to the Froons.

Froons?

Yes, a Froon is a beast with superhuman strength.

Oh.

Teeth down to its knees.

Oh.

And a face like a bag of spammers.

Oh my god.

We arrived at the gates of the arena - the guard gave the password.

I'll go to the foot of our stairs.

And they swung open. I was dragged into the ring with Carla on my heels.

The crowd went wild as from the opposite end of the ring, six hairy, wart ridden Froons were let loose and slowly stumbled towards us.

A 1080 curses.

A 1080 curses?

Yes, a 1000 curses plus VAT.

Hey Captain you better come up with stuff to quick, they're getting closer.

He was right, the Froons slobbered their way towards us, licking their huge hairy lips.

Carla

What?

Try keeping them away by doing some of your seductive body movements.

Okay.

Ngn, ngn, ngn.

It doesn't seem to be working captain, maybe I ought to try talking to them with my body language bra.

Okay anything.

Actually I've had five months and it hasn't said a word to anybody.

Onward the creatures came relentlessly towards us with hungry outstretched lips.

Well you better start taking notes Carla.

Eh?

This is the end of Captain Kremmen, and the world will wanna know what happened.

Okay captain.

Carla whipped out her notebook and pencil. Suddenly, I had an idea.

Quick give me that pencil.

Okay here it is.

I snapped it in two, and with my bionic speed and boy scout training, rubbed the pieces together to make fire.

Did I smell something peculiar or was it just me?

I wish I had time to take advantage of that line.

Hey look Captain, the Froons, they're getting excited.

Yeah they're backing away.

Our trick had worked, the Froons were so shocked and afraid of the flames, they turned and lept into the crowd.

In the ensuing panic, I took a giant bionic breath, and snapped my bonds.

Here Carla.

What?

Let me pull your chain.

Okay.

Oh.

Soon we were running to the streets of the city towards our ship. Once on board, we pressed a few buttons and took off.

Contact. Warp factor 1, 2, 3.

Phew, well that's got us out of danger, but they've still got our stolen sun.

Don't worry Carla, I've had another one of my wonderful ideas.

I flipped a switch and suddenly, a laser ray shot out from the front of the ship.

Golly why are you using a tractor ray captain?

Because I'm gonna tow the whole planet back to Earth Carla, and put back the stolen bits of the sun on the way.

Oh golly captain it's brilliant.

People on Earth will be fascinated to see the strange creatures on this planet, so we'll put them on display in places where weird creatures are kept.

Whipsnade, Regent's Park, Chessington, the BBC.

Oh captain, you're fabulous.

Yeah, I wonder whatever happened to the other six wonders of the world.

Let me take a photo of you at this wonderful moment.

Okay but make sure you get my good side.

Which one is that?

Both of them.

With yet another brain searing adventure onto my Gucci space belt, I swung the ship into hyperdrive and headed for home, knowing once more that space was a safer place for the human race. Join me again soon fans and we'll tread boldly together. In the meantime, watch out for my new TV series, and the film of the book, of the play, of the LP, of the T-shirt.